Heaven Knows

Forty Five

So I visited Tyler during his chemo session one day. He was quietly watching something on the TV when I walked in. His eyes brightened and his smile grew at my arrival.

He playfully lifted up his hands in surrender and said, "Did you eat first? I don't want you getting feisty on me!"

I laughed and gave him a sweet kiss. His hand rubbed my belly as I sat by his side; making her jump with happiness.

"Don't worry. She doesn't let me skip lunch. But I see Daddy hasn't finished his food." I eyed his tray and Tyler raised his brows at me.

"You want some?"

"No. It's for you. Why aren't you eating? You don't like their food?"

His eyes turned sad as he softly said, "It's difficult to swallow down food during chemo..."

"I know, honey." I took his hand and warmly held it. "But you have to stay strong. Remember? I need you to be okay..."

His eyes softened at my words and he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. "You know. I think my baby is also making me hungry. Pass over the tray."

I laughed at his tease and moved the small table in front of him. "Careful now. Don't wake up my stomach just yet that I have something important to tell you."

His eyes went wide. "You got promoted as boss?!"

"What?!" I laughed loudly and gave him a small push. "What is up with you today? You're so silly."

"The best medicine is always a smile. Ah. And..." He gestured up at the roof and I knew he was talking about God. So far, I've let Him guide me a bit. He's shown me His good side.

Tyler looked back at me and gently said, "So what is it that you wanted to tell me?"

I hesitated. I didn't know how he would react but I still told him the conversation I had with his father. His eyes had a mixture of anger and sadness as I told him my story.

He then stayed quiet for a moment until he abruptly said, "No."

"No?"

"No. He's only doing that because he thinks I'm useless. I won't accept his pity money!"

I let out a small sigh and looked deep into his brown eyes. "Listen. The only reason he's angry at you was because you decided not to tell him the truth."

"I can't. He's had enough with my mother. I won't give him another heartbreak. I've done enough anyways..."

"Baby." This time I did not hesitate for his sad eyes as I said, "We need the money. I'm falling behind and you haven't been working very much. Which I understand! I prefer—"

"What is it? Which bills?"

I clenched my jaw and let my eyes fall. "Everything..."

His eyes turned sadder as I said this. He clenched his jaw but I could see the dilemma his mind was giving him. His eyes then fell on my belly. His hand ran over it until it stopped and she gave him one of her light kicks. He smiled and his eyes shined once again.

"She finally let me feel her."

"Yeah..." I put a hand on his and felt how she did her silly twists and turns.

Tyler then did a soft sigh and said, "Okay. For our little partner. Hm?" His thumb sweetly rubbed my belly and I gave him a warm smile.

"Thank you."

"We can do this," he said.

So I called Mr. Blue and accepted. Only days later, I received his check and was able to let out a breath. It's funny how...Tyler's god keeps coming around in my fuzzy mind. He reminds me that He's there.

Maybe...just maybe He's there. He's always known that He'd make my baby girl jump and dance like she does now as I watch Tyler sing in church along with another man.

I close my eyes at the sound of this song. It threatens to bring tears to my eyes at the lyrics. It's like God is telling me, us, that we'll be alright.

He touches the part of my heart that has been shivering ever since Tyler got sick. He knows that I'm afraid of losing him.

But then I feel this warmth envelop me as if it were Tyler embracing me. No. This embrace is stronger. Powerful.

It's enough to lock eyes with Tyler on that small stage. He gives me his warm smile and my heart lets go.

Okay. I'll let you stay. I want to join my husband on this new journey with you. I'll sit back and watch.

But please...don't break my heart again.