baby blue • rafe cameron

thirteen

and by the next evening, i was sitting in a therapy room, wearing grey sweats, a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, grippy socks and white pull on vans. i wasn't allowed any sort of strings or any personal belongings. the plane ride back was painful, squished between my mom and katie, neither of which could look me in the eyes. the second we landed, my dad picked my mom and i up, and drove me straight to the hospital. i didn't get to say a bye to anyone and no one tried to stop them. my sister didn't even attempt to say anything, she just climbed in the backseat of ward's car and never looked back as my mom shoved me in the backseat of my dad's truck.

and rafe, he just watched. he watched my mom grip me tight and pull me. he didn't say a word. topper was the only one who gave me a smile and a wave, the only one who showed he cared.

my parents dropped me off, signed the papers and then they left.

"what are you thinking about gracelynn?" the psychiatrist finally asked. i looked up at her.

"i'm in here for the next seventy two hours." i said which made her nod. "you want to know where i was the past seventy two hours?"

"well, from what your mom told me, you were in iceland on vacation."

"yeah, i was." i nodded. "and now my family abandons me here."

"they didn't abandon you, gracelynn, they want you to get the help you need."

i squeezed my eyes shut as they started to burn.

"i'm fine," i said. "i'm not crazy."

i rubbed my eyes before looking at her.

"are your eyes bothering you?" she asked.

"did you really just ask me that question?"

"i think it could be caused by stress and your anxiety."

"no," i shook my head. "that's not what this is."

"your mom tells me that since the recent death of your grandma, and moving back to north carolina, your anxiety has been worse."

"yeah, it's whatever, i'm just trying to get used to everything again. i'm fine though, my anxiety is fine. i only had my last panic attack was because everyone was trying to talk to me and they were freaking me out. i hadn't had a panic attack for days before that."

"okay, so they were getting better."

"they are better." i said. "i'm fine."

"tell me about rafe."

"what about him?"

"well, your mom says you guys are involved."

"we're not involved, he doesn't care about me."

"why do you say that?"

"he's rafe cameron." i shrugged. "he doesn't care about anyone. he likes sex and only sex."

"did you have sex with him?"

"yeah, i did." i said as i felt my chest hurt. "i started thinking he gave a shit about me, but then sarah reminded me he didn't."

"and who is sarah?"

"his younger sister, she's sixteen."

"you said you thought he cared, why so?"

"he was helping me with my panic attacks, taking me out to go do things, he helped me paint my room..." i told her, starting to cry. "he took me to see the northern lights and we swam in a hot spring. he kissed me and he told me he liked me. i just...i let myself fall for him and believe that he was a different person."