Stay (Boy × Boy) ✔

CHAPTER 15

Now, as many times before, Aydan brushed his hand on the wooden surface. He took his time before opening the box, because he knew what was inside it and how its content would hurt just as much as it would comfort him.

William had a season when he took pictures after pictures with his polaroid camera. He had been generous and let Aydan have the ones he liked the most, so in the box was a thick stack of pictures. There were photos of Adam, Aydan's parents, places they had been to and countless of pictures of Aydan himself. Those weren't what Aydan was looking for, though.

He had never understood how William didn't notice his good looks and the impact he had on people around him, but that unawareness was likely the reason William didn't like to be in pictures. It was a bummer, really.

Still, Aydan had about a dozen pictures of William. Some of those were taken by William, when Aydan had wanted to take a selfie together. In many of those pictures Aydan was making faces, but William usually looked a bit wary and had just a small smile on his lips. Still and all, those selfies weren't what Aydan was looking for either.

He flipped through the pictures until he found what he was looking for. One day, nearly two years ago, Aydan had captured two photos of William.

In the first photo William has just lifted his gaze and is looking at the camera with a slightly surprised look in his brown eyes. His hair is ruffled in the wind and he looks to be full of life and happiness. In a couple of years, or maybe just the passed year, that glow in his eyes had dimmed and died down.

In the second picture William is looking down and smiling his special smile. His special smile meant just for Aydan. William was never much of a smiler, but he had this one warm delighted smile he used to give to Aydan — and that smile always made Aydan beam. Even now, despite all the bittersweetness, Aydan could feel a smile spreading on his lips.

He hasn't smiled like that for a while, Aydan thought then and his smile died down. Not for me at least, that thought made him feel a pang of guilt and he could feel a lump in his throat while tears began to swell in his eyes again.

Aydan had to lie down on the bed, still holding the picture as his free hand fumbled for William's jacket. Then he squeezed the jacket to his body and cried while looking at William's picture. William's smile, that would no longer exist, not for Aydan.

Then there was just one daunting thought in his mind: I have fucked everything up.

***

''Hi, honey! How are you?'' Ashley asked and rushed to hug her son as soon as Aydan walked downstairs. He had heard when a car drove to the driveway, and scrambled up from the bed to greet his mom.

''It was horrible.'' Aydan muttered and buried his face in the soft fabric of Ashley's shirt. In Carter's family they hugged a lot and didn't avoid physical contact, but it had been years since Aydan had clutched his mom like that. He clutched her like a baby in need of comfort.

Ashley made coffee for them and made sure Aydan had something to eat, but she didn't pressure him to talk. If he wasn't ready to talk yet, it wasn't her business to make him talk. ''Everything would happen in its time'' was something Ashley counted on.

Aydan didn't cry anymore, but he was feeling miserable with everything that had happened and thinking he'd have to learn a way to live without William.

Charles joined them in the kitchen a while later. He didn't hug his son, but patted his shoulder consolingly. They didn't talk much at first, even though all of them had questions to ask and to get answers to.

Eventually Aydan, feeling strengthened after food and caffeine, asked: ''Is there any news about William, dad?''

''What do you want to know?'' Charles asked, as he had inside information he had gained from work and talking to his boss — who else but — Matthew Davies. They weren't in as good terms after what had happened, but they had talked about the incident in spite of all.