todokami - tired

.6.

denkis pov

it was now thursday. 4pm, an hour after school ended. todoroki hadn't shown up to classes today and i was getting more and more scared. he had been on my mind all day. the words he said, 'i'm done with you', had been playing on repeat for me for days. i hated the situation. so so much.

he hadn't been answering my texts or calls for ages so i finally decided to just go to his room even though i knew he probably wouldn't want me to.

i didn't like it but i didn't knock because he might not let me in. so i just opened up the door, which made him jump a bit and then wince in pain. it took me a minute to realise it but he had been cutting himself and there was so much blood, surely he'd cut a fucking vein, or veins-

''what are you doing here!? get out!'' it was the first time i had heard him properly yell. he was scared too. i shut the door behind me as i went into his room and knelt next to him, then rushing to his bathroom for tissues when i saw that there was a razor blade lodged in his arm, really deep. i tried not to panic too much as i wetted to tissues and got a towel aswell. i sat next to todoroki on the ground and placed his injured arm onto my thigh, trying to control my breathing as he winced in pain.

''fuck! what the hell why would you fucking- you could have fucking died!'' i yelled, not too loud to alert others.

''yeah, well thats the plan anyway. so just-'' he squeezed his eys shut and grinded his teeth together slightly as i tried to get he razor out. i finally got it out but the blood just kept pouring everywhere, oozing down his arm.

after a short while of me trying to clean the wound, todoroki went paler than normal and rested his head on my shoulder, watching me try to clean the blood and then use the towel to apply enough pressure to stop the bleeding.

it's too fucking early, im too fucking young to have to be doing this, he's too young to be doing this.

''fuck, no. no no no..'' i pressed harder against the wound but it was barely helping.

''kami..nari..'' i heard a soft voice next to my ear, just above a whisper, ''don't go just yet..''

i had tears in my eyes, running down my cheeks and falling onto his skin. ''i'm not going anywhere. you're not going anywhere so stop it.''

my hands were shaking and my heart was beating too fast. my breathing was out of control and i just...i just felt so fucking miserable in that moment. it felt like the world was ending.

reality crushed into me all at once. my friend could die. he could fucking die in my arms. i let out a quiet sob as i tried pushing harder against the towel.

''kaminari..'' his voice was so slow, as if it was fading.

''what?'' i sounded anxious.

''i lied the other day..you are my friend.'' he sounded like he was trying to cath his breath, ''calm down, it's okay.''

''it's not okay! how can you say this is fucking okay, todoroki?! i don't want you to fucking die! i have your fucking blood on my hands! you are literally dying, i'm scared!''

tears rushed down my face to the point where there felt like there was a massive lump in my throat and i couldn't see.

he didn't say anything in return but i felt him crying softly onto my shirt. i removed the towel to see if the bleeding had stopped but it hadnt so i quickly put it back on his arm, pressing down. if he survives, he'll need stitches. but i'm not able to get him to recovery girl til the bleeding stops and until then, im fucking stuck.

a few minutes passed. ''todoroki?'' i asked, shaking him with my shoulder a bit. he didnt answer so i got even more terrified.

''todoroki!'' i tried again and again but it was no use.

he started feeling heavy against me and my heart dropped. i let go of his wound and layed him down on the floor to check his pulse. it was incredibly faint but at least it was there. i put my hand over his heart, it was beating so slowly and he was barely breathing..

''no, no, no, todoroki!'' i yelled at him, shaking him by the shoulders. my tears fell onto his frozen face. ''please!'' i practically screamed at him, crying furiously.

i then proceeded to try give him cpr. placing my hands on the centre of his chest, i started the procedure.  when it came to it, i didn't think, i just held his nose whilst breathing into his mouth twice and then did the chest compressions again. after repeating this a few times i realised he still wasn't breathing. i kept whispering to him to wake up and to come back whilst i was crying hysterically. i moved back away from him, terrified because he was actually dead now and i couldnt handle it.

''help!'' i screamed out, ''help, please!''

no one answered and it was like i was completely alone. i raised my hands up to my face, covering myself with todorokis blood accidently. i started having a full blown panic attack. i crawled back over to todoroki, shaking him to try and help but it was no use. he looked so peacful though.

it was a horrible time to realize it, but he was beautiful. i reached out to touch his face and sure enough, his skin was soft and smooth. i traced his face with my fingers to calm myself down. i tried to convince myself he was just sleeping as if i was a four year old and even though i knew better, i really, really, wanted to believe it. i cried as i lifted him up a bit and sat behind him, hugging him from behind. his lifeless body was heavy on mine as i tried to control my breathing and calm myself down. but all of a sudden, my thoughts were overcome with memories of him and also him and i, together. he was so admirable, smart, amazing, beautiful, so loved and so caring. how could something like this happen? how could i have been so blind for so long?

again i tried calling out for help but no one came. the amount of pain that was surging through me was almost unimaginable. i just wanted him back. i just wanted him alive.

the blood from his arm was still pouring out as i reached down to his other hand to hold it. i intertwined our fingers and let more tears fall down my face and onto the back of his hair. what if i forget him? his face, his voice? what if i can't remember the times we spent together?

fuck..i give up. but at least i had this moment with him now. as morbid as it sounds, i took my phone out with my free hand and went on the camera app to take a photo of us together. this would be the first and last photo i would have ever taken of him or even had in my phone of us. i took three pictures and in all of then i was crying and he was staring into the corner. i hated it. it felt so dead and it only made me cry more so i shut his eyes and mine and took another photo before turning my phone off and throwing it onto his bed.

i just didnt want to forget him. thats all.

as time passed, i didnt want to let go of him so i ended up falling asleep, leaning on the bed behind us, hugging him and holding his hand. i swear i could hear his voice for a minute as i was fading in and out of sleep.

''it's okay, you're okay.''

..................................................................................................
(its not finished dont worry, i have a sad plan eheh, but i cried a bit whilst making it)