Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

Chrysanthemums

Days without Vanessa weren't completely empty just because of Sarah, we had been struggling for days, we had tried to talk and i did my best to share the more i could with her but that only was the part i was able to put into words. It was frustrating, I rarely was at loss of words but these feelings I had only came out in impulses of throwing things at the wall.
"why am i like this..." i whispered staring at the white canvas in front of me. I had been trying to paint something for days but it just wouldn't come out, I was stuck again.
I grabbed the first thing i was able to reach on the floor and threw it at the empty canvas except it was an opened bottle of yellow paint that splashed onto it. I almost had a heart attack when i thought i had gotten yellow on the walls but fortunately i had a habit of protecting the environment when i had to do something like that.
I looked carefully at the yellow stain on the white background and i knew it, what i should've done with it.
"babe are you okay? i heard..." Sarah entered the room in a hurry.
"yes... sorry... i didn't wanna frighten you" i said "were you rehearsing?" i asked taking a pencil and sitting in front of the canvas.
"yes... not that i was doing that great though..." she mumbled.
I put the pencil down and turned around crossing my legs on the floor. I had almost forgotten i could do it, but since the stitches had been removed and the scar was healing i had regained a little more mobility.
"what is going on?" i asked.
"nothing..."
"Sarah... it's written on your face that something is going on"
"i don't know, i just can't get into her shoes... I tried to do as with Marcia but god this 100 times more difficult" she said "of course the fact that half of my mind can't stop obsessing over Vanessa is not helping"
"i understand... and we're going through a lot so i get that it's harder for you to focus on someone else's feelings when you have so much on your plate already"
She wrapped her arms around her waist leaning against the door frame "i don't know how i feel about Linda..."
"Sarah... I am under the impression you actually know... you'd like not to know because you're forming an opinion on her and you're not letting yourself actually become her" I said and she was looking at me but her gaze wasn't giving away much of what she was actually thinking "I mean i know I am not at all qualified to give you advice nor am i trying to but i do know something... and that's that you have played a lot of controversial characters and you have made justice to them not by finding excuses for them or by elevating their stories to a higher level of moral... you just know that anything is possible and everyone is different, you never judge. And i understand you have an idea of her in your mind but that was so with Marcia as well but you looked closer into her, her choices, her fears, her insecurities as well as all her strengths and as a result you made the human in her come to light... you gave us a real person, not only an attorney who wanted to frame some guy for a murder" I said and she chuckled at my extreme simplification of events but she sat on the floor with me, she needed someone to believe in her, believe that she could do it and i sure was going to be that person.
"You're right... but i can't prepare this role if i can't get my head out of my own problems and get into hers..."
"What if you use it... use the way this situation makes you feel... whatever it is, anger, sadness, helplessness... emptiness even... and believe me you are extraordinary, i mean it, it's not one of those things they say, you really are, there is none that can play Linda Tripp as you can... I cannot wait to see what you will give us this time..."
"i should come to you more often..." she said leaning towards me to give me a kiss and that was as much contact as we had had those days.
"yeah..." i sighed.
"what?"
"uhm.. nothing in particular... you know, just all of it" i chuckled "i can't concentrate on anything, i can't go back to work, i can't paint unless i throw it directly on the wall and it's all very frustrating because normally if i couldn't do any of these things i'd go to her, we'd always find something we could do together..." I said "and now i'm sitting on the floor telling this to you like you don't know how it feels... I'm sorry" i quickly wiped away the few tears that slipped my eyes.
"don't ever apologize, i want to know always... I always want to know how you feel, understood?" she said holding my hands and i nodded.
"dr Frome said i'm taking a step back with this new thing with Vanessa... he said it's just something else for me to feel guilty about..." I said hoping that would explain why i had been a little too edgy those past days "I don't want to do it but it just arrives before i can convince myself otherwise..."
"I had noticed you were shutting down a little bit again... but i had also seen you opening up more to me after you had talked to him so i thought i would just leave you alone as long as you needed it and hopefully you would've talked to me in the end..." she smiled "i don't think it's a step back, it was shocking and everyone reacts differently but look what you've done now... No matter what i'm always proud of you, please remember that, i see how much effort you put into putting your feelings into words for me to understand" she said.
"I love you Sarah and..." she already knew what i was going to say so she shook her head and smiled lightly as my hesitation gave away all the effort i had to put into not saying i was sorry.
"well... baby steps" she chuckled,
"yes..." i lowered my eyes.
"what were you doing anyway... throwing stuff at my beloved candid wall?" she looked at me with an inquisitive look but that was just to make me smile.
"i got frustrated because i didn't know what to do with this canvas..."
"well you could've left it empty until you knew"
"i couldn't, I hate empty canvases, paper... even walls bother me if they're too big"
"but they are not, it's just that you can't see it yet"
"oh i think i figured out what to do with this now..." i said looking at the big drop of yellow on the canvas.
"what is it?" she asked so eager to discover it.
"you'll see it when it's done" I said as i didn't wanna ruin the mood bringing Vanessa, or worse her mother, in the conversation again.
I had been longing for contact with her but she really seemed to have lost her touchy attitude towards me even though i enjoyed it.
"Are we okay... Sar.."
"of course babe... what do you mean we're okay..."
"I mean between us.." I said "I know all of this isn't easy and i know you're suffering from it as much as i am... Believe me i'd do anything so that you don't have to feel this way but there is nothing i can do" I said.
"I love you... The only reason I can go through all this is you.."
"Sarah I know i am not that much support for you, I know that I am... lost... and I still don't know how to be that person you loved again... but i'm trying"
"you are... all the support I need... I came here to check if you were okay and you ended up putting me back together when I didn't even know I was shattered... You may have lost touch with your true self because of all the things we know but the truth is you never lost me... You always have the exact words I need and that is nothing I will ever take for granted" she said caressing my face "I know how it feels when people don't understand what you're going through, but somehow you always do, you always get it and you always put me back up on my feet"
"really?"
"of course babe, i wouldn't tell you if it wasn't true"
"why do i feel like this then..." I said, my voice shaking no matter how much i tried to keep it normal "like... like we're drifting apart... I mean, we talk, we share, but i somehow always feel like we're so distant and I hate it" she immediately hugged me before replying "babe i'm right here and I know you have still a lot to figure out and i do too but I love you, more than any other and I feel like I don't deserve you, at all"
"No, you deserve better, that's the thing"
"I don't fucking care because I have all that i want and it's you" she said "I even felt guilty all these days for thinking that even if this thing ends badly and we end up losing Vanessa I'd still be able to go on because I have you..." she said her eyes were slightly shiny as she said that "I felt so bad after i realized what it meant but that is just to tell you how much i love you and how much strength you give me, not to mention when you give me those speeches about how amazing i am boosting my self esteem" she chuckled to lighten the mood as she still held me close in her arms.
"i know you're not so confident as you look like and the fact that success has never made you arrogant is one of the many things i admire in you" I said.
"god... i really was missing something" she mumbled under her breath like she was actually just thinking out loud.
"what do y-" I was cut off by her lips colliding with mine but it wasn't like any of the kisses we had shared those days. It was more like us again, it was intimate and breathtaking.
She positioned her hand on my nape to keep me in place but i had no intention of going anywhere, i was exactly where i wanted to be.
We only separated when the need for air had become too compelling to ignore it but the break was as short as possible so that we could sink back into the kiss again.
She got up on her knees from the floor and I was forced to draw back so that she was on top of me. It all was happening fast and as much as i didn't want it to end i didn't even expect it would because of the door bell ringing.
"Sarah..." I moaned as she kissed my neck voraciously sucking on my pulse point "Sarah... wait" she stopped immediately as i said that.
"if it's Eve... she can call... later" she said, her voice deeper communicating lust hence making a certain warmth spread from my center.
"no she cannot... she's doing us a favor by being here" i said to go answer the door.
To my surprise though, it wasn't Eve but the concierge of the building, he was an old man, very kind and talkative but also very reserved.
I smiled at him as a reflex because i always did so when i saw him whenever i left for or come from work. He appreciated that because he was always more than kind to me and he loved Sarah a lot so that was one thing we had in common.
"Hi Jerry" Sarah said coming behind me at the door.
"Hello ms Paulson, I'm sorry to disturb you but the postman left this..." he said showing us a little white box packaged with a bow on the top.
"oh judging from the looks it's gonna be another of those free samples of products they always send me, thank you for bringing it to me though, you didn't have to" she smiled at him.
I was somehow relieved it wasn't Eve, I was grateful for what she was doing for us but lately I had been associating her coming to visit us to bad news.
"No i normally wouldn't have disturbed you but it's addressed to you actually" he said looking at me "and the only thing it says on the card is that it is important so i thought i'd bring it to you"
"to me... oh i have no idea what it could be" I said I really had no idea but i tried my best to appreciate the gesture "thank you Jerry, you've been precious" I said taking the box and he left with a smile and a wave of his hand.
"Were you waiting for this?" Sarah asked sounding a little alarmed after i closed the door.
"mmh most definitely not, the last thing i ordered online was paint but it doesn't come in this fancy package..." i said walking to the kitchen.
"maybe it's a gift, perhaps from your parents, i mean knowing what it's going on they might want to cheer you up, honey..."
"probably, but you know my mom, she would've called once a day to make sure it had arrived and that it hadn't gotten lost in the mail" i said "whatever, let's open it" i decided.
I undid the ribbon and opened the box only to be faced with white flowers without the stem.
"this is one of the weirdest thing i've ever seen... who sends flowers in boxes" Sarah said as she saw the same thing i was looking at but what had struck me was more the kind of flowers.
I took one in my hand and brought it up to my nose to smell it, it still smelled good so it must've been a very quick delivery because how much could flowers last in a box?
"do you know what kind of flower this is?" I asked.
"Chrysanthemums..." she said distractedly "babe, is everything okay? you look..."
"I might be overthinking this and you're probably going to think so too but... it's about the flower choice..." i said putting the flower back in the box "in italy and maybe some other countries in Europe Chrysanthemums symbolize death and are used only for funerals or on graves" I said looking at her beside me.
She stayed silent for a moment "i think it could really be an honest mistake babe.. i didn't know that, maybe whoever sent this doesn't know either" she said as she took the box away because i was just staring blankly at it.
"We don't even know who sent these" I said leaning forward on kitchen counter, nor we know why but I don't have a good feeling about it.
"babe, they're flowers, i'm sure they didn't know"
"it's not just that... they're in a box, with no stem... how many times have you seen that? you said it, never"
"okay enough, we'll get rid of them if you don't like them but don't read too much into it" she said.
"no, no, don't throw them away" i said stopping her before she could do anything.
"why? you're upset, it's clear" she said looking at me with concern in her eyes.
"yes, i am, but leave it here for a while... i wanna talk to Eve about it" i said.
"why?"
"i wanna know what she thinks of it, if she says it's just flowers you win and we can throw them away... Also because they'd probably be dead anyway by then" I said hoping it'd be convincing.
"fine." she set the box on the counter again and my eyes followed her closely.
"you know... i don't get why you're making it such big of a deal... they're flowers, babe, just... flowers, you could not read something terrible between the lines for once"
"i get it okay... why you don't get it" i said
"last time i received flowers they were Michael's and i was dying" I glanced at the chrysanthemums one last time "that will have to please you for now because i really don't want to go back there again" I left the kitchen but i really didn't know where i was going so i just locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the faucet and resisted the impulse of looking at myself in the mirror.
"babe... i'm sorry, i didn't mean to bring that up..." she said from behind the door.
"you didn't, Sarah, I did. it's okay" lie. It was not okay, i was not okay and those flowers made me sick to my stomach even worse than the first time i had seen a cadaver on the dissecting table.
"babe please..."
I finished washing my face and i put a little cold water on the back of my neck, that usually calmed me down.
I dried my hands and my face on the towel and made the lock click to open the door but Sarah did that first "i'm not hiding from you... i just really don't want to go over it it all over again" I said as that story had been visiting me more often since we had started therapy, Michael and everything that had happened seemed to be the only thing i talked about. This added to coming home and be confronted with the fact Vanessa still wasn't back was making it all a little too much for me to withstand.
"you don't have to, babe... i'm sorry... i guess i just wanted to see something positive in it at all costs because i'm really tired" she said.
"me too..." i said letting go of all resistance and pulling her into a hug.
"I don't know what it is, Sar... but i don't fucking like it... it makes my skin crawl" i said.
"it's going to be fine... calm down now" she brushed my back up and down soothingly.
I tried to pull myself back together and surprisingly enough for me i handled it quite well.
"okay..." i took a few deep breaths "i'm going to call Eve and ask her to come over"
"do you really want to do this?"
"i did everything on my own for too long Sarah... I can't do it this time too" i said and she nodded.
"okay babe i'm with you..."
"also... i was think she could get us a phone call with Vanessa... I really need to know she's alright right now..."
"yeah... maybe, that would be... great" she said.
I got on the phone and fortunately she was quick to pick up and didn't ask many questions on the phone. I never bothered her, called, texted her or anything I always waited for news from her and she appreciated me not stressing her out more than she already did to herself.
"oh... well you were quick"
"i was close... at a cafe, i was working"
"why were you w-"
"oh please the hotel had some kind of problem with the wi-fi, completely isolated all day, i had no choice but to go somewhere else with an internet connection" she sighed, for the state of her nerves i assumed she must've had more than a few coffees in order to be allowed to remain there all day.
"so what is it?"
"we... hum, well I, received something particular" I said.
"what..." she was about to ask but I was faster to show her.
She picked up one of the flowers from the box and examined it "as unconventional as it is... i don't see what the real problem is"
"well... i feel a little paranoid, believe me i know, but the fact is that it was addressed to me and i didn't buy this so it has to be someone who knows i live here..." i said and she listened carefully "furthermore it is the details that worry me, these particular flower and the way they were put into to box... it just doesn't sit right with me"
"what's the matter with chrysanthemums?"
"in my culture... they represent death, they never have a positive connotation, it's just macabre, it is the kind of flower you put on graves for god's sake"
"i see..." she said with a much concerned frown "i suppose you don't know who sent this..."
"no..." I said. I had been hoping she'd tell me it didn't mean anything and that I was just reading too much into it but i was also so relieved that her preoccupation confirmed i wasn't crazy.
"good..." she sighed taking her phone out and snapping some pictures.
"what are you doing?"
"taking pictures just in case and calling the police"
"the police?" me and sarah asked simultaneously.
"of course, do you think i want to risk something else arriving? maybe something worse? this is not something to take lightheartedly, if you give away the slightest impression your home isn't a safe environment for Vanessa you will never see her again. We're walking on thin ice here" she said.
"what makes you think something else won't arrive anyway even if we tell the police?" Sarah asked.
"with your history?!" she chuckled as if it was obvious "they will probably put a couple agents to watch everything that happens around here"
"that can't happen... it's going to be on every gossip page all over the internet the first two minutes they get here" Sarah said "i can't do that... You have no idea what that's like... Every time i open instagram i see people talking about me, us, what we're going through, like it's theirs, making assumptions and telling lies just for their fun... Of course there are people that are respectful and defend us but it's really a minority" she said, i had no idea it meant so much for her but I surely wasn't going to agree on anything she didn't want.
"okay... okay... They won't be here, okay? i promise" i said.
"okay..." she said a little calmer.
"okay we're not going to underestimate this because i am definitely not going to lose your case... So that's how it goes" Eve sighed "We go to the police, me and Sylvia, you'll stay out of this, none will see you and it won't make the front page of any gossiping newspapers"
"I'm going to tell them whatever they do they can't put a patrol car out here" I said reassuring her.
"okay" she nodded "it's fine, it's gonna be fine"
"it is going to be okay.." i said leaving a kiss on her cheek and going for my coat.
"Eve grab that box for me, it creeps me out" I said and she did joining me out the door.