I'll Share With You My Heartbeat

twenty six

But Kieran stopped him, lowering his hand despite the lack of actual contact. "You don't have to," he whispered, sending a chill down the boy's spine, "Can we just stay like this for a little? Is that okay?" Somehow he knew whatever they had would start falling apart the second he walked into his sister's house.

Lennon nodded dumbly, turning and nuzzling against the ravenhead's head, subtle enough not to draw attention. He kissed his hair— though it was more of a small pop of the lips than an actual smooch.

Lennon had never experienced intimacy like this.
The lack of physical touch burned his skin third degree, but made him crave more warmth anyway. It caused his soul to burst into flames. And the dainty displays of public affection made butterflies erupt in his stomach, a secret hidden behind a veil from the rest of the world.

His secret. Their secret.

The chestnut boy looked up to check the next stop, heart squeezing when he realized it was theirs. He wanted to keep Kieran close like this for a few more lifetimes, but he forced the words out of his mouth anyway. "Ghostie," he said under his breath, "We're getting off soon."

Kieran huffed in annoyance, refusing to separate. It made Lennon crack a cheesy smile.

The chestnut boy fished out his phone and held it against his ear. Kieran didn't stop him this time. "Or we can just forget this ever happened, turn around, head home, watch a random movie and maybe..." His voice shrunk with bashfulness. "Cuddle? Or just... exist together?"

The ravenhead finally lifted his head off the boy's shoulder, a teasing grin on his lips. "Is that what you want, Len?"

A rosy color filled his cheeks. "Mhm." Lennon lifted a hand to stroke his face but stopped himself midway when he caught someone staring. "Is that what you want?"

The edges of Kieran's lips drooped and Lennon's smile faded with it. He recognized the war in his eyes, the same battle that overran his mind since Lennon first met him.

"Sorry," the chestnut boy said quickly, shaking his head and averting his stare, "I'm sorry— I shouldn't have—"

"Lennon." Kieran brushed his knuckles under the boy's chin, nudging his head up. "You know I feel something towards you."

Lennon's face scrunched. Something? he wanted to ask. But he couldn't. I feel something towards you too, he wanted to say. But he couldn't.

That was the moment he realized they will never fully admit it out loud. Never go that far. Never dig that deep of a hole. Close the chapter. Knit the safety net.

Kieran inhaled shakily. "But I can't not do this. I don't have the option of going home and forgetting."

"I understand," Lennon replied.

He understood. He did. And perhaps that was the worst part of his agony.

__________

Kieran scaled the pavement with big, anxious strides, limbs rigid with what's about to come.

Even the neighborhood felt familiar. Like the little rain boots of little Kieran had tread these roads before.

"If you have questions, you can aim them towards me. I'll try asking without sounding like a total creep," Lennon instructed the ghost right before he rang the doorbell.

The second Sara opened the door, Kieran had lost his sense of time and space.

The tension in his bones solidified like there was no oil in his gears, every step forward felt like he was moving through water. Drowning, slow and groggy.