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"I don't get why I have to have someone watching me 24/7" You moaned as Dr. Allison walked into your hospital room.
"Because you tried to kill yourself... Again." Dr. Allison stated flatly. "You're on suicide watch until we think it's ok to take you off it."
"Well, I can't sleep now" You mumbled grumpily. "This place sucks."
"At least you can watch TV all day. Most patients would love that." Dr. Allison pointed out.
"Yeah, but TV gets boring, and I can't watch porn or masturbate when I've got some woman just staring at me across the room." You sighed.
"Poor you" Dr. Allison chuckled. "How about you pass the time by continuing the story?"
"You're getting way too excited for it" You laughed. "Although fair enough, because it's about to get dirty..."
* * *
Fourteen days... Four--teen days, I spent in solitary, just sitting there all day, talking to myself, because I was the only person to keep myself company.
It's dull as shit!
I don't I even remember most of the days... They kind of just merged into one... I remember staring at a spot in the wall for hours and lying in bed for longer than I should.
I tried to cry sometimes, but I couldn't... When I wanted to hurt, I found a way to hurt. Punching a concrete wall repetitively seemed to do the job.
It is so difficult to explain to you why I needed to hurt all the time, and I know the general answers that any therapist will tell you, is it's a coping mechanism. Some people do it to punish themselves, other people do it to feel, other people, feel a compulsion to do it.
It's not as simple as that... There's a feeling I get, I can't explain it, it's like I'm just in so much, and I'm so tired of it, that the pain I inflict on myself, makes my life so much easier.
Despite this explanation, it leaves people wondering how can pain help anything? Pain makes us cry, it makes us angry, and in our heads, it makes us stronger.
Truth is, it takes a lot of pain to make someone stronger. You don't just become a tougher person because you fell over and grazed your knee. That's not how life works. But it's nice to think that you're becoming stronger, it's something you say to yourself, to justify what you do yourself.
