Patterns of Parting Ways

1 | Ivy

I decide I've overstayed my welcome, I shouldn't have come here last night. I shouldn't have come to see him. This was a bad idea. I push the duvet off of my slender body and tiptoe around James. He looks so peaceful in his sleep, so calm and content. How can he not feel the same ache that I feel? How can James be so okay?

Its becoming so clear now. So clear that James doesn't love me anymore. And there's this twinge in my chest where my heart aches and the ache runs down to the tip of my fingers.

I quietly tiptoe out of James' room and make my way to the exit, taking two steps at a time. "Ivy?" A soft voice calls out from behind me.

I realise I know that voice and I cringe at the thought of James' mom seeing me here, especially when I'm meant to be staying away. "Hi Maria." Shame laces my voice as I feel a red heat creep up my neck to my cheeks.

A sympathetic smile crosses her lips as she grips a mug of coffee between her hands. Maria's soft brown hair reminds me of James' and is placed carefully in a bun on top of her head. She's wearing a soft pink dressing grown that compliments her olive skin. "What are you doing here?" She asks in a calm tone, but we both know the answer to that.

"I'm going now, I just had to see him." My voice cracks and her smiles falters.

Maria comes rushing down the stairs and places the mug on the wooden sideboard beside me. Her arms wrap around my neck and I bury my head into her shoulder. "Sweetheart, I know. I know how much you're hurting."

I don't know whether Maria does know how much this is killing me, but I chose to believe her. I chose to believe that I am not the only one going through this heartbreak, that I am not the only one grieving.

She rubs the back of my head gently and sighs. Trying not to cry in front of her is so hard and eventually small sobs leave my lips and Maria squeezes me tighter. "Do you want to talk about it?" She releases me and takes a few steps back, worry occupying her every feature, "It might make you feel better."

I nod and follow her into the kitchen, where she flicks on the kettle and begins to make me a mug of tea. Maria knows just how I like it, strong with one sugar. She places a pale blue mug in front of me and I blow at it a few times before taking a sip. "Ivy, you know you're always welcome in my home." She pauses.

I can see the words at the tip of her tongue, but unlike James, Maria is trying not to break my heart. She's trying to preserve any last hope I have of being okay. "But I think you need to stay away from James. Seeing him so often isn't good for you."

I don't want to stay away from him. I just want James, and I want James to want me. My lips are still quivering slightly and my eyes have begun to swell but the crying has stopped for the moment. "I know. I'm trying." I lie and chew on my bottom lip to conceal it.

"Love sucks."

I fidget in my seat for a moment, it's clear that this conversation is uncomfortable for the both of us. Maria nods and brushes a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I know how you feel Ivy, I've felt the same way when James' father left me."

I remember when this happened, I remember James cancelling plans of ours to spend time with his mom, I remember having to stay away for a while. But I didn't mind back then, because we were still James and Ivy. We were still together. "How did you cope?" I ask quietly, my voice threatens to crack.

For a moment she's silent and I think I've overstepped the line, but then she shakes her head and the side of her lips lifts up into a half smile. "Ivy, I just want you to know that just because this didn't work out, doesn't mean you're hard to love. This doesn't mean you're not good enough."

She reassuringly squeezes my hand again and her eyes begin to glass over, "You just asked the wrong person to try love you."

Her smile falls slightly when she notices that I'm staring at her with red eyes and a frown knotted between my brow. Maria comes round the table and places a small kiss on the top of my head. "Thank you." And I mean it.

Maria's blue eyes beam down at me as she leaves the room. I slurp down the rest of my tea when I hear his voice upstairs. Maria and James are talking in hushed whispers and without any context I know it's about me. My ears don't have to burn to know that.

I rush to the sink to quickly wash my mug and use the back door to exit. I don't want James to see me like this. I don't want him to look at me with those sad, sympathetic eyes. I don't want him to think I'm hopeless. Running across the lawn I use the back gate and head back to the alleyway where this all began.

And for a moment I catch my breath, resting on a rusty lamppost. I can see James' house from here, and the empty feeling in my stomach reminds me that I've left a part of me there, a part of me with him. The curtains in the back bedroom are pulled, open and a tall figure replaces them. James is staring at me, a hand running through his hair, a tired expression on his face. His eyes are empty for a moment, until he realises the brown-haired girl standing in the alleyway isn't a stranger. The girl in the alleyway has been a lover and a friend, and now she's nothing at all.