I take a deep breath, then scream into the pillow. I screamed my lungs out, I don't think I've ever screamed like this in my entire life. I felt the blood rush into my head, but I didn't care. I felt like I was already dead, now trying to get back to life, back to feeling alive... on the inside, I've died together with him...
"im back na-" Beatrix heard my scream in the pillow, even if not that intense, but she put her hand over her mouth then rushed to me.
"are you okay?!"
"no... no, no, no... no... I sure am not... thats why I'm here anyway..."
i looked at my hands, then touched my own face... my eyes were watery, and a droplet of salted water made its way to my chin...
I was crying... i was crying. I haven't cried in... two years.
"... I may not have been ready, but... I think I'll have to tell someone... and I might have something to show you too..."
i can't breathe... it's so hard to do it... my voice kept trembling and my whole body trembled with it...
what the fuck is this... is this a feeling...? I've felt this before... two years ago... when he left me...
"... Beatrix... he..."
*
it was dark.
past 2am, and I couldn't sleep. I saw the stars from my window, but couldn't endure to look at them anymore, because I was so empty now and the stars now didn't mean anything for me...
I need him more than me... I need him more than anything... but why am I keeping on to him... when he let go of me...? im just a baby... just like a little child who had a favorite toy... but he wasn't a toy for me, he was my whole life... he was all i had...
I kept everyone away from me... I hated everyone. everyone had to go away... but he stayed... he stayed with me even when I said all those mean things to him and when my hand didn't brush against his cheek with delicacy, but instead it hit him.
I slap myself, sighing.
what the fuck did I do... a seventeen year old shouldn't be this depressed... I'll be eighteen in some months... what will I do then? I'll be an adult... but inside, I'm still my 14 year old self who used to hold hands with my best friend all the time...
'friend'... he was my fucking soulmate. I would've married him if he proposed to me! anytime, anywhere! just to be with him... I won't be able to forget him... and I keep telling myself that I should stop... i should stop going to italy just to see him... just to sleep along side his body...
"no... no... no... no... where is my lover... why isn't he here..."
2am.
it's still night... but... but...
I open my laptop, searching 'Flights to Italy'... I would go there right now... I don't need anything, I don't need anyone. I just want to go visit him... I miss him so much I feel like I'm dying too... slowly, i am closer to dying... i need to get to him. I need to.
*knock, knock!*
"brother... are you awake...?" I heard a small voice say, in italian.
"I am."
she was my little sister...
"can i talk to you...?"
"it's... very late, but... come..."
I am scared, I'm not ready for any advice in anything.
"I... I have this friend in my class, she is very close to me and... she said that she would keep me with her all the time so I don't have to suffer from my parents being divorced... is this something good...?"
"... suffer...? are you suffering from..."
"well, no... mom and dad are adults, they know what they're doing..."
"... what? but... does this... make you angry, maybe? or..." fuck, of course it wouldn't make her angry, it's only me... "or sad?"
"sometimes..."
YOU ARE READING
cigarettes
General Fiction"I couldn't breathe. the smoke invaded my lungs while I suffocated. I felt like i was dying; it was a very pleasant feeling. after all, life is only a show that ends in... death. either now, or later. either alone, or accompanied by someone. either...
3. one death can part soulmates
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