Life really sucks sometimes. I just want to be happy and want to be with somebody I can't be with. He has a girlfriend which sucks for me, but I want him to be happy. I really love him and have for 5 years, but we lost contact for 4 years due to some unfortunate circumstances and us being "too young" to be together. He reached out to me back in June so we could get closure on the situation. I'll just have to go back to the very beginning for you guys to fully understand.
It was about mid-September in 2015 ( I was in 7th grade) when my best friend invited me to go to church with her after I had just gotten ungrounded. I had gotten grounded because I got busted for having an Instagram when my parents had strictly forbidden me from having it until I got into high school. I walked into the youth group room with my best friend, and we had sat down at some chairs that were placed all in rows for the youth group. I was talking to her and I turned around when he and his brother walked into the room, and I asked her, "Who are they?" and she replied with, "Everybody calls them the 'Cowboys.'" I then said to her, "-------- I don't think anybody calls them that."
One of the first things I noticed about him was his red polo shirt, and then I saw his face and instantly had a crush. He was wearing his red polo, a pair of bootcut blue jeans, and a pair of boots. He had dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, fair skin, and the cutest laugh. We ended up becoming friends, and we hung out before church every Wednesday night. The more we talked the more I fell in love with him. He had a girlfriend at the time, so I decided to date a guy I had a crush on the previous year because he asked me out. I still continued to flirt with him despite the fact that we were in separate relationships. He and his girlfriend eventually broke up, and I flirted with him every Wednesday and he flirted back. I rode the church van to church and it brought me home. Eventually, my crushes mom picked me up for church every Wednesday and Sunday.
One night one of my friends told him that I had a secret and I didn't want to tell him. It was that I had a crush on him, and he already knew but he just wanted to hear me admit it. He held onto my hands and wouldn't let me go. He was being flirty with me, and well he wouldn't stop saying, "Tell me! Tell me!" I accidentally let it slip, "I have a crush on you!" and then I bit him on his thumb and he let me go. I then realized what I said, and out of embarrassment I ran to the bathroom, locked the door, and started crying. All of my friends including him stood outside the bathroom and convinced me to open the door. I did and talked to my friends. I came out of the bathroom and he said something like, "Do you really think I would reject you?" with a little laugh, and he then told me that he had a crush on me too.
February was when I broke up with my then-boyfriend, and when I told my crush about it. He, his dad, and his best friend picked me up for church that night because his mom was going to be running late because of work. I told them like it was nothing, and he mentioned that he was back with his ex-girlfriend. It kind of stung when he told me. That night at church we talked about it on the side of the hill at church, and he mentioned that his girlfriend was cutting. I told him, "I promise you that I will never cut no matter how bad life gets." He and his girlfriend ended up breaking up.
A couple of weeks later I came out to my parents about how I was sexually abused by my mom's ex-husband. I was worried about my interrogation date the next day, and I mentioned it to him and he was confused because I hadn't told him yet. I had my friend tell him for me when I went to the bathroom. I was too ashamed to tell him about it...he didn't care...he just wanted me to be okay. That next Sunday I got picked up for church by his family. His mom sat on the outside of the pew, I sat next to her, then it was him, and then his dad. I started off by poking his leg, and then we started poking each other's hands, and then I grabbed his hand and held it, and rubbed his hand with my thumb. We avoided talking about it after church on the way back to drop me off at my house.
This is where I am going to end it for the night. I will be back tomorrow to write more!
