Unsent Letters

Years

It's been years since I've felt this way. To have tears in my eyes while I write about what's bothering me. To cry and wonder why I was never a favorite within my family, why I am always the one that is never invited to anything. Never a first thought, always a burden to have around. You'd think that after putting up with this for years I would be okay and it wouldn't bother me. Or that I would magically become immune to the feeling but no, it still hurts now as much as it did back then. To not even have family consider me, or ask how I am, or even include me in anything sucks. To be left out of group chats or just left out of things in general has honestly messed with me my entire life. 

Why me? What did I do to be the one who gets the short end of the stick? I tried to be perfect, it seemed to be an even bigger mind fuck then this feeling now. Hell even the family that I thought cared, doesn't. Nobody has even asked to see me while they've been in. I see that I stand on the outside. Always the outside.  I'll never be included in anything so why should I now.

I invited everyone to my wedding, but nobody but my parents, two brothers, and a few friends of theirs came. Shitty huh? An wedding that was held not even an hour away from most of my family and they couldn't even bother to come.

That's not even the best part. Everyone had to come in for a cousin's wedding yesterday. All of them made that two hour trip, hell some even made that nine hour drive to come and watch them get married. That's nice to know. But should I be surprised? Should I be here crying, feeling like I'm fifteen again and no in my family loves me? 

If I even try to talk to my mom about it, she just says that's how they are with her but it's not. They call her, they talk to her. She isn't blocked on Facebook by some of them. So no you don't get it.

Why can't I have thicker skin - as I write that I have to give a laugh at how fitting that is in this aspect. Part of the reason why I've never felt good enough was because I had always been the ugly cousin, or the fat cousin. Whichever made it easier for them to use against me, or for them to explain why I was never invited along. But quite honestly, I'm not either one now and I'm still the one that never hears from anyone.

I could sit here and list a million things that I've never been included in. It would probably take me years to get through it all. Probably as long as I've went through this, maybe even more.

My husband Devin tried his best yesterday. We hadn't been on an actual date in a while. We're always working, me day and him night but he knew I needed to get my mind off things. It helped a lot but I still laid in bed and let ridiculous thoughts happen.

Do I have to live with this feeling for the rest of my life? Why does it still bother me? Better question. Why am I never good enough?