Heaven Knows

Forty Six

I open my eyes at this and furrow my brows. Though he keeps a calm composure as he says, "We know what one grandpa will be like. What about the other? Or is he..."

Tyler carefully asks the last part and I gently shake my head. "I don't know if he's alive. I haven't seen him in fifteen years."

Tyler's eyes grow wide and he realizes the part I've been hiding for so long. But I'm not angry anymore. I don't hide away. What else can I do? My heart has been through so much heartbreak, that it feels almost numb when it's about my father.

Tyler's eyes show his mind in dilemma on whether he should ask more. I scoff at this and say, "You can ask questions. Maybe this will put us back to sleep."

"Are you sure?" I give him a nod as I stretch a bit and put my hand by his on my belly. This might be a long conversation.

"What happened?" is the only thing he softly says.

I remember it like it was yesterday. In fact, he left on Christmas Eve.

I let out a soft sigh and say, "I loved my dad for the first five years of my life. He was like my hero. He was...everything. Until he forgot me...my mom...my brother."

"Brother? I thought you didn't have any siblings."

"I have a brother. An older brother. I haven't heard of him since the day I...he left."

Tyler's eyes shine as his mind tries to connect all the pieces. My fingers find his and I intertwine them together for strength. My mind recreates those nights. So many nights...

"My dad got lost in alcohol and he forgot who we were. He forgot that he was my hero. He soon became the villain as he hit us. Yelled at us. Let alcohol say words that were a blindfold at first until they became the truth. Until he left.

"Dad was...gone. I saw him leave. He had a beer in one hand and a suitcase in the other. My mother was so angry. My brother begged him to stay and then angrily ran out after his car until his feet could not keep up to speed. And all I did was realize that...God was never there. He didn't stop my dad from leaving so I...stopped believing in Him..."

My heart falls at this dark memory. A memory I've shoved away so deep, it feels almost unfamiliar. Tyler's eyes carry small tears in them and I smile at his sympathy. I give his nose a kiss and say, "But it's okay. I have a new family now."

"What about your mom? Your brother? What happened after that? If it's...okay with—"

"It's okay. Our little lady is still doing her dance recitals so I shall continue."

We share a chuckle as the atmosphere lightens up a bit. It helps me continue as I say, "It only got worse after that. Mom never really escaped her sorrow and she just dunk deep in it. My brother graduated high school and that was the last year she was okay. That was the last year I saw him or heard of him."

"You haven't talked to him since?"

I shake my head. "I just remember him being so angry all the time. We used to be so close but when Dad left, he always pushed me aside. He was the closest I had to Dad being home and he also left me."

I shrug as I fight back tears and say, "Then it was me and Mom, but it soon turned into just me. Mom slowly drowned in her sorrow and also started to lean on alcohol. I was afraid of another three years of torture like I had with my father, so I graduated and left. I haven't talked to my mother since."

Except she's found me again. I blocked her number on all the lines but deep down, I wish I can see her again. See those sad eyes one more time...

Tyler's hand moves away from her soft kicks and lands on my shoulder. He brings me closer as quiet tears slowly fall down his cheek.

"I...understand it all now..."

I furrow my brows at him. "What do you mean?"

"I understand why you were so firm with me. I understand why you stay away from God. I messed it up for you even more and I'm sorry."

"What matters is that you're here now."

But it's the truth. All those dark nights with Tyler was like looking up at my drunk father.

Tyler's eyes close as he gently puts his forehead on mine. "I promise...I'll never leave. I'll fight even harder for you. For our baby. I promise to be better every day."

"You are enough—"

"It isn't enough for what you deserve. But I promise I won't break your heart. I promise."

My tears slowly come out now as I whisper, "Then why did God break my heart again? Why did your god give you this sickness? Why is it so hard again?"

My lips start to quiver and his eyes soften. He lays a sad kiss on my lips and warmly whispers, "I don't know, but at least He's kept me here. I trust that He knows what He's doing. But I can't do it without you. Help me." His eyes shine as he quietly says, "Have faith in me. You're not alone anymore and I won't let you run away anymore because I'm here."

Our baby falls quiet. Almost as if waiting along with her father what my heart says. Despite its brokenness, His warmth once again envelops me and it brings me to whisper, "Okay. I guess I can try..."