The story is changing

1

January 18

I am different. No. That is not true, I said it wrong. I feel different. I am not different.

Like why though. I am just a girl. A girl with feelings like everyone els. But I feel like I am different than the other girls. They want a perfect boyfriend and shit. I just want someone who cares about me and loves me the way I am.

I feel like I am always in an act. In that act I am someone I don't want to be. I am that type of girl that is what everyone want her to be. I don't want to be that girl. I just want to be myself. My real self.

After that sentence I close my diary. I love to write. It's like I am talking to myself. I understand myself better. And my head won't be a mess after I wrote. My feeling expresses itself in my diary. When I read it after I wrote I understand myself. Then my thoughts are logical and normal. And my mind isn't spinning anymore.

I put my diary in my desk drawer and take out my reading book. I read the book They Both Die at the End. I love it so far. I am always in for a good love story that you can fully empathize with. I don't get that people don't like books. I find reading amazing. But maybe I am different like I said. I don't know.

This is my evening. Writing and reading alone in my room. I like it but sometimes I wish it was different. It's a bit lonely sometimes. My parents don't give a fuck about me and I have no friends. Well I have four friends but I wouldn't call them friends. They sit with me during recess at school, but that's it. We don't see each other outside of school. And I'm not even in their group chat. So what I said, no friends for me.

After I have read a few pages I put my bookmark between the pages where I left off and put my book back in the desk drawer. It's nice to read before going to sleep. Then I don't have my own worries on my mind, but the relationship problems of the people in the book.

I turn off my music to go to sleep. I like to read and write with music. It's like music understands me. And the feeling of loneliness is less. So why wouldn't I do it if I like it right?

I turn off the light and close my eyes. Now that it's quiet I can hear my parents arguing downstairs.

"Are you fuckin' serious. She's not even downstairs half the time. And you say she's not disturbed. Hear yourself!" I hear my mother snap.

I quickly turn my music back on. So that the voices of my snorting parents fade. This is why I always sit upstairs with my music on. I don't want to hear these conversations. They can't even talk about me normally. Normal parents would say they are proud of their kids, but mine can only argue about me. You would think how pathetic, but I don't care anymore. Years ago I put it on myself but now I'm just done with it. It's time for me to understand myself. And I'm going to do what I want. Not what they want.

I listen to the tones of Harry Styles his beautiful voice. Singers are amazing. I wish I had a talent like that. What if I could sing, would my parents love me? Would I have someone who would hug me if I am sad? Someone who pets my hair and waits for me to fall asleep? Someone who whispers soft I love you to me?

Or would it be all the same. Would I still lay here thinking about what I would be if I am a singer. Seriously where am I thinking about. Jezus Hazel you're not depressed or something. Calm down.

Soon I fell asleep to the song Girl Crush. And everything seems to be peaceful for a moment. But deep in my heart I know that tomorrow everything will go back to how it was. And I would never become a singer. No matter how much I want it.

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A/N: So this is the first chapter of The story is changing. I hope your gonna enjoy reading this book. Please let me know what you think about it. I really want to know what you think so that the story can get better!

The book I'm talking about in this chapter is really worth reading. If you need another book I really like this one! This is a picture of the front cover of the book I mean (They are also available with a different blue cover):

I love you! Please take good care of yourself!

Ps. I was listening to Girl Crush when I wrote this. And I think this song actually fits really well by this chapter!