Give Me Love

chapter twenty one

But then you remembered everything that happened, and it was like a punch to the gut.

Sighing deeply, you tore the dress off and went for the next one. With each new dress, the baby blues and the soft yellow, through all the ribbons and lace and silk, you grew more and more lonely and sad. The hem of that yellow dress is something Celesta had taken inspiration from on one of her own pieces, and the lilac shade of that one nightdress was her favorite color.

Once you were done trying everything on, you folded everything back up and left the bathroom to find Ahsoka retrieving a large duffel bag from under the bed. You set the box back down and began moving the clothes over into it. She watched you, kicking her legs on the side of the bed as you did so.

"Okay, what's up."

"Huh?"

"You're all sad now. What happened?"

Her pointing it out didn't really help you hold back your tears. You could feel the annoying sting in the back of your eyes, but you swallowed down on them hard. You had already cried enough for today.

"I'm not sad," you replied with a pathetically wobbly voice. You don't know why you were so damn emotional today. Maybe it was that dream still playing with your emotions, the remnants of that grief lingering around and making you more sensitive than usual. Then again, you were beginning to realize that the more shit happened to you, the more sensitive you got, and that's why you were such a blubbering baby lately.

"I can literally feel that you're hurting so you might as well tell me what's up," Ahsoka looked at you all unimpressed. You sighed and plopped another dress into the bag, frustrated with yourself.

"I just... I miss my friends."

There. You said it. You thought it would sound stupid saying it out loud, but it didn't. Not really. Pathetic, maybe, but not stupid because your aching heart knew that it was only the truth. And now it was out there for Ahsoka to see.

She didn't grimace and ask you why, like you expected. She wasn't the hugest fan of the girls you used to hang around with, only knowing the bad side of them really, but she also knew that things weren't always bad with you. If you loved them, there must have been something good there to love.

So she sat back against the wall, pulling her legs up and folding them underneath her. She regarded you for a moment, watching as you continued packing in awkward silence.

"You don't have to feel bad about needing time to heal," she told you. "It's barely been a month since that all happened. It takes time to grieve, especially when you've lost so much."

Her words forced the air out of your lungs, all of your strength going towards keeping your tears at bay.

It just wasn't fair. You remembered feeling like this the first time, when you lost your friends back home on Noxella. You couldn't blame them for up and leaving you out of nowhere-- you were distant and angry all the time, always carrying a dark cloud around with you, and stressing over everything. No wonder they didn't want you around. Still, it hurt knowing that the people who said they'd be by your side forever could just up and leave so easily.

And then it happened again. You let your walls down, and you let those girls in, and you let yourself love and be loved by them. And they turned around and hurt you in the exact same way. You could never allow yourself to be vulnerable with anyone else, not after that, not when all anyone seemed to know how to do is leave you.

You were starting to think you were destined to be alone.

"Y/n," Ahsoka called you out of your thoughts gently.

You shook your head, clearing it all away. "Thank you, 'Soka." And then you dropped the bag to the floor and took its place, leaning against the wall next to Ahsoka with your legs dangling off the bed. It was nice having her here, like a little sister who was far too wise for her age.

You turned to her suddenly. You knew she had friends back at the Temple-- she was pretty and talented and friendly-- so naturally everyone loved her. And you also knew that she was extremely close with Anakin and Obi-Wan, like family, no matter how much the Order tried to prevent that from happening. But you also felt a little bad for her. She had grown up fighting this war, a child soldier, surrounded by clones and generals and chasing after evil sith all her life.

You wondered if she'd ever known the simple pleasure of giggling about something stupid with a girl friend. Of dressing up in frilly clothes and doing her makeup all ridiculous and then smearing it all over to mess it up. You wondered if someone had ever bought her her favorite drink when she was sad, or told her it was okay to have feelings for a specific person.

These were some of the things you and your old friends would do. Looking at Ahsoka now, you realized they were all things you had been privileged to experience. While you were running around living a glamorous life with these girls and blindly setting yourself up for heartbreak, she had been out here fighting a war that she didn't even cause.

You could be so damn selfish sometimes.

"Ahsoka," you said, and the syllables sounded awkwardly strained coming out of your throat. You were never good at initiating vulnerable talks, but this was something that needed to be said.

"Yeah?"

"Those girls that I was friends with..." She listened quietly, meeting your eyes when you looked at her. "Before they gave up on me, we were like a family.  I just... I just hope that someday you get to experience the kind of friendship they gave me."

She was smiling now, thinking about Anakin and Obi-Wan and the clones and you. Her reply was simple. "I already have."