What love is made of

Pandora's Box

Belle

I wished my life had ended many years ago. There have been no good days. All the breaths I've taken feel wasted. I feel like I'm drowning in my own self loathing. The clock is ticking. Everything is moving forward but it feels like I'm stuck in this ongoing death trapping cycle. I'm stuck unmoving feeling trapped feeling appalled by myself. I'm stuck in this flesh that I never asked for. I'm stuck hearing the voices and I'm stuck looking at myself everyday and wishing there was a way I could make everything go away.

I'm stuck and I relapsed.

My body is physically fine but my mind has been eating itself. The voices have been crawling, calling my name and finding their way back into my head. I wished there was a better way to deal with them. I wish that I wouldn't result in being so cruel to myself every time something happened. But the thoughts won't go away. I keep thinking that maybe with time maybe if I act like I'm okay one day i'll magically be fine.  

  Lie.

Everything would've been a hell of a lot easier if I'd just drop dead... Not just for me but with anyone involved with me. Usually I'm cautious. I don't tell people what I do or what I say. I guess, the thought of someone backstabbing me, would be too much. But today,it seems that my mind is against me and I have only one person to blame and that is myself.

My brother stared at me with tears streaming down his face. I didn't know how to stop them.
But I knew the reason behind his pain. I was the reason his eyes held so much pain. I was the reason he felt so defeated. If I had heard him coming upstairs, he wouldn't have had to see me. He wouldn't have had to see my scars, my pain.  I should never let him see me like this. I was supposed to be his safe place, I was supposed to make him happy, the only person he comes to for comfort. But the fretful look he gave me told me otherwise.

" B-belle." "W-W-what happened? You... Your bleeding.. Belle!"

His voice sounded croaky;   He didn't sound or looked like his usual self.  My mind raced a mile per hour. I didn't know what to tell him. Nothing could convince him that everything was going to be okay. I could see it in his eyes, he wasn't dumb enough to think it was an accident. And so, he had opened Pandora's Box and there was no going back. The only thing I could wish for at that time was that he would go blind. At least then we could pretend that it was all a dream.

I slowly stood up though I felt a bit lightheaded. It must be all the blood loss.
My hands were also very shaky and so were my legs. But either way I pushed through and walked towards my bed. " You weren't supposed to see that , I'm sorry."

That was all that was said, all that could've been said. He slowly walked towards me and scanned my cuts then quickly went to my bathroom. His breaths were shallow and his face looked pale.

After getting everything he needed he started cleaning my cuts. It was silent and the air around us was thick. I didn't know what to say or how to address this but I just hoped that this wouldn't affect him too much. Though I knew I was only lying to myself, I knew that seeing someone you cared about hurting themselves could break you and leave you shattered with only yourself to pick up the broken pieces.

Finally done with cleaning my wounds my brother clears his throat and looks up at me. I know there are over a million thoughts roaming through his head but I did not expect what came out of his mouth. " I want you to go to therapy." He stated his face was void of any emotions and his voice sounded more serious than it's ever been. As much as I tried to hide my surprise at his statement I could tell he saw the shock in my face.