Why The Fuck Not? | An SVAU anthologi

Rowan Adopts A Panda

Rowan adopted a panda from WWF. It was a baby giant panda and he called it PandaPants and when he was two he emigrated to Spring Valley, Walse. On his way he read through the only letter he still had that Rowan had written him.

"Dear PandaPants, I hope this letter finds you well. I'm terribly sorry to hear about your mother, I hope she is doing well also in the home for retired pandas, bless her soul. Everything is fantastic in Spring Valley, we think of you every day my dearest PandaPants. And remember if you are to ever visit you can expect the warmest welcome, until we meet, yours truly. R. Aboat."

Port Spring Valley, PandaPants got off and stood at the station, waiting like the children during the war he read about but no one cared. They just walked by not even looking at him.
He waited for seven days and seven night. He watched the grasshoppers get born and eaten and the construction men fall of the roof. And he watched as everyone who passed him showed as little remorse as possible. Was he even alive he though.

Until the eighth day, a family got off the train. They walked by PandaPants and stopped.
"Oh my dear do you have a home?" The mother asked.
"No." Said PandaPants, "I haven't anywhere to go."

They were The Blues, and they took PandaPants in for one night and one night only Mr Blue insisted.

"I'm looking for this boy." PandaPants said, "I haven't a memory of him but I know from this letter what he was like."
"Here." Mrs Blue said, "He's signed it, R. Aboat. We only have to find a family called Aboat."

At bedtime PandaPants said goodnight to everyone but the sister, he knocked on her door and she was still awake, watching a late night show.
"It's Russel Howard's Good News," she said.
"Fascinating." PandaPants watched, "He's a little vulgar Lucy." He was, but Lucy laughed away.

The next morning PandaPants and Mrs Blue bought the yellow pages and found a builder called Field Aboat. And so they phoned him straight away on a pay phone because it was closest.

"Hello?"
"I'm looking for a Field Aboat?" Mrs Blue said.
"Ugch, this is reception. So bye."
"Wait, please." Mrs Blue stumbled over her words, "We're phoning about the Panda his son adopted a year ago now, that is if his sons name begins with an r?"
The receptionist was an utter bitch so they ended up going over to the site Field was working at.

"It's nice to meet you." Field shook hands with the two and they had sandwiches in the back of his four by four, "So you're the panda Rowan adopted, he did tell me once, I'm not good with my memory though."
"We were wondering if we could meet him, you see I'm looking for a home. Here, in Spring Valley."
"PandaPants, Rowan isn't in Spring Valley. He isn't even in his own book."

Field had given PandaPants Rowans school bag and he looked through it. Inside were school books and littered pens, and then a book, by George Orwell, and it spoke to him.

That night PandaPants watched the rain. Mrs Blue sat beside him.
"Why the colour?" She asked.
"This wasn't the warm welcome I was expecting."
"PandaPants," Mrs Blue started, "in this family, we're all a little sad. But that's okay. Rowans father was okay, he must have been sad."
"And why are you sad?" PandaPants asked.
"It's a culmination of many things. There are all kinds of people in Spring Valley. Some, like you and me, are nice. But some, aren't. I dread that my daughter might be growing into someone who's not nice."

PandaPants followed Lucy and the brother Jonny Bach Blue into town as they went to school. He saw dogs stuck on leads and cats stuck behind windows. The children left for school so PandaPants spoke to a cat.
"How can I help, I can get you out of there."
"Smash the window." The cat said. And PandaPants did.
"There are more animals controlled by people who aren't nice, how can I help them all?" PandaPants asked.
"My friends are in the pound," The cat said, "with your strength, you could free them."

And so they arrived at the pound.
"We need to get past that security guard up there." The cat said.
"Leave that to me," PandaPants said, I escaped from China my friend." He snuck behind the guard and killed him in a single strike. He released all the animals from their cages.
"Go! Go my friends! And remember, four legs good, two legs bad!" He quoted.
"Thank you Panda." An old dog said, "I feared my time was around the corner."

The next few days there were riots in the streets as wild dogs and cats scratched and wrecked large chain shops and big schools. They got the help of foxes and badgers and skunks to skink the town up. Badgers ruled Tesco and the seagulls eat like royalty from the chippys around town.

PandaPants wrote to the BBC and got a place on Russel Howard's Good News as that weeks mystery guest. So when he came out on stage Russel came and sat next to him.

"So I'm guessing it's something to do with the zoo?" Russel remarked as his set was themed after one.
"Yes, but with all the animals on the streets, the zoos are nice and riot!" PandaPants joked.
"No you can't joke about that. That's not the kind of humour we do on this show."
"Ok, yea, I'm sorry. It's just, been a rough few weeks Russel. Ever since I killed that pound worker." PandaPants claimed and the audience gasped. Gene the camera man gestured to stop.

"You're not joking, you're actually saying you killed that worker. And you're laughing?"
"If it were me on the ground no one would bat an eye, but because these guys have only two legs your all in tears. It's not nice. No one is nice anymore!"
"And now all of these animals are rioting, two police men are in the hospital because of what you did." Russel said trying to remain calm.
"I know." PandaPants laughed, "How about another joke Russel?"
"No more ok,"
"What'd'ya get, when you cross a mentally ill panda."
"We've had enough,"
"With a society, that neglects him, and treats him like pig shit??"
"Call the police Gene,"
"I'll tell you what you get! You get what you fucking deserve!" And PandaPants ate the fucker in one bite.

PandaPants ended up living with Field Aboat in his treehouse. The Blues became a little less blue. Russel Howard's Good News has to be cancelled.
And the timeline continued.