Growing Pains

9

Olivia regarded Meredith, surprised at the question, and surprised also at the change she saw in Meredith. It was the first time she'd seen her smile, like a happy smile. But how did she know about Elliot? "How do you know about Elliot?" she asked.

"Lexie says you were mumbling his name in your sleep."

What? Olivia couldn't believe it. "Did I- Did I say anything else?"

Meredith brought a knee up to her chest and shook her head. "So are you on like a secret mission or something?"

"I can't talk about it."

"Drat." A pause. "Well- who is he?"

Olivia sighed... did she want to divulge her feelings to this young brat? "It's complicated," she sighed. Elliot was... she could say she loved him. She could say he loved her. But he was her partner. And he'd been married. He had kids. He was divorced now... but their feelings for each other had put them in danger, and had affected their jobs. She couldn't let them happen. "He's my partner," she said simply, hoping that was enough.

"Uh huh." Meredith stated disbelievingly.

"What?"

Meredith shrugged, "He's not just your partner is he?"

Olivia shot a death glare, but Meredith was unfazed. "Look, around here, I'm known for complicated. It's kinda my thing. So... Elliot, you love him?"

"I-Why am I talking about this with you?"

"I don't know, I just think it's kind of crazy you keep popping up in my life. I say skip the formalities and get right to it. You already know more about me than I allow most people to know so..."

"Fine, I tell you this, you have tell me about why you're suddenly happy. And you have a sister?"

"Okay, deal. Well?" Meredith encouraged.

Olivia sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I have feelings for him... and I think he does for me too. But when you're a cop, you can't. You have to compartmentalize. Lives are at stake, and I don't know... I don't know if we can do that."

Meredith sighed loudly, "I know what that's like."

"You do?"

"Well I fell for my boss, who happened to be married and went back to his wife and then he divorced her so things started to get better, but I couldn't trust him, and he wanted things and plans and I couldn't- it was too much so I broke up with him but we had really great break-up sex which turned into sex and mockery, which was really just our pathetic attempts of not letting each other go, and then he started dating a nurse, and I couldn't sleep so I had to figure stuff out about my abandonment issues and about my dead mommy- oh I didn't tell you that- anyway, I realized that if I really loved him, which I did, then I just have to lean into my fear of losing him and try, you know? Just try and trust him, and we're back together because I made a house of candles and-"

Olivia gestured for her to stop. "Ow. My head hurts." Did she even breathe during that freakishly long run-on sentence?

"Oh, sorry, I'm a bit of a rambler." Meredith got up to check her monitors, and sat back down on the bed.

"So you found love," Olivia smiled.

"I think I did." Meredith smiled shyly.

She thought about Meredith's last words to her. 'We all need someone,' she said. And Meredith had found someone. "Your mother died," Olivia said, having just made that realization from the younger woman's ramble.

Meredith swallowed. "Yeah, that was hard..." Suddenly her demeanor changed. "Look, you can't give up on love. I don't know about this Elliot guy... but if you love him, isn't it better to have that love instead of... whatever you have now?"