Heaven Knows

Fifty Five

"I'll be back."

"I believe you." My stomach does another growl and Tyler laughs at an abrupt kick she gives him. He jumps at one that makes me giggle and says, "I want to stay here forever. We have to come up with a name for this little horse lady."

She does a kick that makes me wince and I say, "We'll think of it after the surgery. For now, concentrate on relaxing." I gently rub his shoulder and smile.

Tyler returns my smile and looks down at my belly that's gotten quiet now. She knows it's time to let go for now. Tyler gives my belly a few last sweet rubs that make her wiggle a bit. But with one last, "I love you," from her daddy, she falls still.

"Everything will be alright," I say. "God knows how much I need you."

"Heaven knows."

That's the last thing he says to me as I watch them prep him for surgery. I blow kisses at him and he only takes last looks at me before disappearing behind those metal doors.

I stand there. Trying hard to breathe. Grace appears with her usual warm smile and says, "Want me to take you to the waiting room?" As I fight back tears, I give her a nod. 

My heart melts when I see my mom in that white room. It's not so cold anymore as she gives me her warm smile.

"Sweetie..."

"Mom..." My lips quiver and she rubs her hand on my back. God. I love her comfort so much.

She gently pulls away and says, "He was okay?" I nod and she smiles. "I can't wait to meet him. Well, if it's okay with you—"

I wave her words away. "It's okay, Mom. I need you here. My family needs you now more than ever."

"I'm not going anywhere. I've always been here." She pinches my cheek like she used to when I was five. A small laugh bubbles up in my chest and I let out a breath. This weight isn't so heavy anymore. I can breathe at last.

"Your brother and your friend are in the cafeteria getting some coffee."

"Which friend?"

"The tall one with puffy hair?"

"Ah. Gail. She's always been such a wonderful friend."

"Do you want to join them or do you want to go home?"

I run a hand on my quiet belly. I know she isn't scared or sad like those other times she's been quiet. We are hanging to our last hope. He hasn't failed us yet...

"I actually want to get something to eat."

"Then why don't we just go home? The doctor said it would take about six hours to get both tumors out. That way you can rest up for when you have to come back."

I nod at her plan. She's always been really good with logical ideas. But as I step into the elevator, Mr. Blue stops at the sight of me as he steps out.

"Oh," he says. "He's in surgery?" I nod and his eyes grow sad. "Oh okay...I...I wanted to say something to him before—"

"And you will," I say with a warm smile. "God knows how much we want him back. He will fight for us."

His eyes seem to shine with hope but confusion as well. I was once like him but I know he will understand soon.

Mr. Blue gives me a sad smile and nods. I take my mom's arm and say, "Mom. This is Mr. Blue. Tyler's dad."

"Oh," she says as Mr. Blue gives her a firm handshake. "It's a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Blue."

"Likewise," he says with a small smile. "It looks like I'll head to my place."

"Mr. Blue, if you'd like you can stay at my place," I say.

"No no," he shyly says. "I want you to rest up. By the way, that little girl is soon to come I see!" He points at my belly and I nod with a wide smile.

"Yes. Tyler and I are very excited to meet her. Are you sure you don't want to come? We might make some pizzas!"

Mr. Blue does a small chuckle. "No, thank you, dear. Have fun with your mom. Ma'am. It was a pleasure meeting you. My wife would have loved meeting you."

"I'm sorry for your lose, sir," Mom gently says. I told her about Tyler and his father. We still have a lot to catch up on.

Mr. Blue gives us both one last respectful nod before walking away. Mom then takes my arm and playfully says, "I take these ladies want some pizza tonight?"

"Yes!" I say as we enter the elevator. "With lots of veggies and ham."

I have distractions as Mom gives me her amazing food. My brother making me laugh. The satisfying feeling of resting my head on a pillow without tears. But my mind reminds me of Tyler every moment in between. My heart still shivers. So every time it did, I would read His promises. I've highlighted my favorite ones so far but I have so much to read.

Once again, God isn't too far away every time I look for His comfort.

Even Gail comes by with a small bag of snacks and her wide smile. Tyler is right. God is good. The church people keep in touch with my mother and I. The pastor calls me to check on me. My heart melts every time someone calls me.

It's amazing how I changed from being completely alone to having my world complete. All I had to do was look up...

For now, I lay in bed for a bit. My back is killing me with such a heavy belly. Anna came by to drop off some of my notebooks from my office to help me get distracted. I smiled when I saw her belly getting bigger every time I see her. I was also able to congratulate her for the gender reveal I forgot to go to. She's having a boy.

My eyes are closed but my mind is wide awake as I pray. I remember all those prayers Tyler would do in my ear at night. God...I miss him so much. Please fight harder.

I fight against scary thoughts of how our lives will look like without him. What other job I could do if he were gone.

But my mom interrupts these dangerous thoughts as she gently touches my shoulder. "Honey? I just got a call from the hospital."

I open my eyes to see her pretty smile. Bright and loving that always makes my heart melt. This time tears slowly fall out as I hear her say, "They said everything went so well. He's going to be okay."

I let out a sigh of relief and smile. My hand holds my quiet belly, but she slowly starts to move as happiness overwhelms my heart.

Thank you.