Stay With Me - Yeongyu FF

Chapter 43

I twist my pen around my fingers, thinking about how to explain my emotions. I also feel like I need to justify that feeling, like I'm not supposed to be feeling it right now.

How does one explain the things that I'm feeling? I feel numb, but at the same time, there's something there that's not numbness. It's a weight. A weight on my heart that probably shows my amount of guilt, grief and sadness. For lack of better term, I think I feel lost. Not lost literally, not lost because I don't know something, but lost because I don't know what to do. A lot of shit has gone down these past few weeks, almost a month, and I desperately wish I could have a positive impact in Beomgyu's recovery. I want to do something. I don't just want to sit there and watch as doctors check him up and give him meds. But I also know that I can't do better than them. And there's something else, something different. It's some sort of emotion. I can't quite identify it, I think it's pride. Pride for Beomgyu's recovery? I think so. 

But all I write is a single word nonetheless.

Numb.

After writing that down, I think a little bit deeper. But I can't find anything, and when I think about it, I realize that I don't actually need to know exactly how I feel. That's the point of life, right? There's not only blank spots in reasons for this world but also in reasons for our feelings. So I decide that maybe it isn't needed. After all, if I showed all these words I've been writing over the years to people, would they be able to understand how I felt like I do when reading them? Will they even be able to feel how I felt, or are these emotions too specific, too much of a part of myself? We don't react the same way to the same things, we don't feel the same feelings. Happiness can be felt differently depending on the person. Maybe what I feel as numbness is what another person perceives as anger, or pain. That's the beauty of life. You can put two lambda people in the same place and have them feel things. Their feelings aren't the same. The background plays a part, the cracks, the breaks, the aches or the laughs, the smiles, the humors. And of course, their personalities influence them too.

But I'm getting distracted.

I choose to go downstairs, and watch TV until Mom comes home. She doesn't take long, and I decide to help prepare dinner. I warn my boss that I'll be coming Saturday morning - in two days and he says he likes how hardworking I am. I really feel proud. I can barely believe that I always thought that I'd never be able to keep a job. I feel so, so happy. The numbness of the day has truly died down now.

The next day, again, I go to work during the morning, which I surprisingly now think is just 'the usual' and decide to take a quick lunch before checking in on Beomgyu. When I arrive at his room, I see him out of bed, in a wheelchair, looking out the window.

"Beomgyu?" I ask, trying my best not to surprise him.

He turns his chair to me before answering "Hi Junie! How are you?"

"I'm doing okay, you?"

He does circles in his chair "I'm out of bed"

"I can see that"

"I'm very happy. I can talk too"

"I can hear that too"

"But the doctors say I shouldn't talk too much. They're right, in a way. It's tiring"

I give him a hug, with slight difficulty because of the wheelchair.

"Yeonjun" He says in a more stern voice.

"Yes?"

"The doctors also told me that my bottom motor nerves have been completely destroyed by the illness. I can't stand anymore, can't carry my own weight. I'm completely paralysed to the waist".

I purse my lips and nod softly, looking down. We all knew this would happen, but now that it's out, it's even harder to cope with.

"But, on the brighter side, I'll be able to go back home on Monday! We can go out together again! Promise me we will, you wanted us to go out"

I laugh. I completely forgot about that. "Yes, it's true"

I end up spending the afternoon with him. Not that I mind, I love him and cherish every moment I have with him.

We chat about his health, about my health, about Taehyun, about what happened to me yesterday, about how I've been doing since he's been taken in. I think he's worried about me because of yesterday, and I think he has every right to be worried. I explain I believe what I felt was just a mysterious, passing feeling that makes life what it is. He chuckles saying that I can get really dramatic when having an existential crisis. I blush. I have never thought of it that way.

That evening, although I know that I need to, I don't want to leave him. I kneel down so we can kiss and am forced to leave at 7pm, when he needs to eat, but I promise him that I'll come back Sunday.

And so I leave.

-------------------------------------------------------

Hello!

It's been a while, but hey, at least there's an update.

I don't have anything else to say so...

Bai bai

👋