Heaven Knows

Forty Nine

I refused to leave the cold room. Gail insisted on taking me home but I can't. I need to see him.

They take me to him and it rips my heart. He's so weak. It hurts my every sense. It makes my blood boil and I have to step out of the hospital to cool down.

He hasn't woken up and if he does, it's to complain of pain. My heart breaks every time and I can't seem to catch its pieces.

I tiredly run a hand down my face and see Gail walking into his room. I give her a weak smile and look back at Tyler. He's still weakly sleeping and I'm barely holding on.

Gail sits by me and puts an arm around my shoulders. Her warmth makes my lips quiver and I slowly lay my head on her shoulder as she kisses my head.

"Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, honey."

I sniffle as I hold in a sob and wipe away quiet tears. Her eyes find my quiet belly. She's been so still; it almost feels like she's mourning, too.

Gail puts a hand on my belly that seems to wake her up. She gives her a strong kick and this makes a small cry escape my lips. Gail holds me tighter and softly says, "Honey. Why don't you go home? You've been here almost a whole day and a half. Have you eaten? Remember that you're not alone anymore."

My little bird seems to kick in agreement and my stomach softly growls. I take a deep breath and nod. "Yeah. I need to get something to eat."

"How about you tell me what you want and I'll bring it for you here? My treat."

"No, Gail. You've done so much—"

"It's not enough for what you're going through. Tell me. What are you craving?"

I shrug and sigh. "I'm not sure." My shoulders fall and I feel as weak as Tyler is now.

Gail lifts my chin with her finger and gives me a soft smile. "How about some comfort food? Soup? Waffles and chicken? Mac n' cheese?"

I nod with a weak smile. "Tomato soup sounds good. Maybe with a small bowl of Mac n' cheese."

"I'm glad your appetite is back," she happily says. "That little lady still needs her meals. Stay strong for her, mama."

She gives my shoulder a squeeze that makes me feel a bit better. I watch her leave with a small wink and I miss her the moment she disappears.

I lean back in my small cushioned chair and my muscles start to ache. My back barely has any strength and my stomach growls even louder. I hold my head as it throbs and my heart longs for warmth again.

My mind brings my brother. I wish I had his strong arms to replace Tyler's. I wish he were here, but I'm afraid. He can break my heart just as he did so many years ago when he shut the front door in my face.

Just as God did to me now...

I don't understand why I'm not angry at God. I should be but I'm just sad. My heart shivers every time my mind brings Him up.

He's betrayed me again...

Gail comes with my food and it actually does comfort me a bit. I give her a thankful smile with a full stomach and she kisses my forehead. I see my mother in her and that threatens to make me sob.

Then I decide to look for a distraction. I decide to go home, take a long shower, and then go to work.

But as I get ready, I see Marissa's text telling me to stay home and it makes my blood boil. I call her and angrily ask why. She talks to me like I'm a child and it sets my anger on fire.

So I hang her up as something within me breaks. I angrily throw my phone and shove off everything that's on my desk with an angry grunt.

Angry tears finally come out as I kick things around. My baby turns stiff from doing small jabs and it makes me stop. I watch the last kick I made hit Tyler's guitar and I gasp.

I quickly take a hold of it and see that nothing has broken. I sniffle as I slowly sit on the small couch by my desk and a sob starts up my throat. I hold his guitar close. It might be the last thing I have of him. Or it might be the last thing he has of making me fly with music.

My heart continues to shrink and I can't even concentrate on the silence in my belly. I can't hold on anymore as I let his guitar fall.

My vision is so blurry from tears that I can barely see anything. It blinds me from the world around me except for a book on the floor.

My chest heaves with sobs as I wipe my tears away to look at another piece of my cowboy.

His Bible.

With shaky hands, I take it and open it to the part where he's left marked.

Jeremiah 29:11 is highlighted. It's what he last read and I'm left silent.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A future? Hope? These words make my eyes water. How, if you keep leaving me? How can I trust you if you are so silent? Where can I find you? Your plans. Why are they so difficult to hold onto?

I let out a shaky breath and look up. The roof seems so gray from here. I can't see the skies. I can't find my escape.

So I walk out and let my legs numbly find my escape. I think that I'm running away like the coward I am, but I realize that I'm running to church.

I'm running to Him despite His betrayal. I've got nothing else. I don't know where else to go or whom to go to...

So I sit at our spot but this time I'm all alone. The pastor is at the end of the sermon. I can tell. But I still stay seated as the music starts.

The melody makes my heart break as I'm reminded of all those times Tyler would smile every time they start worship in church. My little bird also seems to slowly move around and guilt comes at me.

A sob starts in my throat at the words, at the woman singing these lyrics meant for me. It's like she knew the melody of my heart.

Then I realize it as I observe her bald head. I realize that God has known this melody all along. He's reached me and found me.

This realization hurts so much that it makes me sob even more and I feel soft hands starting to land on my back. The first person I see in my tears is Anna. She wraps an arm around me and lays her head on mine. People start to whisper prayers near me and I've never felt so warm before.

The only thing I can whisper among my sobs is, "Thank you...Thank you..."

Thank you for listening. Thank you for never leaving. You've always been there and my anger never let me see your love through Tyler.

He is my hope. So keep him alive. Please...That's all I'm asking for your plans. Rescue him.

Rescue me.