JUST IN TIME

UNRESOLVED ISSUES

"I am sorry, Lis. I really am. That's why I am asking for a chance to prove to you everyday that I have changed and I can love you more than you'll ever know.

But if you you think that you only need my body, go. Do everything you want. Will that make you feel fine?" She asked while wiping her tears. She dropped her butt on the floor while still leaning on the wall and Jennie's really becoming weak right now.

I stood up.

"I hate myself. So fucking much. I have loved you more than anything else. But you chose to hurt and leave me." I said in a weak voice while not minding  my tears anymore.

I am being eaten by my anger. I swear, I am controlling it. But I don't know why I couldn't fight it

I am angry with her. So angry right now even if I don't want to. I didn't know denying me in public again would trigger me this bad. Worst, I am lusting over her and that made me so confused. I want to own her. Just mine. But I am afraid. I think of Sam. I think of her too.

"Give me a chance please? If time comes that you'll realize I am not worthy of your love anymore then tell me. Lisa, I have realized a lot of things. And I really want to correct everything now." She stood up and kneeled in front of me. She held my hand and crying on her knees.

"Please. I am sorry. I am really really sorry." She's begging. I remembered how I begged at her before with our son in my arms. I couldn't stop crying.

I lifted her up and I am not aware anymore of how much force I am giving her now.

I pushed her body on the counter top on the side as she faces the wall.I took off her underwear down there forcefully. Choked her neck. I couldn't control and I kissed her back. Fuck. Her fragrance that I got addicted to.

"Begging for what? We both know that this is just what you want from me, Jennie. Isn't it? You also just want me to work for your Chanel right?

You better give me what I demand too and that is to touch you whenever I want." I said as I release the button of my pants with my other hand and unzipping it down.

I inserted my thing without any thoughts. I started to thrust her so hard. I am consumed by my anger.

"Lis, you're hurting-- hurting me."

"You've hurt me so much, Jen."

I pushed more. She's already crying. Sobbing. But she's just letting me.

"Can we just make love? Please. Do it slowly." She begs as she slid her hand on my nape. Trying to move her lips to mine while she slightly turned her head.

And that kiss is my kryptonite. Again, it really makes me weak that if I won't control myself, I'll surely submit to her.

I stopped, moved back and put back my pants.

Jennie's becoming so weak. She took her underwear and fixed herself. Still crying. I suddenly came back to my senses.

"You can just ask me to make love with you if you want and not use any sex card for you to accept the Chanel project. But if this is the only way you think that you can forgive me. Go, use my body in anyway you want from now on. But I just want to let you know that I can do more for you to accept me again in your life. Even if that means waiting, courting you everyday and proving to you that I have changed, I will.

Yes. Who am I to tell you all these when I ran away and just showed up just like that after nine years?

I regret everything, Lisa.

God knows that I needed to save my sanity too. I was so broken. Not because of you. Not because of Rion. I was so broken because I don't know what's the reason why I felt shattered. I don't know too if it's part of my pregnancy or what before.

More importantly, I didn't want you to go away from your dreams just because of me, Lisa.

When I came back to Korea, I tried to find myself. I tried to get to know myself. But this unknown fear was so powerful. I couldn't eat. All I think of was how to make Chanel bigger. How to become famous. How to become rich. When I know to myself that I actually didn't need those.

Until one day, I was diagnosed with depression. I have been trying to find that happy place for me to get away from the dark. And you know what I have discovered? I wasn't helping myself overcome those fears. The fear of judgment and rejection. I was so hurt too when I rejected you. Do you think it was easy for me to be away from my son? From you? It wasn't, Lisa. But I had to. If we stayed together, maybe you'll lose your sanity. Maybe we'll just fight everyday. Maybe all you'll think and worry about is me.

Call me selfish, but I know it's not just about me. I wanted you to reach your goals. And I knew that you having me here that time would just ruin you, Lisa.

Four years ago, I found those love letters you gave me in college. I kept reading them. Your letters motivated me to help myself. Until my therapist told me that I can already manage my condition. Until now, I am still helping myself. But love is really powerful. And reaching out to people who can help me medically. I didn't want to bother you. I didn't want Mom and Dad to worry about me.

Because all my life I had been always dependent on you, Lisa. Where's Lisa. Lisa, I need you. You always fight for me when other people used to hurt me. I was too weak. All I needed was Lisa. You get me? It was all about Jennie who had Lisa in her life that I didn't get the chance to know the real me.

I just wanted to know if I have strengths too. I wanted to discover if I can stand on my own feet. Without anyone."