The Trials of Being Loved

Part 14 - Orca, Just Love Me

New's head shook against his chest, his shirt damp with his tears. "No one in particular. It's loneliness, fear... lots of things bottled up over time." He finally raised his head to meet Tay's concerned gaze. "There's nothing you can do."

"Don't you dare say that. Not to me." Tay patted his back, comforting him the way he did his little niece. He didn't know of any other way. 

New felt safe in his arms. He felt the demons in his brain calming, settling down. Maybe, just maybe, they would let him be this time. His demons were hard to live with, they didn't like other people much, so he kept them hidden. 

But this time, he had spent too much time in close proximity with Tay. They were circling, like birds of prey, fighting to get out and destroy. He needed out of this tiny space, this apartment. He needed space away from Tay Tawan before they destroyed whatever love he had for him.

Tay watched the emotions swirling in his dark eyes and sighed. As much as he pushed for openness between them, New always held back something. He didn't know what. He would never know until he was boldly told. 

Now, he knew with certainty, Newwie was too afraid to tell him. What could be so terrifying to speak it aloud?

Still, from the safety of his arms, he heard New whisper, "Don't let me go, if you love me. Just don't let me go." He held tighter and patted his back, sometimes rubbing in circles until his tears dried and he fell asleep.

That night, although New slept in Tay's arms, he did not sleep peacefully or dreamlessly as he had the nights before. Plagued by his fears, he muttered, and tossed restlessly. Tay worried and tightened his hold around him. 

Whispering, "What the fuck is going on, New? Just talk to me, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I love you." He held him tight against his demons and prayed, falling asleep finally as the morning sun broke.

New awoke, not feeling fresh. He knew, right away, he had one of his bad nights. Thankful, that they were rare here at Tay's, he was still embarrassed it had happened. He thought he knew him well enough by now to know there was no way to escape his million questions of "Why?"

What answers did he have for him? How could he explain the insecurities, the injustices, the fears and the longings that built the man in front of him? That years of having no one to share these feelings with had left him bereft? Ashamed? Insecure? Everything his image was not.

He rolled out of Tay's embrace, for once, he slept on, not telling him to stay in bed and sleep longer. Carefully, without waking him, he gathered his belongings and went to shower. He dressed in the common area and made himself something to eat. 

As he sat on the sofa, drinking his morning cup of coffee, he thought long and deep. How much do I want to stay with Tay? How much can I trust him? 

So lost in thought, he jumped when Tay kissed the top of his head, small drops of water from his recent shower touching his bare neck. 

"Tay! At least dry your hair first!" He quickly drew on his mask, the same way he wore clothes every day. He gave a light smile, which didn't match the look in his eyes.

Narrowing his eyes slightly, it was an Ah ha! moment for Tay! I got you, New. He thought, I don't know what you're hiding, but I know it's big. I will find out what and I will find out why. You're not getting rid of me that easily. Aloud, "Did you eat? I can't believe I slept so long."

"Mmm. I did. Go ahead. Just having coffee now." He lifted his coffee now. 

Tay bent and pressed another kiss to the top of his head. "I'll be back soon. Unless you want to watch me eat?"

New shook his head. "I'm fine here. Go ahead."

Tay sighed. Oh yes, later though, when New wasn't prepared for it. He could already tell that the gates were up. He was up against a master. 

All day, New was on edge. Why wouldn't Tay just ask about the nightmares so he could get it over with? At this rate, he would have them again tonight! They only had two more nights together. What was he to do?

Tay heard New sigh as he flipped the page in the new mystery novel and wanted to laugh. So, was he worried? It didn't really matter, because he was never asking. New had to voluntarily tell him.

Although Tay liked his apartment on the cool side, the day of stress and worry had left Newwie hot and sweaty by bedtime. He finished the novel he borrowed and stretched, catching Tay's eye. "I'm going to shower and go to bed. I'm sleepy."

He gave a gentle smile and nod in response. That scared New even more. What happened to all of this communicate with me, I want to know everything crap? He looked at him and gnawed his bottom lip, as he slowly walked to the bathroom.

Shifting on the sofa, Tay groaned. New really had no clue what that did to him. "Fuck." He threw the mystery  novel down and sighed. He looked calm and collected all day, but it was all acting. He hadn't read a single word for whole chapters. 

Now, he fought himself. Do I join him in the shower or leave him alone? I want him. Is it possible to want too much sex? Having destroyed his phone, he walked to his laptop and turned it on. There wasn't much time to find out. 

He hated feeling like a noob again!

New sighed as he soaped down his body. Never did he imagine that it would feel lonely, taking a shower. It wasn't a far leap, from a shower to the bed. If I'm this lonely in here, how am I going to sleep after Tay's not with me?

His hands dropped, and stilled. He leaned against the wall and began to cry. Everything, all the stress, the nightmares he wouldn't talk about, just everything, came pouring out in deep gasping sobs.