Derek ⚣ ✓

1. Now This Is A Story All About How My Life Got Flipped Turned Upside Down

That I will take some accountability for. We were a bit of a mess that night.

I should've probably smoked a bit before taking her out there, and Tina should've laid off the shots at the bar, but shit happens. It started with us having a pretty waitress, then it was all downhill from there.

Tina made some sly remark about my history of cheating, and I told her to fuck off respectfully because within those six months of us seeing each other, I surprisingly didn't even bat an eyelash at another woman.

Hence why I think Tina really was the one that got away.

After telling this slightly- nah, pretty drunk woman to drop the subject and let us enjoy this very nice, very expensive six month anniversary dinner, things just spiraled further.

One minute, she was calling me a cheater, the next, all of The Gardens now knew I was one "good for nothing stoner" with no direction, or sense of security in my life.

The events that transpired after that, included actions I'm man enough to admit I'm not proud of.

I believe I hurled some of my tomato based linguini pasta at her $2500 white Chanel dress right after her little outburst.

I only knew this much information about that damn dress because she screamed it at the top of her lungs while security dragged us the hell out of there, then proceeded to send me an invoice for the dress two months later.

I know my actions weren't the greatest, but she, too, made some wild decisions. She managed to get her remaining Pinot noir wine all over my white button down right before security yanked her back. Was this Target dress shirt anywhere near as expensive as what she was wearing?

No.

Was it of equal value?

Absofuckinglutely. Plus tomato sauce is nowhere near the same staining level as red wine. This was why I ignored her bullshit invoice she sent, and sent her one for my shirt that still has that fucking drink stain on it.

Anyways, I'm getting ahead of myself here. The night ended with us being escorted off the premises, and me specifically being told I could never return here. Tina didn't make the ban list because Tina had no priors with the staff. I, on the other hand, had history there.

And this was why I needed to purchase a disguise to get in. I'd say it worked out pretty well up until it came time for me to wed arguably my most favorite people in the world, besides Joan of course.

When I got up to the alter, I knew my time would be limited. I could feel the fake mustache pulling on more of my peach fuzz as it inevitably started to peel off, and when I made eye contact with that absolute bitch of a manager and her security, operation Get Out was a go.

Many years of track and field had trained me for the heroic sprint I did off that stage before zooming out the door, and I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for the meddling sea of cops that confronted me at the front gates.

So one hour later and here I am, chilling in a jail cell next to one guy that smells like farts, and another who hasn't taken his eyes off me since I sat down on this disgusting bench. All I can do is keep a mean muggin face on and pray that the six foot something giant is terrified of all five foot eight of me.

I always was a little terrified of being taken advantage of in jail, but a large part of myself was quite confident that Christian and Alex would show up to bail me out. I mean, how could they not? I was the one who married them when that jackass of a Father wouldn't. One could say I became the step-Father, but I'd like to think I was the Father that stepped up.