Fighting for the Fairytale

Nora

Several swearwords came to mind, but only one seemed appropriate for my current situation. 

It starts with a f and ends in a k, but my mother taught me it was not ladylike to say such things, nor was it godly.

Neither was what I just did.

What the fuck just happened? 

You're a cock blocker, Nora. A fucking cock blocker. 

No, you just freaked out like the fucking virgin you are!

Son of a bitch. 

I wrapped the top sheet tighter around me as I crumpled down into a heap in the middle of the bathroom floor. 

Tucking my head into my knees, I didn't fight the tears of self-pity, humiliation, and guilt that trickled down my face.

I'm so sorry, Lord. Please forgive me. Please let Cole forgive me.

A tentative knock interrupted my prayer.

"Nora?" My husband's voice was soft, tortured. I could picture him on the other side of the door, his forehead and fists pressed to the hard wood. 

You did this to him. 

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying hard to stop crying. 

"Baby, please unlock the door. Please come out and talk to me. We don't have to... I'm so sorry, babe. I lost control. I love you. Please come out here." 

His sweet words made the tears worse.

This is on you. Fix it. 

"I—" My voice cracked. I took a shaky breath in and forced my mouth to form words. "I need... a minute... Could you—?" 

What was a nice way to say disappear for a year or two so we can forget this ever happened?

"Tell me what you want me to do, Nora. I'll do anything. Please."

"Could you..." What? What could he do that will make him go away for five minutes?  Cause that's all you need. Five minutes. Just five minutes. "...make me some tea?"

"Tea? Yes, I can make tea!" I heard Cole move around our bedroom, pictured him throwing on some sweats before coming back to the bathroom door. "I'll have it ready for you downstairs, okay?"

"Okay," I nodded, knowing that he couldn't see me. "The kettle should be on the stove top and the tea bags in that little black tin I always kept in the corner at my apartment."

"Got it."

"Thank you," I added softly.

There was a moment of silence when I thought Cole might have already left, but then I heard, "You're welcome, baby," and tears clogged my throat again.

I waited until I heard his footsteps descend the stairs before I allowed myself to openly sob. 

My throat closed and snot ran down my nose to my lips. Lips that Cole had kissed not five minutes earlier. Before I ran away.

Happy first day of our marriage, Cole! You married a spaz! 

I leaned my head back to look up at the ceiling.

What do I do now?

You need to talk to him. My sensible inner voice stated. Tell him what happened.

But I don't even know what happened!

Yes, you do. You got scared and ran away.