Longing •Bucky Barnes•

41. It Was You

"I didn't mean to bring her back so early, but I have to help aunt May with some stuff, I hope that's okay." He said uncomfortably.

"It's totally fine Peter, thank you for watching her seriously." I said firmly trying to force a smile with him though I know he wouldn't believe it as much.

"We stayed up late and watched movies and ate popcorn and had so much soda!" Morgan said happily.

"Well I'm so jealous, I'm so glad you guys had fun." I said smiling to her.

"I'll see you next time Mo! Bye guys, I'll be around." Peter said before he left the apartment and eyed Bucky cautiously because she didn't need to see this conversation.

"You want some breakfast?" I asked her.

"Me and uncle Peter got donuts, I'm really full. I'm really sleepy though." She said rubbing her eyes.

"Me too kiddo, you want to lay down for a little?" I asked her.

"Yeah, can we go see my mom after though?" She asked and I nodded softly and her face was warm with a sweet smile.

"Of course." I said and she hopped down looking very pleased and content.

She went along to her room and I put away my smile the instant she closed her door. I shook my head and looked away from Bucky and rubbed my forehead to try and alleviate the growing head ache that was piercing through my forehead. I started to walk down the hallway because I needed to take a nap too. I was exhausted and it was clear I wasn't getting the answered I wanted.

"Where are you going?" He asked me grabbing my arm to which I just jerked away.

"To be alone." I said coldly.

"Valerie please." He said trying to plead with me.

"Please what?" I asked harshly but still in a whisper. "I'm trying to help and understand, but you refuse to let me. I have barley slept because I'm up and worrying at nearly every hour of the day."

He looked stunned for a moment as if he didn't know what to say. I let another tear fall and I just shook my head and turned away. However, I felt him grab my arm and I jerked it away even harder this time.

"Valerie!" He said clearly frustrated, but the last thing I wanted was Morgan to see or hear us fighting.

"Don't you dare raise your voice around her." I said lowly getting into his face because I knew I was very protective of her. She had enough going on, Bucky and I fighting was nothing she needed to be concerned with.

"I'm going to explain, just come here." He said softly this time with his hands up because he could see I was on edge.

He went to the bedroom and I reluctantly followed him. I shut the door behind us and then I looked to him who now sat on the end of the bed. I crossed my arms as he looked up to me.

"It's not a dream." He said with an exhale.

"What do you mean?" I asked hesitantly.

"It's not a dream that I'm having when I wake up." He said hardly looking at me. "It's a memory."

"Of what?" I asked.

"You have to understand why I wouldn't tell you this. I didn't want it to change anything." He said. "I wasn't even sure it was real for a long while."

"Bucky we've been together 6 years." I said shaking my head. "We've literally been through everything together, a memory is hardly going to change anything."

"I've been able to forgive myself for a lot of things. For all the missions I went on and the people I killed while under their control. But this memory is something I can't let go." He said staring at the ground.

"What is it?" I asked shaking my head.

"My second to last mission before Steve saved me." He said emptily. "It was the last mission I had ever completed because I woke up and fled before I could finish the job."

I stood there silently waiting for him to continue. I could see whatever he was thinking about was clearly hard to talk about. I didn't say a word because I didn't want to push when he was already trying to tell me. I just wanted to know.

"I didn't always remember this so don't think I've been lying about this for a long time. A few weeks ago I had a flashback to a mission that I had in Sokovia, sort of near Novi Grad. For a while I thought maybe it could have been a dream, but after a while I realized it wasn't just a dream." He said talking with his hands a lot.

"Novi Grad?" I asked and my shoulders instantly dropped.

I hadn't thought much about places I had been in the past too much but as soon as he said it I remembered. Even as all my memories came back even thought I already remembered that day perfectly, I clearly had missed a very important piece. Something that I should have wondered long before today. My stomach sunk as I let my mind put the pieces together. I would have never known it was him.

"That was you?" I asked him emptily.

"My mission was to recapture you. They had a tracking implant on you that you didn't know about from before. They knew that you guys were close and they waited until you were alone. I had no idea what I was doing Val, I didn't even know who I was much less who you guys were." He said and I was holding back a sob.

It was one of my hardest memorized to think about. The day HYDRA took me back in for the second time. I was sat out waiting for Nat to come back and Steve and I were alone for hours. Finally he went to go look for her and I was alone. I was supposed to have gone back to the car after a while and I didn't. I was attacked from behind and smothered with what I could only assume was chloroform.

"I can't forgive myself for being the reason they got you back." He said and his voice was shaky.

I hugged myself and turned away from him. I had chills going all up my spine and I wanted to curl into a ball. I knew it wasn't his fault, but it just hurt knowing it was him. I had no idea what to do or think, but in this moment I just felt hurt.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked him as I quietly sobbed to keep my voice down.

"I didn't know how Val, please understand that much." He said stepping towards me and I just backed up. "I knew this would happen."

My whole body wanted to run away, but I held it back. I didn't not want to be near him and it hurt me to be scared of him. I knew that's exactly what he was scared off but I physically could not help it.

"Val." He said softly noticing I was apprehensive.

"Please." I said in a small voice eyeing him.

"Please don't look at me like that." He pleaded but it was hard for me to respond.

I bit my lip and just watched him. His hand rose to grab my face and I let him touch me, but I looked away. I felt a tear leave my eye and I tried to hold it back for him, but I couldn't. I was shaking and confused and I was hesitant to find comfort in him.

"Please don't hate me, please." He cried and I rested my head on his chest.

"I'm scared." I said shakily.

"I wouldn't never hurt you Val please, please don't say that." He said crying. "I was the reason you went back in, I can't forgive myself for putting you back in there."

"It wasn't you, it was them." I said still stifling my cries. "Bucky, don't say that."

"It doesn't matter what I say Val. I can't let that go, I can't live at peace with that." He said shaking in my arms.

"Bucky you've made it right 10 times over. You know as well as I do that we can't hold our pasts against ourselves. Don't let this be any different." I said taking in a deep breath to try and control my breathing.

"I'm sorry." He said and his knees gave out.

I hit the floor with him and a shooting pain went up my wrist from catching him. He curled into me and I just held him. There was nothing I could say or do to help this situation. I knew I forgave him, even if it hurt, I forgave him but he didn't know that. I wish I could make him understand, but he had to face that battle himself.

The best I could do until then was to just exist.