Heal Me, Love Me

Prologue

Sometimes we cannot have the things we want. Even if we wish for it on a shooting star it will always be impossible. Damn! Sino ba kasi ang nagpauso na kapag humiling ka sa shooting star, matutupad? At sino namang uto-uto ang naniwala sa ganoon? That's an old myth for crying out loud!

I was 8 years old when I believed on that myth. I was still dumb and clueless at that time that's why wishing upon a shooting star was like my hope and saving before.

I had a rough childhood. Mom and Dad are always fighting. Sigawan at mga kalabog ang naririnig ko mula sa kanilang silid. Imbes na lullaby ang nagpapaantok sa akin bago matulog, ay mga sigaw at pang-aakusa ni Mommy kay Daddy ang nagpapapikit sa'kin, wishing that when I fall into a deep slumber I, won't hear their fights anymore. How ironic right?

Nagpatuloy na ganoon ang nangyayari sa mga araw ng pagkabata ko at kalaunan nakasanayan ko na lang iyon pero hindi porke't nakasanayan ko na ay okay na sa akin. No. It will never be okay for a child that felt neglected because her parents are busy arguing instead of taking care of her. Not until I heard Mom mentioned about annulment. Doon ako kinabahan, iniisip na baka ang pamilyang pilit na inaayos ni Daddy ay masira na talaga nang tuluyan kung bibitaw si Mommy. Hindi naman ako bobo para hindi alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng salitang annulment.

Pareho sa mga palabas ay humiling din ako sa shooting star. Hiniling ko, na sana maging buo pa rin kami ngunit gaya nga ng sabi ko kanina ay "We cannot have the things we want". The family I wished to stay the same, slowly fell apart. Mom left us and the mansion. Wala ng sasakit pa sa tagpong iyon. I blamed Dad for it. I planted hatred on him for almost a year.

Isang taon ang lumipas. I was 9 years old back then when I finally found out the truth accidentally. Walang kasalanan si Daddy. It was Mom's fault from the very beginning. She was the one who cheated on my father pero para sa pananaw ko ay parang nagtaksil na rin siya sa akin. She accused Dad for cheating when in fact, it's her doing.

At a young age my perspective of love and marriage changed after what happened to my parents. Na hindi porke't mahal niyo ang isa't isa ngayon ay hindi iyon mawawala at mapapalitan. Na hindi porke't kasal kayo ay hindi na kayo maghihiwalay. It doesn't always work that way.

Feelings can be change. It is even replaceable. Katulad na lamang sa pagmamahal ko sa aking ina na ngayon ay nag-iba na. Napalitan ito ng galit at poot. The anger and hatred spread like a wildfire on my system because of her betrayal. It made a huge impact on my life to the point that my mental health became unstable.

As I grow up, I am also fighting from anxiety and depression. My mother gave me trauma and I cannot forgive her for causing it to me. Call me bitch or what but my decision won't change. Hindi niyo kasi maiintidihan because you never experience those things. You've never been into my shoes!

Napabalik ako sa kasalukuyan nang may biglang tumapik sa balikat ko. Tinignan ko naman kung sino iyon.

A petite woman came at siya rin iyong tumapik sa balikat ko. She was no other than Alexi Silvestre, one of my best of friends. Wearing a fashionable midriff top and mini skirt, she then settled herself on the couch where I choose to sit a few minutes ago.

"So, how's your engagement party? Too bad I wasn't there to watch it," she said and grab a drink on our table.

"Fine, I guess. Hindi ko rin naman pinatapos ang party dahil hindi rin naman ako intresado sa mapapangasawa ko at niyaya ko na lang sila dito sa bar," I explained and turned my gaze to our friends, who are busy drinking alcohol on their shot glass while watching the ocean of people dancing on the dancefloor. Napatingin din ako doon. A lot of men are dancing erotically there at alam kong iyon ang dahilan kaya tutok na tutok ang mga mata nila sa dance floor.