Failure

I'm a failure...I failed my father and my brothers. We had been gravely injured in a fight with the shredder and Karai.

We had ventured off to April's farmhouse to rest after the battle with shredder. The shredder was no more. But I still couldn't help but blame myself...my brothers were injured as well as my father and it was all my fault I couldn't protect them.

I sighed sadly and put a hand on my shell. It was now cracked thanks to  Karai. She had stabbed me in the plastron and it went through my shell...I'm not sure how I survived but I did.

My dark thoughts keep me up at night along with my nightmares so I hardly get rest. I barley speak a word to my family because I'm afraid that if I open my mouth I'll tell them everything that's going on but I don't want them to worry about me so I keep silent.

"You are worthless Leonardo you couldn't even protect your family!"

"Some leader you are allowing your family to get badly injured!"

"You aren't deserving of being a leader! A leader is supposed to protect not put the ones you love in danger!"

My mind began swirling with these negative thoughts. I tried to tune them out but they just kept coming.

"Failure!"

"Lame-O-nardo!"

"Useless!"

"You are nothing!"

I closed my eyes as I felt tears well in my eyes I was able to hold back my tears I couldn't risk being caught crying.

My mind is like a battle field constantly running with negative thoughts. I can't control them they come and go they just won't go away.

I feel so much pain. So much guilt and sadness so much self blame. If I'm being honest I'm angry. Angry at myself. For what the Shredder has done to my family. If only I had not gotten stabbed than maybe my family would be safe and unharmed.

I shouldn't have let a small injury keep me down but I was useless and allowed a stupid injury to keep me from protecting my brothers and father.

I growled under my breath and punched the wall. My knuckles started bleeding I winched in pain but didn't bother to fix my bleeding hand.

"Why do I have to be so useless?!" I said aloud.

"Why couldn't I have protected them?!"  I yelled angry at myself.

I started breathing heavy and looked down at my bleeding hand my eyes widened.

Suddenly everything turned white and I saw the shredder harming my brothers there was so much blood. "NO!" I yelled trying to protect them but I couldn't move it's like I was glued into one place. Suddenly everything turned white again.

I blinked and realized I was just in my bedroom. I wasn't sure why I kept having flashbacks to that night.

I felt my hands shaking in fact my whole body was shaking. I could feel my breathing getting heavier and I felt like I couldn't breath. My throat was tight and my chest hurt.

I heard the door open but didn't pay any attention to it. "Leo? Leo! Guys! Something's wrong with Leo! Donnie get in here!" I heard Mikey say.

then I heard running footsteps and saw a red bandanna in front of my face. "Leo! What's wrong with him Don why is his hand bleeding?!" Raphael yelled grabbing me by the shoulder.

I couldn't comprehend what was going on my mind was hazy and I couldn't focus. My breathing was quick and my throat was tightening.

"He's having a panic attack! We need to get him to breath normally!" Donnie said with a panicked voice while fixing Leo's wounded hand.

"Leo look at me!" Raphael said and I obliged and looked him directly in the eyes. "Breath with me ok buddy?" Raph said holding onto both my shoulders.

After following Raphael's breathing I was able to breath normally. I felt someone pull me into a hug and I buried my head into their shoulder and started to cry quietly so my brothers couldn't hear me.

"Dudes is Leo ok?" Michelangelo asked worried about his eldest brother.

"Yes Mikey, Leo is fine he just had a panic attack is all." Donnie said putting away his first aid kit and walking towards his baby brother and placing a hand on Mikey's shoulder and patting it lightly.

"Will these happen often don?" Raph asked concerned for his big brother who was shaking and crying in his arms.

"I'm afraid so, panic attacks are usually caused by traumatic events which in our case would be the shredder." Donnie said frowning slightly.

I had heard Donatello saying. "Is that why I felt like I couldn't breath?" I asked quietly looking up at Donnie.

"Ah! So fearless speaks!" Raphael said smiling slightly

I ignored his sarcasm and waited for Donnie to answer my question.

"To answer you're question Leo the answer would be yes. Panic attacks cause a fast heartbeat, irregular breathing, feeling like you can't breath, and chest pain. And it can also cause dizziness, a tingling sensation and- Donnie said describing the symptoms of a panic attack before being cut off by groaning.

"Ok Donnie we get it geez! You don't have to give us the whole google symptoms of a panic attack D! My brain hurts!" Michelangelo complained rubbing his forehead.

"I didn't look them up on google Mikey! I read about this in a book!" Donatello said slightly agitated.

I rolled my eyes smiling slightly. "Can it knuckle head before I smack ya upside the head!" Raphael yelled at Mikey and he immediately stopped complaining.

I sighed feeling happy for the first time in awhile. I then knew I could trust my brothers and tell them everything that's been going on this past week.

I pulled myself away from Raph's arms and stood up. "Leo? Where ya goin bro?" Raph asked.

I turned around to face  my brothers. "I think I'm ready to tell you all what's been bothering me." I said

I began to explain the pain I'd felt and the guilt I felt and the shame I felt. I told my brothers everything that was going on. Once I was finished Mikey was the first to react he ran up to me and hugged me tight.

"We don't blame you dude! It wasn't you're fault we got hurt it was shredder's fault! So stop blaming yourself you don't have to feel guilty dude!" Michelangelo said and I hugged him back.

I looked at Raph who looked mad "why would Ya blame yourself fearless?! It wasn't ya fault it was Karai's she's the one who hurt ya! I don't blame you for my injuries I blame Shredder! It was his doing not yours Leo! If ya ever blame yourself again I'll smack you upside the head!" Raphael said and reluctantly joined the hug.

Donatello joined the group hug as well.
"it's not your fault Leo! Please don't blame yourself you know we love you bro!" Donnie said hugging me.

I smiled as I started crying slightly I was thankful to have such amazing little brothers who loved and cared about me.

"Thanks bros I really needed to hear that. I love you guys too." I said hugging my brothers close to me

I realized then that I didn't have to hold back how I felt I knew my little brothers would always be there to help me I knew that I could get through this with my brothers by my side.