Up until now, I have had nothing against Christian Stirling. He sits one aisle over in class. Our discussion section started two weeks ago, and during that time we've made eye contact once or twice during class. He has a nice smile.
When I'm eighty, and I don't care about the truth anymore, I'll tell all the kids who will listen that yes, I knew Christian Stirling, and you know, he kind of had a thing for me. You should have seen me back then. I was so cute!
But I'm twenty now and I don't have the luxury of lying to myself. And so right now, watching him stride across the parking lot, the memory of his smile turns my stomach. Christian's smile is like a lottery ticket: It's the smile that a thousand people will use to construct impossible dreams. In reality, it's as indifferent as the weather. Good fortune; bad fortune. It doesn't matter. He's never really noticed I'm there.
I have nothing against Christian Stirling, except that he nearly ran me over. Except that every time he'd smiled at me, I've felt a little tickle of something in the pit of my stomach, and I don't have time for something, let alone harbouring that something for Christian Stirling. I have nothing against Christian, even though he's apparently been told he can park in the Chancellor's spot, for God's sake. I have nothing against the fact that the Graduate Student Instructor who leads our section practically fawns over him, hanging on every word he says as if it were chiselled on stone tablets.
I have nothing against Christian except that I'm going to spend the next few hours freezing because of him. And he got oil stain
s on my lucky sweater.
Fine. I admit it. I have something against Christian Stirling.
He lopes up to the building as I squeeze water out of my sleeve. He has an easy, smooth gait, and he disappears between the glass doors before I can say anything. I follow behind, grimly strangling the straps of my backpack and pretending it's his neck. But I don't have time to do anything except follow him into the building, dash up a few flights of stairs, find a bathroom, and rub hopelessly at my sleeve with whatever I can find. Thirty seconds convinces me that water and a swiftly-eroding paper towel isn't going to solve the problem.
I'm two minutes late when I slide into my seat. The instructor—he's told us to call him Fred—gives me a dirty look. The girl behind me gives me an understanding smile as I sit down and brush at my sweater.
"Shitty weather, isn't it?" she whispers.
"Seriously."
Beside me, just two feet away, Christian glances my way. For a second, our eyes meet, and I imagine myself throwing my backpack at him. But he just smiles at me—that goddamned lottery ticket of a smile—as if nothing is wrong.
I gave him a dirty look, but he's already looked away.
Of course. He still doesn't notice.
I take my folder out of my backpack, set the week's reading on the desk next to it, and sit back.
This is not like my programming languages class where I take notes constantly. This is a class for freshmen, a survey course where people just...talk about the reading. I have two majors, both with a huge slate of prerequisites. For scheduling reasons, I didn't end up getting all my required classes out of the way during my first two years of college. Consequently, Christian and I are the oldest ones in the class.
This is just a discussion section, which means that people—freshmen people, to be exact—spend time expounding on their theory of the world. Since almost none of them have any experience to speak of, the discussions tend to be both heated and naïve. I'm not a big talker, so I normally don't say anything unless I'm prodded.
We've been talking about the politics of the safety net for the last week and a half. Today, we're talking about food stamps. Everyone speaks earnestly and academically about topics that have no effect on their daily lives. I don't know if I'm alone in my experience—I can't be the only one in here who doesn't come from money—but from the conversation, it sure sounds like it. I nod and pretend that these things don't matter to me, either.
I pretend it doesn't matter when the girl at the front of the class says that people on food stamps are lazy. I pretend I don't care when someone talks about how they saw someone buying a fifth of vodka and a bag of candy with EBT. I nod and I smile and I try not to shiver. I tell myself it's the draft, that it's my drenched, mud-stained, no-longer-lucky sweater.
And don't get me wrong. This is Cal, and the students here are not exactly known for their staunch conservatism, so there are even more people defending the concept of food stamps. Somehow, they still manage to imply that people on food stamps are an endangered species and that the smarter, better parts of society should extend a helping hand to those less fortunate primates who can't take care of themselves. God save me from college students who think they can save a world they don't really inhabit.
I grind my pen into the desk and keep my mouth shut.
