Endosymbiosis

43. Rumination

"You can get the money another way..." She growled, teeth and fists clenched as if about to attack. "You don't have to sell yourself to this damn rebellion! It is killing soldiers! Destroying innocent lives!"

So I yelled, so loud that the furious waves of the ocean against the slope were less stormy than me:

"The Aulics took MY LIFE! All I want is for them to be destroyed!"

"And for that you would get rid of me?!"

"You wouldn't do it differently!"

Doxy threw her body over me and pinned my forearms against the grass, forming a black curtain around us with her hair. I tried to push her away, but she spilled her toxin over me, painting me with that violet that glowed with each descent of the lightning and paralyzing my body beneath hers. Her knees wrapped around my waist, making me feel her thighs where I wanted them most... But not now! I hated the adrenaline pumping through my body, mistaking anger for other things.

"If you get in my way, I'll turn your life to the hell you talk about so much!" She roared.

"IT ALREADY IS!" We were foaming, between ground, sea and sky, my panting breath mingling with hers in that silence that arose when, exhausted and defeated, we realized that hell was right there, in the universe we hated each other. "All I want is to escape it..."

All the anger on her face melted away. Doxy released my forearms, almost as if they were on fire beneath her touch, and let out a long sigh.

"We have war in your veins, Kadi..." She pressed her lips together for a moment. "We can be so destructive to each other..."

"I don't want this..." I slowly lifted my arm, beginning to break free from the toxin's effect, and brought it to her face. Doxy hesitated for a moment, thinking I was going to squeeze her neck, but when she saw what was in my eyes, she let me softly cup her face with my hand. "I won't hand you over, Doxy... I should, for the revolution... But I won't."

I would let her destroy the entire rebellion and my plans if she wanted to...

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to lose you. And every glimpse I get of it hurts more than anything..." I whispered, my heart pounding in my chest. "You're more important... More important than a revenge that wouldn't change my past, more important than the weights on my conscience... You're the first thing that's really worth it after so, so long..."

She lost her breath, that woman I'd never expected to desire, but who was now more important than anything I'd ever wanted before... Doxy leaned over and pressed her forehead to mine.

"You're important to me too, Kadi... Just like this Empire we want to save." She whispered. So did I reach the feet of the Empire in her eyes at least? I was flattered. "We're going to win this war and destroy the Aulics, Kadi... And if we need the revolution for that, I won't try to sabotage it again..." Doxy promised, probably wondering if she was making a mistake in to deliver Itopis to the arms of the revolution, only to get it out of the Aulics'. "Even if their leaders were responsible for my mother's death..."

I raised an eyebrow.

"But weren't the Aulics to blame?"

"I'm not sure anymore... There are so many secrets and lies..."

"Is that why you thought I murdered her?" She nodded slowly.

"And we still don't know if this is really true or not..."

I stared into the depths of her eyes.

"Want to find out?"

• • • ֍ • • •

That night we walked through Venerna on a mission to discover who was really responsible for the death of Doxy's mother; and who had been at the other end of my shot. We went into one of the rooms carved out of the stone, a kind of storage for junk the rebellion didn't think was important, and found the machine we were looking for: the one that connected brains with thread and needles to read their most secret memories. We armed ourselves to the teeth and silently entered the darkness of the room of that being we were looking for...

But his bed was empty.

"I can smell human blood and weapons from miles away... You didn't really think you'd catch me off guard, did you?" Korrok hissed, emerging from the darkness of the environment with the power of his stature.

"We didn't come to hurt you." I warned.

"Speak for yourself." But Doxy growled, eyes riveted to the vorrampe and her gun pointed at his head. How was I going to stop them from killing each other? This was starting to sound like a bad idea... "I want answers. And I don't mind using force to get them."

"And we won't have to use it if you answer our questions, Korrok." I spoke to the fangs in the vorrampe's face, holding myself back so I wouldn't have to raise my gun.

He sat down in a chair and hissed, breaking into a smile that confirmed to me what a bad idea this was:

"Ask then... I don't keep secrets from my friends."

"I will make sure of that." Doxy held up the memories reader, shattering Korrok's smile. Whatever lie he was planning to tell us, he knew he couldn't anymore. His body squirmed uncomfortably in his chair as Doxy approached, and I gripped my gun tighter in case he tried anything against her. "You had my mother killed?!"

"No."

"If you're lying, we'll find out." I reminded him. "And then I won't be able to stop her from killing you."

"Gaxy was useful." Korrok continued, emphasis on every word. "I asked the metriona to contaminate her, to give her the suggestion to join us, but he had other plans..."

"So the metrona killed her?"

"I never saw the body, but he said that Gaxy was dead; and she disappeared from the Empire... So that's what I believe."

It was the metriona... Not Korrok... Not me...

But it didn't change what I had done.

"Who did I kill then, Korrok?" I asked, hating all the pain that came out in my voice. Korrok sent me a look that hurt me for being so much more understanding than I expected; and more than I deserved.

"Gaxy's secretary. To send her a message."

A message...

I sighed. No weight had been lifted from my shoulders, no forgiveness to be found miles away, nothing to justify my actions and redeem my mistakes... Knowing that answer had no bearing on my past; nor on how I felt about it.

A message...

The worst choice I had ever made in my life, an eternal guilt, the greatest of all those weights that curved my shoulders... Only to send the message that worse things were to come.

I got that message pretty well.

"Was he innocent?" I whispered, dropping my eyes to those damn hands I carried. Korrok studied me, probably feeling that smell of tragedy that always indicated I'd arrived in the room. I was a reminder that death was near and that it was too easy to reach, after all the times it passed me and soaked into my skin.

"Nobody is in times of war."

Doxy pierced the back of the vorrampe's head with the machine needle and prepared to connect to the other end. But then Korrok grabbed her arm tightly, and I put him in the crosshairs of my gun.

"Take the memory of that conversation from me, if you don't want metriona to find out later. Because if he does, he'll show us that there are far worse things than death."

Doxy nodded slowly and silenced Korrok by flying into his mind, squirming more and more as she faced those memories of the vorrampe. As soon as she could, Doxy pulled away from him and hid the reader in her pocket.

"It was all true." She whispered to me with her eyes filled with tears.

Doxy then ran and disappeared through the underground city, leaving me with a confused vorrampe and the weights strapped to my ankles that pulled me deeper and deeper...

I was drowning...

I had always been drowning.