When the flowers grow

final letter

Amara

I think the best of me has always known there was a better pf time before I broken and cracked into pieces.

I think that part of me has also believed it wouldn't be so soon.

my shaky hands hold two items, one with a gun and the other with letters for Alex.

I've been writing letters to Alex ever since I could write and they've never actually been given to him but I'm sure he has discovered them but choose to never say anything about them. 

I sob even more knowing my life will effect his with whatever I may choose today.

if I stay ill have to own up to what has happen to me and what I've done or been doing, if I die them he will find out either way what has become of me since I returned not tp long ago. 

I hold the gun straight between the center of my eyes.

I began to sob, even shaking uncontrollably I have to take two hands to steady myself I sit down on the floor of my room at the edge of my bed.

I position myself for when I fall it won't be to bad.

I drop the gun needing to crawl over to reach it and seat back into place, I take a deep shaky breath.

I look over at the last letter I had written, its to Alex and only him.

"I don't want to go", I softly say.

"I'm so sorry", I whimper.

"I failed this life, I failed everyone and everything, and for that I will always deeply hate myself for", I whisper again.

"this is how it has to be, I didnt want to leave you, but sometimes we can't choose our future. find happiness maybe even peace, someone to love, someone to grow old with that will love you for you"

goodbye, my love...

those are my last words, they have to be, this is how it all ends.

the gun falls to the floor with one loud BANG, I hear foot steps running upstairs, shit he should've have been home, I checked and the world fades into the background, there is no nose, no heartache, just complete darkness and myself.

I can't feel anything, I am gone.

to be truthful; I died years even miles before this journey even started but now people just start to realize that, since I'm gone. 

forever...

timelessly wondering with a lost soul...

Alex

I heard a loud bang and something fall above me, you don't hear gun shots like that and a drop to make your own heart fall out of your chest.

"please, please don't be real", I plea rushing upstairs to our room.

my hands aren't steady and I feel as if I can't own the door.

I breath in and out as calmly as I can, "its not what you think", I assure myself not feeling calm at all.

my own sobs break lose as I close my eyes to open the door, and like that I open them, and there she is...

a gun shot wound through the head and a gun right next to her.

I can't tell who's screaming or if its just me but I rush to her and take out my shaky hands to call 9-1-1 knowing they can't do anything as I move the hair from her face.