What Was Left At Camp

Chapter 29. Christian undone

A broken heart? I was broken all over. I'm not sure why they refer to it as a broken heart. Feelings and emotions come from your brain and a broken mind seems like a much more suitable name to describe myself at the moment.

"Christian? Christian? Generally when you're in attendance and the teacher calls out your name, you respond." Mr Jones had been trying to get my attention.

I lifted my head from the plain view of the light beige colored desk to address Mr. Jones. "Here." I made myself known and took in the view of the desk once more.

It was Homeroom and so, to my right, sat William. To my left, an empty desk where Mike generally sits but was absent again today. I clearly had not thought this through. The day after my whole world began to collapse, I literally put myself in between the reminder that I had lost the love of my life and my two best friends. Did I mention it was homeroom? My day had just started.

Many of these feelings are rather new to me. Yes, I lost Billy when I was younger but this was Billy on a level I never thought possible. William and I became one. Or so I thought. I honestly started to believe that our souls were meant for one another. That we fit perfectly and nothing would or could ever come between us. Knowing how wrong I was... that thought alone destroyed me. Add in the sick to the stomach feeling - the tightness of the chest - loss of appetite and sleep... I have a list.

The realization that I had missed a moment in time when my best friend really needed me. That I had been so wrapped up in a relationship not to see she was hurting and needed me. I ignored her. I pushed her to the side and took our friendship for granted. I couldn't name a feeling for this. For what I felt.

It's funny how easily we default to one emotion, one feeling we think is more manageable than the rest. For me, that feeling was anger. I pushed the rest deep down inside and filled myself with rage. The alternative was crying my eyes out all day so I went with it. Anger.

Tap. Tap. Tap. I repetitively clicked my pen on the desk. Tap. Tap. Tap. I could see it was annoying William and I didn't care. It started out of pure boredom but seeing how annoyed William was getting, I couldn't stop. Tap. Tap. Tap. William cleared his throat and I... Tap. Tap. Tapped.

"Can you not?" He spoke through gritted teeth, his eyes fixed ahead. He dared not look my way.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"Christian. Seriously!" He turned and in my peripheral vision I saw his eyes. They looked tired and still lifeless. Screw him.

Tap. Tap. Tap. I turned to meet his eyes for a moment. "GO. FUCK. YOURSELF." I enunciated. My maturity was clearly lacking.

The rest of homeroom went like this. I would tap, William would find a way to try and ask me to stop, and I would find something nasty to say in return. By the end of class, he stormed out looking like he might cry. He has no idea the tears I've shed for him so I didn't feel bad.

My mood was so bad, it radiated off me like bad cologne. If people were in my presence for more than a minute, they made an excuse to leave or simply started ignoring me. By the time lunch had come around, half of my friends were avoiding me like a plague and I was left alone to eat. I could have gone out to avoid people but nope, I just had to go to the cafeteria. Did I really think I would be able to sit alone and eat lunch in peace?

If I were to give myself any credit during this horrendous day, it would have been the first few times I was asked to be sat with and politely requested they sit elsewhere. Given, it may have come across as rude to deny the company, but I was polite in my response. I wanted to be alone. We are all entitled to those days, no? As I ate my delightfully grotesque cafeteria food, I began to feel slightly less aggravated. Maybe I was just hungry. And then, one of the reasons for my distress had the nerve to approach me.