The Only Exception

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

After the kiss we shared ay tahimik niya lang rin akong inihatid sa kwarto namin. He held my hand while walking. Hindi ko rin naman iyon sinubukang bawiin sa kanya.

And like I said, I let my heart rule me. I kissed his cheeks a good night. I silently thank God nang makitang tulog na ang mga kasamahan ko. Agad rin akong natulog pagkatapos.

Nang magising ako ay bumalik ang mga pangyayari sa isip ko.

I sighed when all of a sudden, I am here at the crossroads, and thinking so hard which path I should take.

I was once sure that if ever that I will be in this position, I know where to go. I know what path to take. Yes, until now I know what path I should take, but my heart—it's contradicting. It wants me to take the other way around.

Hindi ko magawang matuwa sa nangyayari dahil alam kong kahit sino sa kanila ang piliin ko ay may masasaktan ako. Hindi yun maiiwasan pa.

But you are decided, right? Mapait akong napangiti sa sarili.

Winaksi ko iyon sa aking isipan at hinayaan muna ang puso sa gusto.

The remaining days, I did what he asked me to, pinaramdam kong siya nga. We ignore how his cousin's teased us, hinayaan naming isipin nila ang gusto nilang isipin. We held hands like we don't want to let each other go, we laughed together like a couple, pero hindi na naulit ang halikang nangyari sa pagitan namin.

We didn't talk about the kiss anymore, it's like a silent agreement to the both of us to keep it between us.

I don't want to kiss him again because once I get to taste his lips again, I would really lose it for real. Baka magbago ang isip ko at hahayaan na lang ang taong masasaktan ko.

At ayaw ko ring halikan siya dahil baka mas lalo ko lang siyang bigyan ng ideyang pipiliin ko siya. I know he knows that I'll go back to Conrad after this. Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nakita ang bagay na yun. At kung hahalikan ko siya, ay mas lalo lang siyang aasa sa akin.

I know he can move on from me, at ayaw ko na rin siyang mas pahirapan pa.

The other side of my mind was telling me that just like me, Ryan is just confused too. Or maybe he's playing. But my dumb heart won't stop from believing its own truth.

I want to know his feelings, gusto ko siyang tanungin at gusto kong magsabi siya ng totoo sa akin pero pinapangunahan ako ng takot ko. I'm afraid that if I asked about it, babalik sa dati ang lahat, at baka gaya lang rin noon, masaktan ako sa isagot niya.

He might answer that it was because of the alcohol that he took. That it was the alcohol who ruled his system that time.

At the end of the day, I did not try to ask him, I'm afraid of heartaches. Ayaw kong masaktan ulit, for now, gusto ko lang maramdaman ng buo ang pinaparamdam niya. I will just enjoy the warmth of his presence.

Hindi naman masamang pambigyan ang pusong nasasaktan hindi ba? After this, I'll sober up from this big hangover of my life, kahit ayaw ko.

I know I keep on denying it to my friends, that they are wrong with their accusations...and even to myself. Palagi kong iniisip na nagkakamali lang ako, na nalilito lang, but the truth is I am not confused, it was already clear from the beginning.

Deep in my soul, I know I was falling already. I know he's already etched in my heart and mind; I know he's already living in my head. I know...I know because I unconsciously let those things happen.

Hinayaan ko dahil... nagugustuhan ko.

Hinayaan ko dahil gustong gusto ko.

Hinayaan ko dahil kahit hindi ko man aminin ay mayroon na siyang puwang sa puso ko.