The Trials of Being Loved

Part 12 -No, Orca!

Emotionally exhausted, just too tired to deal with Tay, New did as he was told. He stood and let him escort him back to the bed. Like a stone, he dropped in it and fell asleep. 

It was the first time New slept dressed. When he tried to cuddle with him, he rolled out of Tay's embrace, almost to the edge of the big bed. Tay's heart twitched from sadness. I caused this. I need to fix it.

They had both developed sleeping habits over the past several nights. By the early morning light, New was holding Tay in a light embrace and he had his arm gently draped over his tummy. 

As usual, New woke first. He never was really sure if Tay was awake or not but this... this was more embarrassing than the very, very first time he woke up in his bed. He needed to escape badly.

Mentally kicking himself for ending up in his arms, New rolled his eyes and went for it. He quickly moved out from underneath Tay's arm and ran for the bathroom. 

Tay opened his eyes and rolled on to his back. He hadn't slept well at all, choosing to watch New sleep. His mind wouldn't settle, going round and round, trying to come on a solution. 

He got out of bed slowly, dressed and entered his small kitchen to hear the shower running. At least he hadn't left the apartment. There was a chance for redemption, as long as he stayed. Lost in thought, the door slamming startled him.

"Fuck!" Tay swore. Cooking utensils clattered to the counter. He couldn't concentrate on making breakfast until they talked. He needed to say his piece, or was it peace, to Newwie. He felt like everything was moving in slow motion today as he sat down on one of the stools to wait for him to emerge from the room.

New couldn't believe how much he was shaking by the time he made it to the safety of the bedroom. The way Tay looked at him was down right scary! He'd never seen that expression on his face before, and that in itself was scary. 

Quickly toweling himself dry, he wondered what to wear. Up to now, he'd felt at ease wearing his clothing, but that did nothing for his confidence. He looked at his neat pile of washed clothing he hadn't touched at all. Slowly he stood, with water still dripping from his hair and he picked up the folded clothes. 

He walked to the bed, quickly toweled dried his hair and slipped on his own clothes. Feeling like he had on a suit of armor, he opened the door. Tay met his eyes and looked him over. New wondered what that expression meant but there was no way in hell he'd ever ask, Tay was only into one way communication.

Softly, gently, Tay asked, "Do you want me to take you home?"

"I have to make arrangements for a place to stay. My mother doesn't expect me home for another three nights." Blunt, expressionless, it was just words.

"Do you want to leave?"

"You need me gone. I've overstayed my welcome." New's voice never wavered.

"Did I say that?" Tay could feel the frustration building again. New was doing it again, withdrawing from him. 

"Yes, you did. Last night."

"I don't remember." Tay stood and walked closer to him. New stood his ground. "I would remember, Newwie."

"You left me, Tay. You choose to leave instead of talking. Its the same thing." New closed his eyes briefly against the resurgence of pain. 

"I'm new to this. Can't you accept that it was a mistake and talk to me?" Tay tried to take his hand but New pulled it free. 

"No. If it was reversed, and it has been, did you?" New's pain was beginning to slip through the cracks. "You forced me to talk. You told me to open up, to stop running. What did you do the very first opportunity?"

New blinked a few times, not letting his tears fall. "You're a horrible man, Tay Tawan! Telling me to do something and not taking your own advice!"

"I'm fucking scared, New!" Tay's voice cracked. "I love you, damn it, but I have no idea how you feel. Then you go and do that..." He twisted his hands together to stop the trembling from showing, from reaching for New. "I didn't know it could be a two way street, the pleasure, I mean, until I thought about it."

"Until that moment, until you said you wanted it, all I could think about was how much I wanted to possess you, to see everything you had. It never occurred to me that you'd want the same things. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, New."

"I'm not your fucking possession. I'm not a fucking, living breathing toy. I'm not something you can pick up and play with when you choose!" New's voice was getting louder and louder. "I'm not someone you can sooth with an I love you, in the hopes that I will stay!"

Again, he was being called possessive! He wasn't! Everything he felt burned at New's attack, and it was more than his voice that cracked, it was his hold on his emotions. They flowed out like a bubbling, babbling brook. "You think I've had it easy, watching over  you? Finding out if it was safe, or okay to make a move? What if, what if... what if I kiss you and get punched? What if I do something, anything and chase you away? You always run and hide, New, when things get hard."

Tay took two steps to the sofa, not looking at him anymore. "I meant it, when I said I was scared. I couldn't give a fuck about the fans, or media or any of that. I'm scared of YOU. You can leave me in a heartbeat. You leave people behind once they're no use to you. You keep how you feel inside, behind walls." He buried his head in his hands and rubbed. "At least I know I love you."