[use a song while reading this chapter and if am allowed to choose for you : Wicked game - Gemma Hayes.]
"Isn't it scary?" I asked you slowly. I usually don't do that... I don't show what scares me or my weaknesses to any stranger or even my own friends. Well.. if I can call them friends, because for me friendship is pointless. I am more of " people I know. " kind of person.
I felt vulnerable when I asked you that question... I was too turned on and vulnerable that night and god knows how much I wanted to let it all out without any overthinking.
"Are you scared?" You replied with a question. I felt the need to tell you how scared I was of what was happening between us, because I knew how much beautiful, deep feelings hurt at the end.
I knew that when the love is strong... the pain is stronger.
"No." I lied
"I feel like you're trying to protect yourself as much as you can and to be honest, I think that you're doing the right thing." You explained and it confused me a little. Were you trying to push me away? Were you tired of us already? Were you telling me indirectly that you wanted it to stop? You have no damn idea how much you pissed me off that night when you told me that. It was like you were giving me reasons to hang up and never talk to you again... why were you scaring the fuck outta of me ? Why? I usually runaway when I sense danger, but I couldn't do it... I just couldn't go and at that exact moment I knew that I was getting deeply involved with you.
"Look... " I said taking a deep breath. " it's not about protecting myself at all. " I was mad, " it's just that I know what I am doing... I know myself enough... I just know my feelings and ..." I was panicking so bad and for the first time in my life, I couldn't make a coherent phrase.
"What's wrong?" You interrupted me and I was sure that you felt my confusion. The way you interrupted me made me feel like you saved me a little. I know, it sounds strange, right? But it's true. Actually it fucked me up and helped me at the same time. "I think it's time for me to go to bed." You added and it broke my heart a little.
Did you know? Did you actually know how much I was liking you? Or maybe more? How dare you? How dare you telling me that you were going to sleep like that and I was in a very chaotic confusion? I needed you that night... I needed you to reassure my heart and mind, but instead... you said you were going to sleep?
I was scared and it was obvious. I needed strong words to give peace to my heart.. but you were pushing me to be afraid even more than I already was.
It didn't make sense to me at all... but now... it does.
I had so many questions running inside my brain and I wanted answers to each of them.
"But... " you began again and it gave me hope. Maybe you wanted to stay and maybe it was your ego talking earlier... maybe you were feeling the same or maybe... you were playing with my emotions... maybe I was simply dumb to believe two or three of your charming speeches.
I craved to know what you had in mind and what your 'but' was for, but my dear... it was too late, because my ego took the lead.
You know I tend to do that a lot... when I'm hurt or someone hurts me with a simple word and even if I am deeply in love with them... My ego alarms and takes the lead, so I turn to its sub and just follow without saying a word... I become entirely submissive to my alter ego...
My damned alter ego...
Or like I call myself.... my ego's babygirl.
"Goodnight." I said coldly stopping you from finishing your thought. My goodnight was cold, huh? I know because I felt it and felt its coldness... in my veins.
It's funny how you made my blood boil then turned it cold in a minute... you had such a power over me...
I didn't give you the time to say it back and I just threw my phone away and myself back on the bed... looking at the ceiling for a second and thinking to myself
I had tears filling my eyes...
Today... I remember how painful it was and how miserable I felt... how weak I was... how sad I got...
And I simply told myself...
"How the hell.... did I get myself into this." I was terrified.
I told you so my dear...
I told you to avoid approaching my fear...
I told you that the second my heart is negatively touched...
It seeks protection and my ego is always there to play that part.
I told you so...
My dear.
