Enough For You || Spencer Reid

fourteen*

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(tw: emotionally abusive terms used and talked about slightly, internalized homophobia only slight, drinking (getting drunk + blackout drunk) suicide attempt talked about at end, i believe that's it but if something else is found, please notify me)

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NUMBNESS WAS CHRISTIAN'S privilege in his pain. Numbness meant there was no pain.

One moment, Christian was sobbing uncontrollably for the loss of his best friend, the person he loves. The next, he sat emotionless in a chair, slightly folded into himself as he tried to make himself as small as possible.

"Stop being a pansy and get ready to leave you little brat, boys don't cry."

Christian didn't have it in him to cry anymore, his fathers voice was repeating in his mind. The case was closed, but nobody cares about the victims left in the aftermath. It was all just pity this, and pity that. A pain unimaginable, as others would say, "I can't imagine losing..." No. You can't. You can't and you refuse to imagine the type of pain the person is feeling, because maybe, you have empathy.

But you refuse to feel that pain on your own selfishness. We're all a bit selfish, are we not? We can't imagine to lose somebody close to us, because it's painful, but when it happens to somebody else, we move on with our lives and treat their pain like some sort of burden. We expect you to move on in moments, like it was just another meaningless life to you. When in reality, the life was meaningless to us, but maybe this person was the only person holding you together.

Marie had been there for everything she could've when she came into Christian's life.

Marie was his lifeline.
The reason he no longer had to lock a drawer in his studio for a good few years.
The reason he got himself help.
Marie was the reason he was still living.

Now, he felt the puppet thread snap. The thread that held himself to the puppet, and the puppet to it's manipulator, and it was done.

Marie was dead.

Christian wanted to scream, he wanted to hurt, but he couldn't. The manipulator had somehow picked up the broken string and brought it with him to the grave.

Christian felt no grief, all he felt was guilt.

Marie was able to save his life, why couldn't he save hers. A year or so after he had met Marie, he drank, and he drank. It was his birthday. He could do whatever he wanted, and he chose to get drunk. His mind told him not to, but those days, Christian's heart overruled everything.

Christian was in pain. So much pain, he blacked out until he was standing on the edge of a bridge. A bridge once ridden with happy memories, now felt constricting and the air had felt thin. The only reason, to not jump, Christian could think of was Marie. Luke probably hated him, he broke his heart. He was a horrible friend, and boyfriend. How was he even surprised when Spencer left?

Oh, and Spencer Reid. Spencer Reid had shattered Christian's heart, nobody was there to piece it back together. He was left with ashes of the spark, turned fire, they once had. God, Christian wished it had set fire before it had even started. He would have still had some sort of love from his parents, he would've married a nice girl his parents had chosen for him, and he would've died unfulfilled. Like he deserved

Instead, Christian was a sin. A freak of nature.

A man who couldn't be attracted to women, even if he tried.

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10 chapters left.

this chapter is short, but sweet.

and just an easter egg thing i just noticed, not including the epilogue, this story will have 24 chapters and i started act two right before number 12, because that's when christian met spencer and i really just wanna show his healing from now on, or at least, attempt at healing.

as i've said before, the ending will not be all rainbows, there will be a sequel hopefully, but just letting you know now, 24 is the age christian was when spencer left. that's how many parts are in this story.

anyways, that's all, sorry for it being short but i've had some set backs in my own mental health and haven't found the want to write, so i've been posting things i've already written, such as the beginning of my twilight story which is short anyways.

haven't gotten around to posting anything else though.

again, sorry, and i hope you guys have a nice night, day, or whatever. love you all