When the flowers grow

final letter

I take her limp almost completely gone body in my hairs and rest her head onto my lap and cradle her in my arms as tight as possible, getting blood all over me.

"its gonna be okay", I reassure her

"its gonna be okay", I repeat again.

"I promise", at this point I think I'm in shock trying to convince myself this isn't happening.

This isn't happening.

I can't promise this, I can't promise this, I can't...

I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this...

my voice on the phone isn't calm, I'm not calm, I'm dying on the inside.

"not like this, please, not like this"

Don't do this Amara, don't die, don't leave me.

"I need you, PLEASE", I sob into her chest.

my own voice is all I hear other than my beating heart ringing to come out of my chest and into hers, maybe to keep her alive longer I don't know.

Thump thump,
Thump thump,
Thump thump,
Thump thump.

I look up and over to the side and see a letter there, titled dear Alex in bold letters.

oh god

This is real.

I try to clear my vision as I read...

~~~

dear Alex,

I guess there truly are no words to speck of say to make up for all that your seeing and going through, I know I'm selfish and I'm a brat and you hate me, I hate me for this.

truth is, I couldn't stay any longer, I killed a man, I killed Oliver and you should hate me more than I hate myself for that, I can't fathom how you haven't thrown me away yet, I can't... I just can't think.

I want to say, 'I'm sorry' or 'time will heal all' but I don't want t lie to you, not in this, thats the lest I can do right now is not lie.

Maybe when the flowers grow things will get better,

and THEY WILL grow, time will go on.... And for sure once the flowers bloomed and blossomed everything got better, including her finding peace.

you'll find I was doing this for me, nothing you did or said lead me to this point this is something I needed to do a long time ago, Oliver should've never died, it should've been me, I should've died that day, then everything would be better, happier.

I really hope I wasn't to shitty of a person to you or anyone else, I hope I wasn't shitty enough for you to find me, you should be home, you shouldn't see me.

before I go I will call the ambulance so they can find me, not you.

please don't find me.

I hate myself already I can't hear you morn over me.

truth is, I rather you hate me then understand.

maybe you'll understand one day, but until then and I really hope that day never comes, I love you.

I want to go with a happy memory for you, remember the time we did karaoke? that may have been the happiness memory I have truly, other than the day I met you.