It had been more than thirty years from that unfortunate afternoon at my house, but I still remembered everything, vividly, as if they had occured the day before. I had lost my best friend that day. Having already been devoid of love, my life became resemblent of an hollow and empty cannister, which could never be filled again with unappropriate diversions. Even the fame I received from my book seemed worthless. I then realised, I had paid too heavy a price for that.
Resuming my college, I was surrounded my admirers, from students and even from some of the teachers. I became a prodigy to be held up in front of everyone as the prime example of some exceptional talent. I received them all, with fake smiles and half hearted pleasure. I began to make new acquaintances, almost regularly. People I had just known, suddenly seemed to stand out as self employed best friends. But beyond all the hustle that surrounded me, everyone knew the one fact that was ever evident in my presence. No one could ever get close to me. I couldn't let them. Or rather, I would't. There were special places in my life for such intimate positions, and they were already taken. And although vacant, they would never be replaced.
Apart from me, the incidents at my house, took a toll on Kavya as well, who was troubled and could not decipher the meaning of all that was happening between us. She was torn up between me and Sid. In the beginning, she felt the fight was of a trivial nature and believed that things would sort out naturally between us. But as time went by, she began to realise the true nature of the rift that had settled down. She tried, time and again, to bring us together, like before, to get us to talk, or even meet, but to no avail. She could in no right mind acknowledge the fact that the years old friendship that had kept all of together had broken up. The bond had tethered and we were all scattered out in the wilderness of our own lives. But inspite of her failed attempts, she never gave up hope. Instead, as a result of her perseverance, her relationship with Sid, began to get strained. They had fights, which became frequent and then regular. She would call me up after each one, crying out her complaints, and I would remain silent, hearing her sobbing despair all the while sharing empty words of consolation. Her cracked voice would echo in my ears all night long, as I would toss and turn in my bed, trying to suppress the choking feeling of guilt. It is all because of me, the voice in my head would scream. Constant reminders. You are the reason of all their pain. I would wake up in the middle of the night, sweating from an uneasy sleep, just to be smothered by the lonely darkness in my room. As days passed by, my conditions worsened. I was turning into an insomniac. Afraid of my dreams, I avoided sleeping altogether. Ans it began to reflect upon my health. My parents started to get worried but I brushed aside their concerned inquiries and blamed all of it upon my final year carriculum. They urged me to take a break for myself, to go on some holiday with my friends, 'It'd make you fell better' they said. But I declined them all. "It is all right. I'm fine. I'll be fine," I declared with a derivative shrug of shoulder. But within me I knew all along, the truth that had been haunting me for months, I had no friends, I deserved no breaks.
Initially, I had assumed that I was in control of my emotions. I had always been adept at displaying my feelings, and was sure that I knew my bounds and believed in my own capabilities in bringing myself out of the mess of my own creation. But soon I realised, how wrong I was. The sleepless nights, the long study hours, the guilt, the pressure of exams, Kavya's sobbing words, the hordes of fake wannabe wellwishers, Sid's abuses, my own screaming thoughts, I began to loose my sanity amongst them. I realised I was loosing my footing. And it was all of a sudden. To be precise, it was a phone call that I received one night.
It was past midnight, I was sitting on my bed, staring at the white lettered pages in one my notebooks, looking at the winding curves of my written words, in my unfocused mind, I heard the phone ring upon the bedside table. I looked over and saw the bright screen display Kavya's name. It scared me. My heartbeat rose and I looked away immediately. The phone rang shrilly and loundly in the empty room, and the noise hit me hard in the ears. Why wouldn't it stop ringing, I remember asking myself. Why couldn't she stop calling? Why wouldn't anyone leave me alone? I turned out the lights and laid down, a pillow over my head. The phone kept on ringing. I had neither the courage nor the heart to either receive or decline the call, so I let it ring. It would eventually disconnect and then it would ring back again. After several minutes though, it didn't ring back anymore. She had finally given up and I was relieved. I welcomed the darkness willingly that night.
