Taste of Solitude

Her Solitude

When I woke up, I wasn't at my room. 

I looked around, and saw that I was at the cemetery. And my family's seated in front with my friends. I was confused. So confused.

Am I not invited? Did they forget about me?

Who died?

I run towards their direction to surprise them... But my feet were like glued to the ground the moment I have realized what's happening.

My parents were here, siblings, friends from elementary to senior years, relatives and even teachers. We are complete.

I froze on my spot.

There's a coffin in front. And there's my picture on the side of it, I was smiling there.

And then it hit me.

I am dead.

Bea stood up in front and held the microphone, she remained calm and she tried to held back her tears.

"Gre... Why? Why do you have to do this? Have you forgotten about the things we have to do together as a group? Our bucketlist? Our- Our goals..." she stopped and swallowed the lump in her throat. I sadly smiled, yes, I remember that. I remember how ambitious we were, and how much we want to make it happen.

"I thought we'll be millionaires at 27, Gre? I thought you will go bar hopping at BGC in the future? Why do you have to leave us this early?" Tears fell from her eyes, and she began to sob so hard. I laughed at myself, I really did set a weird goal for myself. Too bad I can't fulfill those anymore.

But, I know my friends can. They can definitely make it happen in the future. They have worked so hard today, they've fought a good fight and I know in the end those tears, sweats, pain and suffering will be all worth it.

Denise stood up next and took her mask and shades off. She showed everyone a smile, a forced one and with her hands shaking, she talk.

" Gre, I promise you this... I will never be ashamed of my face again, I - I will begin to embrace and love myself again, that's what you want me to do right? Just please..." she tried so hard so stop those sobs, "P-please, come back."

She really is undeniably beautiful, despite the fact that she is Morena, she will still stand out in any place that you put her.

"You saved me years ago, G-gre. You're the reason why I am here. You guys, saved me. How can I n-not save you?" and she cried so hard.

You guys saved me. I want to tell them that. They have saved me for so many times already. Even with those times, I failed to tell them they did.

Reese stood up when it's her turn. She looked at my photo beside the coffin and closed her eyes.

"I am sorry Gre. I am sorry for I wasn't around when you guys visited me. I am sorry, I thought I'd still see you the next time around but I was completely wrong..." she said in between her sobs.

"Why do you have to leave? You said I was strong, that I was brave, but you never see yourself as one. Gre, you were the best thing that I have ever met. You always ask about our situation and show concern, you always do things for us. Why didn't you let us do the same thing for you? " she said and cried.

I looked at them, all I can see was remorse, sadness and tears. They may feel guilty for
my sudden death, thinking they should have done something, they should have noticed and they should've asked. My death isn't for them, this is for me.

Under any circumstances, I am meant to die.

I almost fell of the ground when I saw who  stood up next.

Mama...

She was holding my picture and my journal.

" I love you..." that was the first thing she said.

I cried. So hard, because I am going to miss them so much. I will not be here anymore for them. And even when I'm dead, I still disappoint them. By doing this.

I am now off to after life, and I don't know what's in there.

Even in death, there's pain.

" Your journal made me realize that I don't really know you that much, love. I am sorry, " and she started crying. "I didn't see you the way you want to be seen, I am so proud of you Gre. Always. And then you e-even wrote here, if home is really where the heart is, she'll never make it home again. You're my home, Gre. And be-because of this, my home now is incomplete... "

I stared at her. And smiled.

At least I know now that I was loved.

I always thought before that people only stick with me because I was Gre, the smart girl in school. I always feel like people only took me for granted. And that I was really never part of anything.

Teachers, classmates and friends always have the impression of me as the smart and independent student. Little did they know I was craving for attention and longing for love. I see myself the opposite way as they see me.

I am so afraid of failing because it could be one of the many reason why they should leave me. Because I am a failure and no one wants to keep a failure.

I am a walking disappointment in this lifetime.

I know I was existing but I never knew what I lived for. I know I was fighting, but didn't know until when. Everything that happened to me was so unsure, I was unsure of everything.

Just death.

I look around me, and saw people crying.
I didn't know living could be that hard. I didn't know that it was this hard to survive. I didn't know that pain could be this suffocating and suffering, I didn't know that loving could be this difficult.

Now, I'm getting the peace that I have always asked for. It maybe in the wrong way, but I will gladly face the consequences of my actions.

This is the peace that I deserve.