Walk With Me

21. Let Your Hair Down

My thoughts that whole damn day leading up to my date with Paul were on Tommy. From getting ready to driving to the restaurant to the very color of Paul's shirt. Everything circled back to him. I should have pieced it together a lot sooner. I think I knew. I knew exactly why I couldn't seem to get him out of my head, I still do. I'm just terrified of what it actually means. The way I've been leaning on him, the way he understands me, the feeling I get when his hand finds mine, those aren't just feelings of lust. It's not just an attraction that can be settled in one passionate night. What I'm developing with him is so much deeper. And that's the part that has me hesitating, has me stuck moving slow.

If I let myself fully go there with him, then I'm opening a door I can't close. It means making my heart vulnerable again. The last time I did that, it was trampled on, spun in a blender, and spit out on the pavement. Through everything with Vince, my heart actually got out the easiest. It's my head that's still mending the damage. Still trying to sort through newfound insecurities and fears that seem to have taken root deep in my mind. Those are the things that need healing the most. The very things that keep preventing me from falling again. And that's what it would be with Tommy. Falling.

God, I want to let myself fall so damn hard when it comes to him. I just don't know if I can.

After tucking Mia into bed and double checking that my mom is still good with me taking off for a couple hours, I make my way to Lacy's place. I still haven't had a chance to talk to her about her little set up the other night. I know she's quite proud of herself with the way she managed to end my night for me. If I'm being honest, I'm thankful for her scheme.

Trina is coming over tonight as well. I have a whole other kind of thank you to offer her for the first half of that night. I can't be completely upset with her. I mean, the date was truly awful, but it's that horrendous date that spurred the impromptu movie night that I actually enjoyed.

As I pull up to Lacy's, I sit in the driveway for just another brief moment. I know Lacy is going to pick my brain about this. I know she's going to wonder why I can't just take a leap and give it a try. I don't fully have an answer for her. Being scared isn't a good enough excuse. And after the other night, Tommy made it pretty clear that he's in. That his feelings have traveled past that line of friendship. So what do I do now? Do I proceed slowly, keeping one foot in the friendzone while I navigate the waters of feelings? Do I pull back and make sure we stay in that friendzone even though every other part of me is fighting to get out of it?

That's why I need this girls' night. I need to get out of my damn head and just have a little fun. Some laughs over the ridiculous persona that is Paul Jones and the epic failure of that encounter. To hear about the laughs of motherhood from Trina and the struggles and bliss of early love with Lacy. I just want a carefree night where I don't have to think about the complexities of my love life.

I take a deep breath before stepping out of my car and making my way up to the door. I hear another car pulling in and stop to see Trina stepping out. As she approaches, the door opens, bringing my attention back behind me to see Trevor stepping out.

"Hey," he says, taking a step forward to give me a quick hug.

"You headed out?" I ask as Trina springs up to my side.

My brother's eyes glance to hers before raising at me. "Hey, Trina, long time," he says, giving her a small smile.

"Shit, Trevor?" she asks, clearly giving him a once over. Lovely.

"Yep," he answers shortly.

"Well didn't you grow up nice," she smirks and I can't help but roll my eyes, giving her a nudge with my elbow.