Heretics

Chapter 23: The Past pt1

"We need to go back." His voice was dark like velvet against my ears. I felt whole in this moment. Nothing could stop the power flowing through my veins. I felt like I was on cloud nine.

"Where?" I smirked at him. I pushed some of his hair behind his ears and wrapped my arms around his neck. My fingers played with the ends of his hair. And he smirked at me.

     "The Little Palace." He said wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my cheek. "Or we could stay here for the night at the little inn in the village." His voice was suggestive and I hummed in agreement.

      "Let's go home. We need to talk Aleksander." I gave him a look and took my arms from around his neck and dropped them by my sides. He sighed and he let go of my waist and followed as I made my way to his carriage.

A heart render stood close and I told him to fetch me paper and pencils for the ride back to the palace. He willowed and without a second thought ran off to get them for me. I sighed and Aleksander came up behind me and lifted me into the carriage. I smiled down at him.

"Thank you Koya." He smirked and climbed in after me taking the pencils and paper from the poor heartrender I had scared shitless. He dismissed him and closed the door.

Throwing the papers and pencils to the side he grabbed a hole of my waist and pulled me onto his lap. I crossed my arms behind his neck and looked into his eyes as he moved so out mouthed were centimeters apart.

"Promise that it's only me." I asked him. I begged him. "Promise that there isn't anyone else Aleksander."

"There is no one else Yelna. Only you." I pulled his face to mine and I kissed him. It was filled with lust and need and passion. I knew in this moment he was my only one. I would never love someone like I loved him.

       His hands traveled to the hem of my skirts which had hiked up my thighs. I gasped when I get his cold fingers against my skin. Goosebumps formed against my arms as I shivered.

      Lust prevailed between the two of us as the carriage jerked to a start and we were thrown to the carriage floor. "I have to say I don't mind this position." I sneered. Aleksander loomed above me.

      "May I?" Aleksander whispered in my ear. I shivered again as I felt his free hand go to undo the buttons on my kefta.

      "Yes." My answer was breathy and my eyes fluttered closed as his lips softly attached themselves to my neck. He bit and sucked the places on my neck that gave him the most reaction. 

      "Moya Tsaritsa." He whispered against my skin as he removed the kefta from my body. He pulled me up so I was startling his waist again and he removed his kefta. He laid those and my cloak on the floor creating a make shift bed of sorts.

      "May I Koya?" I placed my hands on his still covered chest. He smirked and started undoing his own buttons until I swatted his hands away. "Aleksander." I scolded.

     "Hmm?" He grabbed my wrists and held them behind my back as I went l undo the buttons on his shirt. "I think you miss read me earlier."

     "Did I?"

      "Yes. I am in charge. Do not forget that." His inhuman voice sent chills down my spine. I had different plans though. I let the shadows wrap his arms and pull them back. He fought against them as the tightly pulled his arms away.

      "You miss read Aleksander. Outside of the bedroom you are the commander. Inside though," I laughed letting his mind wonder at my comment. "I am in charge."

      An evil glint passed over his features as he nodded his head. "Understood moya Tsaritsa." I let the shadows release him and he relaxed again. The evil grin never leaving his face.

"Good." I slowly undid the buttons on his shirt all the whole kissing and leaving marks down his neck. I was never like this before. I have had my fair share of men and woman but I was never the one in charge. It had always been about them. Never me and now it seemed that he only wanted me to be happy. "Aleksander, I don't know..." I let myself trail off.

"Don't know what my love?" His voice was caring as I buried my head into his neck. His skin had become warm and sticky with sweat from the last few minutes.

"It's only ever been about the other persons needs. I've never been anyone center of attention." My voice shook and I looked away from him. I didn't want him to see this. Not right after I was the confident woman who grew the fold.

"What you're saying is you've never had sex?" His voice had become soft and concerned when I had said that. "Tell me what happened."

"I don't want to talk about it." The mood had been ruined by me. I felt horrible for brining this up and I climbed off his lap and put my back against one of the couches that lined the carriages.

"Then we don't have to until you are ready until then," he paused and pulled me back onto his lap. "Let me show you what it's supposed to be like Milaya."

      My face went beet red at his comment. I wanted nothing more than for him to show me but suddenly all my confidence had drained and I was shy. What if he didn't like my body? As if he had read my mind he answered.

      "You're beautiful and perfect. I don't have to see your body to know that it's perfect even with its scars Milaya." I felt sheepish. I wanted this. I wanted him and I let him have me.

He pulled my clothes off kissing me after every piece he threw onto the couches. First my clothing. I was left in nothing but kg under garments. He tilted back to see my body and I tried to cover the scars. They were everywhere.

"Tell me Milaya." His fingers delicately traced the scars along my arms. My chest and ribs. My stomach and back. He held me close and kissed my collar bones gently. "Tell me when you're ready."

No matter what I had said. I would never be ready to talk about it. It was brought up though. There is no way of shoving it back in the box. I bit my lip and decided that I would tell him. Now or never I guess.

"Years ago, before the first army. Before I had been told that Alina was my cousin. I ran off with a Ferjdan grisha boy. His name was keldon." I took a breath and he moved to look at my face. His beautiful dark chocolate eyes bearing their soul to me. "We ran to some town that I never bothered to learn the name of. In this land it was tradition for woman to start bearing children around the age of twelve. At the time I was fourteen.

"There were so many men and at the time I was to young to understand. They would touch me. I would yell for them to stop. They didn't care. Finally one night one of them brought a knife and every time I would make a sound he would cut me." I motioned to the scars. Aleksander's fingers had been ghosting over them this whole time. "Keldon ran in when he didn't hear anything. Thought I might have been dead. When he saw what the man had been doing... he killed him. He was a heartrender.

"I ran off with someone who allowed me to get raped over and over again and when it no longer benefited him, he ran. When they found out he was grisha they tried to have him hanged. I ran before they could take me in his place. He knew what they did. He was much older than me. Eventually I found a grisha village. I didn't know at the time that's what it was. But when I fainted in the square the healers took care of me and brought me back to the orphanage. I had nightmares for years upon years and still do sometimes. Not as often as back then though."

I was holding back tears from talking about this. Aleksander was looking at me like I was stronger than grisha steel and it made me feel empowered in this moment.

"Milaya you are my strong Tsaritsa." I pulled his face to mine and kissed him. It was salty with tears and I laughed. Probably sounding like a complete lunatic but I laughed and he pulled me closer.