timing : stozier

67

june 24/25

the two were sitting at the kitchen table, richie with his laptop open, watching youtube. he had headphones on, but it was so loud stanley could vaguely hear the audio anyway. stanley was sitting there because he was eating, and he had decided to make some tea.

stanley cautiously tapped a couple times next to richie's laptop, who paused the video (about how to learn languages) and took his headphones off. he slung them around his neck and raised an eyebrow at stanley.

"can i ask you a question? it's about axel, so you're allowed to say no." stanley asked. there was no real way to be vague about it, so he just had to go for it. 

richie sighed, "i'm thinking about him anyway, so go for it." 

"how old is he?" stanley watched as richie gulped the moment stanley asked the question. richie stared into his laptop screen.

"he... he's 29." richie refused to make eye contact.

stanley stayed silent for a moment, and richie knew the mental math he was doing.

"yeah. he had been held back two years, and he was a senior. i was 16. he was 20." richie's fingers spun around each other. he looked up at stanley finally and saw stanley's jaw was slightly agape. he didn't blame him. 

most people had similar reactions. there were some people who didn't really see it as weird, but richie's first real reality check was when he had told his mother, and she'd stopped talking to him for a month.

now, he thought that was the stupidest possible thing she could have done. she blamed the sixteen year old for getting with a twenty year old who pursued him in the first place. 

he couldn't really bring himself to be mad at her. he'd heard somewhere you're not really supposed to be mad at the dead. plus she was his mother, so that was something. 

"richie, oh my god. you were so young... you were together for so long." stanley finally replied. 

"yeah, well, we broke up sometime in the middle. i... i broke up with him. a fleeting moment of tozier genius, i guess. but, um, my mom had a heart attack. she didn't die, this was a while before that, but it-i don't know, like everything was fucking toppling over and i texted jamie to come pick me up from the hospital and... and axel came instead. and i took him back." richie told stanley, admitting things to himself silently.

he had never told anyone this, but when he was visiting his mom in the hospital, he told her that he had broken up with axel. it was the truth at the time, and she had been so glad. he never had the guts to tell her they had gotten back together.

in a way, he had felt like he'd disappointed her more than anyone.

"i'm so sorry." stanley said. richie knew he meant it. he looked away, out a window.

he hesitated, but spoke anyway, "you know, the thing was, whenever i was sober, i couldn't really remember derry all that well, but every time i was drunk, stan, i could picture you... uh, i could picture all of you crystal clear." richie still continued not to make eye contact with stanley, especially after what he had just almost said.

richie gulped and kept speaking, "so i kept drinking. and whenever i talked about you guys, axel would get upset, so i... i'd get drunk and sit on the fire escape and stare at the sky, like, crying and shit. it was so fucking... i... i dunno. " 

something strange about being away from axel now was realizing how much shit axel had done to him. richie was a little concerned that if he stopped speaking, he'd never tell anyone.

"and he-he wouldn't let me drink coffee or anything other than water or fucking alcohol, because he 'hated how energetic coffee made me' and i had to ask him to do fucking anything and i wasn't allowed to swear at him and jamie-" richie cut himself off, like he had more to say but knew he shouldn't. "i fucking hate jamie."

"what did jamie do?" stanley asked hesitantly.

"um, he," richie started, unsure.

"you don't have to tell me if you don't feel comfortable." 

whenever he reflected on it, richie realized stanley was so kind to him. there was truly no reason for it: richie had left him without warning and given him little to no closure ever, and yet stanley was so kind.

"no there's... there's nothing really to say, i guess. he just, uh, never really liked me." richie decided on that being what he was going to say. 

"jesus man, i..." stanley let go of the jamie topic, deciding it was for another day. "i'm so fucking sorry. you never deserved any of that. i hope you know that, rich, you didn't deserve any of that." stanley cracked his knuckles in a way that richie couldn't tell if he was nervous or furious.

"thanks, stan" richie wasn't sure he believed him. he should've listened to his mom. 

richie reached to his headphones, fully intending to blast some white guy's voice (talking about cantonese--the irony was not lost on richie) into his ears to stop himself from thinking about his mother. before he got them on, though, stanley's hand appeared on richie's forearm. it made richie burn up, and he wasn't quite sure why. all he knew was he hoped he was not burning up for the reason he thought he might be.

"just, by the way, if you do ever need to talk to anyone about... well literally anything, jamie or axel or... anything. i am here for you. i... i care about you." stanley gave a small smile. richie was considering shrivelling into a ball on the floor and staying there. instead, he gave a small smile back. stanley sipped his tea one last time, "i'm going to head out, text me if you need anything, i'll be with patty."