The last few words

@Athena

*Sighs* There's so much that I could say, so much that I have already said...but it won't really change anything. But you were both a good and bad mother to me. You hurt me way too many times and I kept coming back to you because you kept coming back to me. You kept trying to comfort me in the times that you knew that I needed to be comforted or just to be loved. You treated me as who I was. I was an outsider to your family. I was the foster child. I was the youngest. I was the outcast. I was a liability that you weren't really responsible for, no matter what you said. I probably would've been better off if I hadn't met you. No matter how many times you said that you loved me, if I had accidentally yelled or pushed Emily too hard, you would come at me and shut me out. If I yelled at your husband, you would yell at me and he would, too. Cut me out. If she cried and I was there with her, you would jump to conclusions and blame me just because I was there and because I was an outsider. When I was in middle school and I was talking to you while I was in school, you got your husband to come to me because you and Emily couldn't face me. You had me talk to him and I had to go to a bathroom stall and cry, so I wouldn't be in front of my class. And I didn't have connection in there so I couldn't respond when I really really needed to, and I cried harder because it made me frustrated just how pushed out I was. I had felt the same way throughout my entire life: pushed out, abandoned, the same way that you made me feel. And I didn't need to keep putting up with it but I did because I didn't know any better. I thought I knew better but I didn't. I really didn't. And I still have some things to learn now, but I'm 95% better than I was then. And I thank you and all the people who abandoned and hurt me to figure out how to become stronger. 

You weren't the best mother to me. There's a lot of things about you that I still probably don't know. But you weren't the best role model. You pretended a lot of things. You pretended a lot of mental things, you were very judgmental and you weren't very comforting when you were needed to be, you could be very mean. Now, I blocked a lot of those memories so I probably couldn't speak a lot on this...but I can speak on the hurt, pain, and abandonment. And that's all I really need to know. 

But thank you for trying to be my mother and taking on a liability.