I Drew The Old Me

table lamp

I turned the lamp on, sat comfortably on my chair ( obviously not at all comfy cause I'm way too short to even balance my torso with my elbows over the table ), pushed my hair back with that black curvy band which hurts alot after you take it off. I got all my stuff ready on the table, searched for those cozy cafe lofi playlists and Glady found one and....it was a piano adorned playlist. The ambiance I created was cozy and safe. I felt safe. I felt the comfort that previous me would only think about getting it from somebody else, sigh. I was lost thinking about these things, my face clearly showed how cozy and satisfied I was with the moment I was living. That small thin lipped smile and drowsy eyes. I shook my head and just took my pencil. Took a loooonnnnggg breath and closed my eyes. I let my thoughts race with each other and whatever would win would be drawn on that sketchbook. Crazy that always the things that would trigger my past always win.
I let the negative side slide and exhaled.

I started drawing.

I started drawing myself
Waiting for him.

Waiting for his texts that would show nothing but how annoyed he was. Dumb me, would always defend him saying he might be tired, tired of me. I let it slide again.
He'd sleep without sending a text to let me Know how his day went where I was there, slightly wishing maybe

Maybe

He might be thinking of me too.
But now, it all makes sense. I was nothing.

I drew myself wrapped up in my duvet, messed up, face soaked w dried tears with a smile. My phone laying beside me and Abit of Hope in my eyes maybe he might call to sleep.
Sleep on call like how we used to when he was in love.
I don't blame him though, do I ? You cannot make someone stay or love you if they dont, anymore. You can try but you cannot force.
Maybe the time wasn't right, so maybe we should try another time and some other place where things would fall into place

But

Why do we wait for everything to fall in place ? Why do we wait at the first place ?
We can fix it ourselves, can't we ? We can make things right, always, if we want to. We always let things go, why ? Because we're scared or were not sure of ourselves.
I always had these questions at the back of my head when I was with him. I loved him more than words could ever describe. People who used to know us would ask me why. Why I loved him like that despite knowing he fell out of love.
I didn't had any answer with me except

" I love him. I don't think moving on from something you love will benefit you or your mental health. I'd rather keep a part of my heart here with him and the rest of it will move on by itself. I'm not stopping myself from doing anything but this part of my heart would always be here. It would stay untouched. I won't bother him or won't let him know that I love him. Ill care about him and I'll love him but I'll keep my distance. " 

It's been 2 and a half years since we parted our ways but I still think of him. I think of him when I'm at my coziest environment, I'll think of the things related to him.
Those blurry evening bike rides where the sun would be setting and the whole place would turn into a shade of mild orange, those moments spent in his room where the only light would be the light coming from the nearby apartments or the moonlight and how we'd be cuddling
But then

The memories of him hurting me would pile up
And my eyes would drop, my whole aura would break into tiny pieces till I'm left sobbing.