Anna's Reviews

6 ✿ Whirlwind Girl 3 | Ashia777

Ashia777

note: this review will be very similar to the review before it because both writers wrote about the same show with the same mistakes.

✿ first impression: title, cover and description (8/15)

i didn't like you took the same title of the tv show altho it's a good one. I'd have preferred if you used a new creative title. and what's that between the brackets? an alternative title? it's needless unless you make it the main title of the story. 

i didn't like the cover. it's unprofessional, starting from the floating pngs to the unclear title. besides, it's obvious it's a screenshot from the icons on the top corners.

the description wasn't bad. the only problem is it already gave me the hint it was going to be a cliché story. in other words, it didn't give me the thrill. i felt it was going to be an ordinary story.

✿ plot (10/20)

like i said, the description gave me a hint it was going to be a cliché story. there wasn't much thrill in reading about someone's love life struggles. moreover, the settings of the story are not clear. even if it's fanfiction, you need to create your world for the story.

i read the first 2 chapters and couldn't predict where the story was going. they were just a bunch of normal people conversing about not-so-exciting things. your first chapters are the most important to engross the readers and prevent them from exiting your story, so consider trying to hint at some major events or twist in them.

✿ characters (10/20)

i dislike the way you introduced the characters. i felt as if you told away too much that it could spoil the story, so i didn't read all that you wrote about them. i wanted it to be the story's job to tell me how these characters are like, not a straightforward explanation about each of them.

at the beginning of chap one, i was overwhelmed with info-dumping from bai cao. you told a lot through her thoughts in one go, and it was pure, direct telling. you need to show more than tell. i'll talk about that in the writing style section.

when ting yi visited bai cao, she talked a lot. it felt like she threw buckets of water all at once, surprising me as a reader. i took her like an open book person. she wasn't relatable to me, but idk about other readers. she also pried on on bai cao's personal life. that annoyed me.

the master's character appeared to me as super childsih, not friendly. there's a fine line in between, and the emojis made it sound even more childish.

✿ grammar (13/15)

the grammar was decent except for these notes:

□ some punctuation errors like a missing or extra comma.

□ errors in compound sentences: when you use a coordinator (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so: you can use the acronym FANBOYS to help you remember the seven coordinators) to join full meaning sentences, use a comma.

For example → she washed her face, and she brushed her teeth.

Notice that if you omit the 'and' in the second sentence, the sentence is meaningful (independent).

However, you don't need a comma if you omit the second 'she' → she washed her face and brushed her teeth.

try to use a proofreading app like grammarly. helps loads :)

✿ writing style (15/30)

your writing style was very straightforward, dumping/telling info so much more than showing it throughout the story.

your narration doesn't have to be in italics. only italicise for emphasis or what characters think out of the main narration. you did the opposite: italicised narration and left thoughts un-italicised.

when you wanna write what characters think, you don't write: name (in mind). example of the correct way:

ex: That cake was delicious, Ashia thought. I will buy it again.

since you write in third person, there wasn't a need to do these long "in mind" thought bubbles. when you use third person, you're already speaking on behalf of the character/s. it's okay to express direct thoughts from time to time, but don't let it take a big space in your writing.

i saw you tried your best to convey feelings in between these thoughts and dialogues, however, which is good. it was just not executed correctly, not in the right format. i wished i also could read more descriptions about the settings.

you did the same mistake with dialogue. you don't state the name then what they said. you should use quotation marks, dialogue beats and speech tags to deliver powerful dialogue. an example:

Tears of happiness gathered in Bai Cao's eyes. "Master . . . fine," she answered. "How . . . well?" she asked a series of curious questions.

this is a simple example. you're not limited to it.

it's also unprofessional to use emojis. you should express their facial expressions through writing, not emojis.

you mentioned you write in third person. i observed you were using third-person objective, bc you were only speaking from bai cao pov and tellingher thots, in which you write from one character's perception at a time. you failed to do that in this scene as you were once talking about bai cao and shortly after about the master:

if you wanna write from all characters perspectives and be an all-knowing narrator, use third person omniscient. research about the topic for more information.

dialogue also took the most of your writing. people were talking and info-dumping of the time with you barely writing a paragraph about how they looked, what was the place like... etc. it felt more like a scenario, and the lack of dialogue tags contributed to that.

✿ overall (56/100)

i didn't like this book, but this is my personal preference. the author could do a lot to improve. some changes will be very easy like correcting formats, hence improve the understanding of the reader. the harder parts to improve will be the writing style and planning, which come by practising.

remember my pm is open for further help.

thank you for stopping by and good luck!