Lewis Capaldi - Before You Go
"I HATE YOU" I scream and turn around to run away as fast as possible. I felt tears running down my cheeks as I heard George shout "Louise, he didn't mean it!" I look behind me, only to see George and Lando just standing there. They are not even running after me. Why would he say that if he didn't mean it? Lando always does things to embarrass me and says things to hurt me.
As I turned around the corner, I stopped running because I knew I was out of sight. It's just a little walk from here on to home.
I scanned the room as I stepped inside through the backdoor. My parents weren't home from work yet, but my sister Cara was. She looked up at me from behind her laptop, a worrying look on her face. "Lando?" she asked me, but she already knew the answer. She knew George, Lando and I would be somewhere around town, just spending time together after school like we always did. Cara stands up and walks towards me, embracing me in her arms as I start to sob.
"It's just so unfair, how can he not see it?" I ask Cara between my sobs. She rubs my back, sighs, and answers my question "I don't know darling. Boys are shite sometimes. Later, when you're older, you'll find someone who will appreciate you the way you are." Maybe Cara is right, maybe Lando isn't the one for me, I thought.
Lando has always been the only boy on my mind. He was always the one to bring a smile to my face if I've had a bad day. And then, suddenly, Lando started to embarrass me with his 'jokes'. At first I let it slide, I thought maybe he just wanted to be funny. I have often mentioned to him that his jokes hurt my feelings, but he just shrugged it off and continued where he left, thinking he was funny.
I even started to question myself. Maybe what he said was true. What if he didn't see it as a joke? Did he even realize that his words hit me hard? And they even hit me harder because I liked him. Every time he said something, it hurt like hell.
I tried to take my distance but that was difficult because he was always around.
George and Lando were like brothers. They saw each other every single day. They went to the same schools and did karting together. Plus, Lando lived a few streets away from our family home thus it was easy for George and Lando to hang out together often.
The next day, I woke up with a weird feeling. Maybe I should get some time away from Lando, I thought. As I came downstairs, I see Cara sitting at the table, eating her breakfast. I grab some yoghurt and sit down at the table, across from her. "It's enough." I said to Cara. She nodded, she knew what I was talking about. "He will still be around George, you know that?" Cara pointed out to me. "I know." I spoke.
"But what if I won't be around George anymore. I'm still in school, George is always away from home. And besides that, I'm sure he will understand, he has seen Lando's behavior towards me." Cara looked at me, eyebrows slightly frowned, and said "Fine. Go ask George. It's your own decision, we can't change that. Just be really sure about what you're doing."
George agreed with my plan, but I could see he didn't fully understand why. He would lie to Lando about my whereabouts, that I had moved to London for my study. He would answer every question Lando asked about me, with a 'Yes, she is fine.' and a 'I don't know, haven't seen her in a while.'
It worked for several years. I lived in my own apartment in London, had some friends there which I knew from school. Life was great without Lando. I did think about him often but tried to push the thoughts away. I never went to support George at a race weekend since Lando would be there too, and I wasn't ready to face him.
Lando did ask a lot about me but George managed to wave it off. Until today, the boys their first Formula One grand prix.
George promised me that he'd keep my visit a secret. I knew for sure, if Lando knew I was attending the grand prix, that he would turn the whole paddock upside down to find me. It's been six years since we had last seen each other. Six years filled with unread messages, unanswered phone calls, unopened letters, all from Lando's side.
Lando was walking around in the paddock when he saw George and Cara walking towards the Williams pitbox. "George!" Lando said excitedly, which made George turn around. "Lando! Hey!" George said as he and Cara walked towards Lando. "You've brought Cara I see." Lando noted, George and his sister both nodded. "Yeah, my whole family is here today. After all, there's only one 'first' race in Formula One." George laughed as Lando thought about what he had just said. His whole family.
"Did you bring Louise too? Haven't seen her in years." Lando chuckled nervous and scratched the back of his neck. George shook his head and said "No, Louise didn't come with me. Maybe you should give her a call some time. I'm sorry Lando but we've got to go. Good luck today mate." Leaving a disappointed Lando behind. "Yeah, good luck." Lando muttered as he walked away.
Maybe you should give her a call. Those words were set on repeat inside Lando's head. Give her a call. Would she pick up if he would call her? Does she even have his number anymore? What if she didn't want to speak with him?
In the meantime, I stepped inside the Williams garage and greeted the mechanics. I take a look around, searching for a familiar face as I spot George and Cara walking inside the pitbox. I walk towards them and greet George with a hug. "Haven't seen you in a while sis, you look great!" George said as he looked at me from head to toe. I've changed my hair a few months ago. My brown, straight hair was now blonde and curly. Lando wouldn't recognize me, I thought. But boy, I was wrong.
As Lando walked past the Williams garage, he saw her. It can't be her, he thought. It must be her. She looked different, but her eyes were exactly the same as the last time he saw her.
The sun was setting, and I was on my way to my car when I heard my name being shouted from behind. I turned around and saw Lando. "How'd you find me?" I asked, baffled. "I knew it was you from the moment I saw you. Your eyes didn't change a bit."
"I.. I can't do this Lando. I've got to go." I said as I turned around to unlock my car, but I stopped when Lando spoke up. "So, before you go, was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?"
As I stand there, still with my back faced to Lando, I felt the tears streaming down my face. "So you know what you've done?" It went silent for a bit. I turned around and looked at Lando, a tear rolling down his cheek.
"Of course I know, but it was already too late when I realized it." Lando sighed, another tear rolling down his cheek but he was quick to wipe it away. "I never stopped thinking about you, and I never stopped blaming myself for being such a fool."
"But, if you need to go, there's just something I need to say, maybe it'll make it all stop hurting." Lando smiled softly as he said, "I love you."
