Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

Doing things properly

*smut warning* don't read if you don't like it

I woke up to the soothing voice of the love of my life and her soft touch on my hair.
"baby... you slept for like two days, maybe it's time to wake up" she giggled in my ear and made a tiny smile appear on my face before i could even open my eyes "hi baby" she said acknowledging the fact i was awake by my smile.
"Hi love, how are you?" I said hoarsely.
"i'm... okay, hun" she said but the hesitation finally convinced me to open my eyes and turning to face her.
"what is it?" i asked a little worried.
"nothing, nothing, i'm just a little worried about you... you know, because i love you"
"i'm sorry, i didn't mean to sleep for two days... why didn't you wake me up before..."
"you needed to rest... you definitely did" she said kissing my forehead "you scared us honey" she sighed.
"i'm sorry i-... did Vanessa see?"
"yes but she's fine i explained you were just very tired, she wanted to sleep here anyway though so i let her, we slept here all three of us last night"
"wow i didn't even notice that..." i said thinking about the last thing i remembered and realizing it had probably happened two days before.
"yeah my back sure remembers" Sarah chuckled.
"i'm not saying anything but i'm sorry since i woke up but i really am..."
"i know baby but you don't have to be sorry, i understand"
"you do?"
"i'd probably do the same even though i'm telling you not to do it... and it's not because i just have to say it, i mean it, you are not alone, i am here for you..."
"i know but i just wanted to...." my voice broke mid sentence because of a sob coming out of my mouth instead of words.
"i know, you wanted to help her, i know" Sarah said hugging me.
"you have no idea how i feel, all i want is to be able to do something, to be able to talk to her and i can do nothing even though i studied all my life to be a doctor and all i've studied it's just useless, i'm useless"
"stop... stop... you're not useless, Vanessa needs you" she said cupping my face with her hands and wiping away some tears with her thumb "i need you" she said.
"i'm sorry Sar... I promise i'll do better, i promise"
"you're doing everything you can, just let others help you"
"yes" i said "who's with her today?"
"Peter's staying with her while Blythe's taking over on the work she... she can't do..." she said looking at me with teary eyes and i nodded.
"you're staying home today, but please honey try to rest and regain your strength, you need it, believe me" she said probably thinking that i would've gotten to work once i got out of bed but even though i wanted to i couldn't, i was still too tired.
"i know, i'm not working, i'm just going to be with you and Vanessa here at home, okay?" i said trying to reassure her.
"okay" she sighed in relief.
"i'm okay now Sarah i know i scared both of you, but i'm really okay"
"i just can't get over the moment i saw peter bringing you home like he was carrying a dead body..." she burst into tears and i immediately took both here hands into mine.
"i'm not dead, i'm here, i'm talking to you, i'm fine... i'm fine" i said rubbing circles on the back of her hands with my thumb.
"i'm sorry i don't know why i panic like this every time something like this happens"
"it's fine, we went through a lot, it's normal"
"when he brought you here and you couldn't even keep your eyes opened and i had to help you do everything in the bathroom and help you get into bed it was like i was back to when you were in the hospital and i..."
"Sarah... I perfectly understand but i'm not sick now, i was just... exhausted, tired to the point my body reacted like that to protect me" i said.
"don't ever do this to me again please, just let me help before it happens" she cried softly.
"i will, i promise i will... i am so sorry, i didn't want to trigger you of course, i love you Sarah, i love you so much i would never hurt you on purpose"
"mommies are you okay?" Vanessa said with her little hand gripped around the door handle.
"yes, yes, come here, come here" i said opening my arms for her and she came running into the hug and i hugged Sarah with my other arm and she rested her forehead against mine.
"we should do this family hug thing more often" i said to lighten the tension earning a light chuckle from Sarah while Vanessa seemed to be doing better than both of us.
"i'm in any time" Sarah said softly.
"do you have to go to work today?" Vanessa asked looking up at me from between me and Sarah.
"no... no i'm all yours today" i said forcing the biggest smile i could before guilt for not doing enough creeped back into my mind "what did you have in mind little lady? i can tell when you're working up something in that little head of yours" i said. she crawled up up from my lap to whisper something in my ear.
"oh okay i'll leave you two alone" Sarah chuckled pulling back from us.
when she was sure she had backed away enough Vanessa whispered "today is valentine's day" and completely sent me to panic mode because i had no clue what day it was.
"oh okay baby we can do that" i said to mislead Sarah making sure she didn't understand what we were actually talking about. "why don't you wait for me in your room and we will start painting in a minute just let me take a shower first" I said and she took the hint and left the room.
"she's so happy to be able to spend some time with you" Sarah said as she was gone.
"yep, me too" i said forcing a smile.
"I know your mind is somewhere else but you really have to try not thinking about it to properly rest, you're doing your best to help Dr Lowen".
My mind was actually a little worked up on the fact i had fucking forgotten Valentine's day and I felt horrible for that but i nodded anyway "you're right, as usual.. what would i do without you..."
"no need to ask yourself since i'm here and not planning to leave" she said planting a kiss on my lips but i kept her steady before her lips could leave mine deepening the kiss. She didn't lose any time and soon went down to kiss my neck making me take a few deep breaths and shiver.
"Oh God what did we start.." I said breathily.
"sorry" Sarah said breathlessly "i know, Vanessa's waiting for you" she pulled away from me and i felt my skin almost burning craving for contact with hers.
"well yes..." i said getting out of bed heading to the bathroom "but i said i had to take a shower so maybe..." i smiled and as soon as she understood her face lightened up and she came running and put her arms around my neck making our lips touch again. I kicked the door closed and started undressing her, there were pieces of clothing flying all around as we both frantically wanted our body to be the closest they could be eliminating every obstacle on the way. My bra and hers... her panties and mine until we finally made it. I stopped kissing her only to get in the shower, i turned the water on and as it got warm i pushed her under the water jet and she giggled in between kisses "you're using me to test the water" she said in a fake offended tone.
"never, i made sure it was warm enough"
"hmhm" she said mindlessly enjoying the water on her skin and hair as she threw her head back to completely wet her hair giving me more space to kiss her neck. she moaned and pulled me closer to herself until i was completely wet as well.
the warmth of the water was soothing my aching body and made me relax. A soft moan escaped my lips as her hands ran down my body to my core and the contact made me open my eyes again.
"let me take care of you, will you?" she said in her low hot voice.
"okay... you can do whatever you want" i said and she leaned on me with the weight of her body pinning me to the cold marble wall.
"whatever i want?" she asked softly rubbing circles on my center.
"yeah" i said while i felt my knees growing increasingly weaker the more she went on touching me.
"mmh" she moaned as she as well had started humping my leg.
"oh god..." i gasped as she slid two fingers inside of me. Hearing me moan like that she picked up speed with the thrusts of her finger and with the movement of her hips on my thigh.
The feeling of the water running all over my body was like feeling her hands everywhere and it made the excitement even stronger.
I cupped her face and i kissed her, we moaned into each other's mouths and whenever one of us went too loud the other reminded to tone it down.
"God this feels..." she said breathlessly.
"i'm so close babe..." i whispered closing my eyes and feeling my high approaching.
"yes babe me too" she moaned.
She rested her forehead against mine as we both started to feel overwhelmed by the pleasure.
She came just seconds before me and had to lean against me as she climaxed.
As we both came down from our highest point we looked at each other and none of us was able to refrain from giggling.
"babe i could be in here with you all day" i said lazily kissing her jaw while my arms wrapped around her waist.
"me too honey" she sighed "but we have things to do... or better i have things to do because i don't wanna see you do anything other than relax and spend time with Vanessa"
"mmh yes ma'am" i said.
We finished our shower but taking our time as she wanted to comb my hair for me even though i might have heard her curse a few times because she wasn't used to long, super tangled curly hair.
"Babe i can finish this myself you go get ready for whatever you have to do... what do you have to do by the way?" I asked because i really needed some time to figure out what to do with the valentine's day situation and i couldn't do it if she was going to watch me to make sure i didn't touch anything work related.
"just pop at the store super quick to get some things that we need since the toilet paper hysteria seems to be over now" she chuckled.
"yeah hum okay, perfect, i'll watch Vanessa while you're out then." i said.
"okay babe, we're going to have dinner together the three of us after so much time i can't wait" she said and sounded really excited by the perspective so perhaps she had forgotten about valentine's day too so that gave me a good surprise margin to work with.
"me too babe, i'm happy to be at home even though-" i stopped because i didn't want to spoil the moment but she understood anyway and planted a kiss on my forehead and took both my hands.
"I'm proud of you for how hard you're working, you're literally my hero. my biggest inspiration and seeing how much effort you put into saving the people you love makes me feel safe because i know that even if something happened you'd do anything you can for the ones you love" she said and made my eyes brim with tears because i wasn't expecting that.
"i don't know how you always know what to say, it's like you can actually read my mind and give me exactly what i need.. but i'm so glad i have you Sar..." i said.
"i love you so much baby"
"i love you too... you have no idea how much i love you" i hugged her tightly but briefly so we both could get out of the shower and ready for our errands.
We both got ready pretty fast and as i was blow drying my hair i saw her carefully applying make up which for itself was pretty strange because she basically never wore make up if it wasn't needed and it certainly wasn't needed to go to the store.
"aw who's that lipstick for? the face mask you're going to wear? i'm jealous" i joked.
"damn you're right, the mask, i go out so little that i don't even remember..." she said ditching the lipstick.
I switched the hair dryer off "you're welcome hun" "okay, i'm going to go before the store closes, you two have fun" she said giving me a quick peck on the lips.
"sure hun, take your time and please be safe" i said increasing the volume of my voice as she went out of the room.
"sure! i love you, see you later babe!" she yelled and closed the front door behind herself.
I ran to Vanessa's room and closed the door, just for precaution.
"ok damn what do i do now? how do i make up for scaring you both, sleeping for two days and forgetting valentine's day?"
"i don't know, i don't know what people do for valentine's day"
"of course, how would you know... i'm so dumb..." I said.
"but i know you had thought of something special maybe this is the day..." said Vanessa and made me realize immediately how important this was for her as well but i couldn't do it... I had promised not to do it until doctor Lowen was out of the woods because i couldn't do it without her.
"I can't do it... not yet"
"you don't love her...?"
"no i love her, i do, i love her more than i love myself. I'd do anything for her, you and Sarah are the reason why i'm happy and why i made it through everything life threw at us"
"so what's wrong with today?"
"i can't do it just yet... something has to happen before i can do it..." i said playing nervously with the tiny box in my hand.
"what needs to happen i don't understand"
"it's just..." i sighed and looked at her to make sure she understood what i was saying "it's just that i promised i wouldn't do it before I knew for sure doctor Lowen was going to be okay."
"Oh... but what does she have to do with this?"
"She... I love her, she was the one to believe in me and the one who saw my potential, she's my mentor and really feels like a second mother while my real mother is far away and i can't always reach her"
"oh... then i guess it will have to be something else"
"yeah-" i was interrupted by my phone ringing, my blood froze in my veins as every time that freaking little machine beeped. I recognized the sound to be B's ringtone so i sped up back to my room.
"yes?!" i answered the phone as fast as i could.
"she's awake! i wanted to tell you, i think you needed to hear this... we're running some more tests but she even looks better" she said excitedly.
"oh B... thank you... I'd come but i'm home with Vanessa, Sarah needed to go to the store but i think she just wanted to leave the house for a couple of hours so i can't leave her and i surely can't bring her there with me... can you get her on the phone?" I asked hoping she would say yes.
"i knew you would ask... yes I am here with her she wants to talk to you too"
"Sylvia" a lower voice than her usual tone said at the other end of the phone.
"oh my god it's true... how.. how are you feeling..?" I said with tears in my eyes and Vanessa had come to hug me so i was currently sat on the floor with her on my laps.
"I have felt way better that's for sure, but i hope it's going to be better"
"of course it is going to... I am sorry i am not there-"
"don't even try feeling guilty because you weren't here when i woke up bc you're surely one of the reasons i did wake up again" she said.
"i'm so happy to hear your voice... i've missed you so much" I said "oh and call your daughter... we had a few disagreements but... just call her, before she sues us"
"what did you... never mind, i'll see you tomorrow, don't worry about me too much" she chuckled and i barely had the time to say bye before she hung up.
"is she alright?" Vanessa asked as i hung up.
"it sounds like it..." i said and i hugged her tighter letting go and relaxing my body.
"then you can..."
"i think there's nothing weighing against it now..." i said and i was terrified at the idea of actually doing that. I didn't actually believe it could happen but there was always this one little voice in my head telling me to consider she could say no and that was the most terrifying thing, that it would've broke my
heart in a million pieces.
"we really need to get started on dinner..." i said as she got up and led the way to the kitchen.
We had been cooking for a few hours when I heard the noise of keys opening the door "It's me lovelies... uh what is this smell... is it the love of my life cooking something delicious for us?" Sarah said out loud but she still hadn't arrived  in the kitchen so i took the last pan off the stove and hid in the oven where all the other things that needed to stay hot were.
"c'mon" i said to Vanessa lighting the candles on the table and signaling for her to slow down Sarah. as i made sure everything was where it needed to be.
"hi baby what is it with all the elegance and where's mommy...?"
"i'm here" i said coming out of the kitchen in my dark green mini dress as she always told me green was my color i thought i might use it to my advantage.
"you look... absolutely gorgeous.."
"thank you love... you know what day it is today?"
"hum yeah... i think i know" she chuckled still scanning me up and down in admiration.
well... happy valentine's day" i said and went in for a kiss.
"happy valentine's day babe..." she said and kissed me back briefly.
"Vanessa, honey, would you go get me my phone i think i left it at the entrance near the keys... see if you can find it, will you?" Sarah asked Vanessa and she looked at her the whole time until she disappeared around the corner "she looks so sweet in that pois dress" she said with the brightest smile on her face.
"all of this is for me?" she asked pointing at my dress "the dress, the hair and make up..."
"yes, but it's not all, we cooked dinner and then there's a surprise at the end... and maybe one at the start too because i have amazing news, doctor Lowen is awake, she seems to be doing a lot better as B said"
"oh my God are you serious? This is great I am so relieved!"
"yes... me too... she called me shortly after you went out." i said.
"i am so happy... i love seeing the normal you... the one that smiles and has all the people she loves..." she caressed my cheeks.
I went in for another kiss and she kissed me back briefly before asking "so what's my surprise?" she asked giggling.
"Sarah it's called a surprise because i'm not supposed to tell you until it's the right moment"
"oh i hate the suspense" she protested.
"i'm sorry babe, you could enjoy dinner and forget about the surprise for now" I said opening the dining room door.
"oh well... this is beautiful... it looks like Christmas" she said looking at the table perfectly set and the lightened candles.
"oh no this is nothing"
"you're kidding we haven't had a night like this since.... since..." she struggled to remember "well i don't even recall when it was"
"i'm sorry i haven't been very present"
"no honey, you do your best, always" she said caressing my cheeks. "and anyway i have a little surprise for you too" she said with a smirk.
"oh what is it?"
"hum i think i'll give it to you after you give me mine" she said.
"oh well we better get started on dinner then" I said pulling out her chair for her "I can't wait"
Vanessa came back with sarah's phone and something else in her hand but i did not pay enough attention to that because I was busy portioning the food in their plates. Dinner was always fun when it was the three of us, Sarah's moans grew louder according to how much she liked the food and apparently that made Vanessa laugh to tears while it made me blush because i wasn't used to those moans outside of certain activities. "now stop, stop doing this... this thing you're doing"
"what am i doing?" Sarah said winking at Vanessa.
"this thing... these moans" I said and she instantly bursted into laughter and accidentally spit a little of the food in her mouth. Vanessa was definitely having the time of her life, she kept brushing tears off her cheeks and each time she laughed even harder.
"Oh come on Sarah don't make me do the boring adult part here"
"Honey..." she said taking my hand suddenly so serious, like she hadn't been laughing just seconds before "you are the boring adult here" she started laughing just on the last words, that had been a very good performance.
"you are a good actress, aren't you?"
"may i remind you that's the reason you loved me in the first place before you get mad?" she said giving me the look she usually gives me when she doesn't know yet if she's already pushed it too far or if she's still in time.
"you may" i said trying to keep a straight face but i couldn't help but smile.
"aw babe I get why you didn't become an actress" she said and my smile instantly morphed into an annoyed face because i was expecting her to say something cute.
"you know what... dinner is over" i said getting her plate away and she wasn't expecting this because she reacted too late.
"no! wait, baby please i didn't finish your amazing food" she pouted.
"that's because you were too busy mocking me... now who's laughing, huh?" I said.
"come on we were just having a little fun" she looked at Vanessa for back up but i glared at her at the same time and she shook her head to say no faster than she could've ever done before.
Sarah gasped in indignation for betrayal "you didn't just-"
"she did, good girl, now finish up your plate" i said to Vanessa.
"are you really not going to give it back to me?" she said as she stopped fighting surrendering to the fact i was taller so if i put it up she couldn't reach it.
"i don't know should i? you have said some terrible terrible things i am not sure..."
"oh baby i was joking, give the food back come on, it needs to be in my stomach not up in the air" she said trying to reach her plate again.
"fine but now you know what will happen next time" i said giving her the plate back and she immediately nodded and sat down to eat again.
I looked over at Vanessa and she was done eating too so i took her plate and went over to the kitchen to cut the pie and fortunately i had remembered to put a reminder on which slice contained the ring because I really felt anxious about this thing of putting an engagement ring that had cost me so much of my savings into a cake and thinking that it was potentially dangerous freaked me out even more but Vanessa wanted to do it so badly she had gone all the time like "it's going to be like in the movies" and she looked so excited i had to do this even just for her.
I took sarah's slice too and got them both plates with dessert.
"oh no baby you cooked dessert!" sarah said "it wasn't necessary I wanted you to rest..."
"of course i cooked dessert, today is special and i don't think you ate this before, at least not from me" I said giving both their plates with a slice of cake and vanilla ice cream by the side.
"that's cake, with ice cream"
"yeah..."
"weird but i don't question you, not when it comes to cooking" she said.
"it's a thing i didn't make this up..." i chuckled.
"then probably it's just me being old" she said.
"ugh shut up it's not true" I said "but i want you to start from the cake..."
"okay..." she said and proceeded to put a piece of the cake in her mouth
"and then the ice cream" i said and she followed.
Her face went through a number of changes in expression it was even hard to not miss any.
"good huh?"
"this is literally the best feeling like the warmth of the cake and the coolness of the ice cream, i love this, i absolutely adore this, this is fantastic... i need to eat this everyday!" she said overly exaggerating as usual but it made me chuckle because she looked like she had just experienced something mystical.
"stop" i giggled
"no i'm serious this is amazing" she went to cut another tiny piece of cake and took it to my mouth
"no sarah you know i can't..."
"it's the smallest piece of cake, you can't eat too much it doesn't mean nothing at all" she insisted. I decided to give up wishing so hardly the ring wasn't in that piece. The cake was actually really good, that's why she wanted me to try it so badly, maybe one of the best i have ever made.
"that's good... i outdid myself" i smiled and she chuckled digging into the cake again but this time her fork hit something not as soft as the cake.
"honey wha- oh my god..." she said, surprisingly it took her less than a second to understand because she freed the ring from the pieces of cake and she looked at me not able to say anything which was rare for her but it was my time to talk.
I took the ring from her hands and kneeled down before her.
"I think it's clear now where i'm going with this but i need to do things properly, you know how i like to do things properly so i'm going to ask... Sarah Catharine Paulson, will you marry me?" I said and instantly realized how fast my heart was beating in my chest, I glanced briefly at Vanessa and she was giving me thumbs up from behind sarah's back.
"yes, yes of course i'll marry you, i'd marry you right now" she said letting me put the ring on her finger "now get up and kiss me" she stood up from her seat and help me up from the floor and we kissed.
"i'd never thought i'd live a moment like this..." she whispered.
"so i've exceeded expectations again" i said all proud of myself and she chuckled.
"as you always do..." she said.
I was distracted by someone sniffling and since it was just us three my eyes fell on Vanessa. She was sitting on her chair, eyes red and glossing with tears.
I signaled Sarah something was wrong.
"Baby girl are you okay?" Sarah asked as we both kneeled down beside her, she wasn't able to talk so she just nodded.
"are you sure?" i asked. Why would she cry if she knew all along what was going to happen?
"are those happy tears then?" Sarah asked and she nodded again.
I had seen her crying very few times, she was always so strong and mature for her age i often forgot she was just a kid.
"ah that's good but happy moments are for smiles not for tears, let's dry them up" she said carefully drying the tears from her cheeks with her thumbs.
I realized i was having the privilege of witnessing something that had probably become normal to them because they were home together all the time while I was rarely there so i never got to see how they were with each other and I hadn't got the chance to see how much their relationship had progressed and matured. They truly loved each other and there was not trace of anything else other than love in what i was watching and i couldn't have been happier. "Come here you two, i love you so much" i said taking them both into my hug. Vanessa hugged me back very strongly "I'm happy you're happy baby girl" i whispered in her ear.
We were interrupted by my phone going off again and it was B's ringtone again.
"oh i have to take this..." I said getting up from the floor to go get my phone.
"of course, go"
"B what's wrong?"
"Sylvia i'm so sorry... believe me i tried i really tried..." the sound was muffled and very disturbed by other noises but my heart missed a beat anyway.
"B calm down and tell me what happened maybe i can help..."
"no you can't because we lost her... i tried to bring her back but she kept decompensating and we didn't have any more ventilators... We really did everything we could but we lost Dr Lowen, she died" she said sending me in kind of a state of trance.
"No... it can't be i talked to her something like what five hours ago.." I said "i can come... you keep trying while i get there..."
"we've been trying for over an hour"
My blood froze in my veins at the thought that while she died i was proposing to Sarah... at the exact same time one of the most important people was leaving me and I wasn't there...
"Hey honey..." Sarah called me peeking from the kitchen's door but she soon stopped as she saw the look on my face.
"Sylvia are you there?" I heard on the other end of the phone.
"yeah... hum, call her daughter if you haven't already, she deserves to know, i'll talk to her too when i figure out what to say..." i said and she just said okay "and B... it's not your fault-" I said, my voice was breaking but i had to say it for her she deserved to know that "you did all you could, okay?"
"yeah... i know, see you later" she said and we both hung up.
The end of the call also brought the awareness it had actually happened and that there was no going back from there. The hurt, pain and grief erupted all in sobs that i uselessly tried to suppress with my hands.
Sarah that had been hearing the last part of the conversation had probably already understood what had happened so she quickly came up to me.
"hey... hey" she said hugging me and stroking my back in a soothing gesture.
"she's dead Sarah..." I said.
"I know... I'm sorry my love" she said but that only
made me sob harder. This should've been the happiest moments for us after all those months in which i had worked non stop and yet there had to be something to spoil it and make it something i didn't want to remember... What was I doing, turning her death into an inconvenience the day of my marriage proposal? No, she didn't deserve this. What she actually deserved was to be alive and well, to be there the day of my wedding, I needed her there more than I would've ever been able to put into words but yet again, you hardly ever get what you want just because you want it. I should've fought harder for her. Was the only thought roaming around in my head. That was guilt, yes, one thing that easily got under my skin faster than anything.
"babe please calm down... I beg you" Sarah said sitting on the floor beside me.
"I am so done- with all this shit... I cannot do this anymore" I said in between sobs. Not having a good reply to that she just held me tighter, but who could've had a good enough reply... She was utterly good with words, always, she somehow always managed to pick the right thing to say in every occasion, aside from this one apparently.
Vanessa soon understood something was off and when she found us both on the hallway floor she snuggled up between my legs and hugged my waist. She always did this, whenever one of us wasn't doing okay she always came near and made us feel she was there, she knew apparently better than any grown up i had ever met that sometimes talking was not needed, on the contrary silence and a comforting gesture were very much more appreciated.
"I have to go there... i have to tell them what to do, talk to her daughter, give her the news if B hasn't yet..." I said brushing tears off my face.
"I'll go with you..." Sarah said but I really didn't want them anywhere near a hospital.
"That is out of the question... i will not risk putting any of you in danger..." my eyes watered again and I had to swallow the lump in my throat "I already lost enough..."
"we can stay in the car and wait for you, I don't want you to do this alone" Sarah insisted.
"Sarah please, stay here, I cannot bear to be worried sick about you while i have to do one of the hardest things i've ever done in my life." I almost begged because that was really too much for me to handle.
"at least let me drive you there, i'll come back home and i'll pick you up when you need me to" she had tears in her eyes as well but they were more for me than for dr Lowen, she had grown to love her and she appreciated her because she cared for me when she couldn't but those tears weren't for her.
"I will be okay Sarah I can drive, I am sober, you had your wine so it would be best if you did not drive at all" I said to convince her to stay.
"I had a glass of wine I can come with you..."
"Sarah... I don't- want you to..." I said at the expense of being harsh but the thought of them anywhere near that place made me sick to my stomach "it is already hard enough, i don't want to have to worry about you too because i know i would if you came with me" I said.
"we will stay at home and wait for you to come back mommy" Vanessa said and I noticed she was holding Sarah's hand and I was even more amazed by how much empathy she possessed, as young as she was that was a very rare quality.
"I'll be back before you know it" I said kissing both of them on the head before leaving.
"I got in the car and made my way to the hospital, i was in no rush... in the end there was nothing to rush for even though for all the time that took me to  get there I was thorn between denial and a sharp pain at the pit of my stomach which seemed to me two opposite things because why feel any stress related pain... If she was already dead there was nothing i could do but also my brain just didn't want to go on processing that thought because it kept clinging on another, it's not real until i see it for myself. Which was stupid for itself but I should've had to bear with this duality of emotions a little longer.
The streets were empty of people and cars, not a single sound other than the engine of my car. It was spectral and felt surreal that a city so lively could also be so quiet. Suddenly I hoped i had let them come with me because it felt really lonely and the silence was oppressive.
I parked the car in the first available spot, i wore my mask and made my way out of the car and in the hospital through the ER because that was the fastest way.
I entered the staff lounge only to find B and Peter on the sofa she was crying desperately and so was Peter but he wasn't making any sound he just brushed her air off her face so that she could breathe properly. Seeing them like that gave the first hard hit to the wall of "this is not really happening" that my brain was trying to build.
I went over to them and sat next to B, we were all wearing masks and they probably had been all day.
Her breathing was heavier because of the sobs and because of the mask. She got up form Peter's lap as she acknowledged my presence, she looked at me silently for a few seconds but as i saw the look on her face the only thing i couldn't restrain myself from doing was hugging her.
She sobbed on my shoulder as she hugged me back very faintly though, she was probably exhausted.
I took Peter's hand as he was now too letting himself go and tears streamed down his cheeks. I pulled him in the hug as well, they were my friends, they had been there all the way through my darkest hours and I couldn't stand seeing them like that.
"It's not our fault guys... you need to understand this... We did all we could, we stayed with her day and night, everyone checked on her when they could... they all did their best and we did too..." but it only made B sob harder and it started to make me feel that lump in my throat again. She looked worse than Peter, I didn't know if he was just faking it to seem strong but she was a mess.
"come with me... get up" i said and i guided her to the private bathroom in that room.
"get this off" i said taking her mask off so she could breathe, we all got tested very often so i knew it was safe. I took mine off too so she could see me, all of me, not just my eyes "now breathe slower... slower..." I said stroking her hair as i knew she liked it and it made her relax "yeah, like this... good"
"i'm going to tell you something and i want you to believe it, alright? or at least make an effort..." i said and she nodded lightly.
"it's not your fault... you did your best, you are a great doctor, do you understand? you cannot save everyone..." I said.
"of all people that have died and lived in these months why couldn't I save her? of all people why not her..."
"it doesn't work like this you don't get to chose..." I said my eyes watering again being confronted with the fact she was dead for the second time.
"well it should..."
"no... it shouldn't..."
"now you're going to face her daughter, I already gave her the news and she's on her way here but she was so mad... and I can't even spare you this suffering"
"it's fine i'll talk to her there is a way this could get any worse?" i said half smiling to try to cheer her up but i wasn't fooling her because she was looking at me with her unmistakable concerned glance.
"i'm fine" i said.
"then i'm even more worried..." she said.
"well... i'm keeping it together better than i thought I could"
"this doesn't feel right..."
"i know, for me either... but i need to keep together to talk to her... so, i'm going, i want to get it done quickly..." i said leaving the bathroom and unexpectedly i found Peter on the door arguing excitedly with someone which didn't leave me many doubts.
I went over to take Peter out of a situation that wasn't his, if anyone should've talked to her it should've been me.
"I can take it form here, thank you" i said and he gladly left.
"I believe you probably already know everything so what i am going to tell you is i am immensely sorry i can't express how much she meant for me and i'm here for you if you ever need support or anything actually..."
"yeah are you done?"
"excuse me?"
"you killed my mother"
"no i- haven't you been informed how she died?"
"yes i've been fully informed of what your version is.. my version, the one i'm taking to a judge, is you didn't give her proper care so she died"
"do you have any idea how many days i spent here checking on her every hour while people kept dying and suffering? People die, we're in a pandemic and we all did everything we could, she couldn't have been more taken care of the whole hospital was taking care of her"
"you're telling me a whole hospital couldn't keep one woman alive..."
"i am telling you a whole hospital full of other patients went the extra mile to check on her no matter how busy we all were she was loved and we showed her that love and she had woken but she relapsed and at that point there were no ventilators available..."
"she... she had woken up"
"yes i... she called you right? i told her to call you"
"and she called you.."
"look i don't know if she called you or not but she was only taken off the vent because she was breathing on her own otherwise none would've..."
"i didn't answer because i was working and when i called back i talked to your colleague who gave me the news"
"i am so sorry..." i said not even imagining what she must've felt like "anything you might need..."
"no this doesn't change anything i am suing this place and you will be the first in line" she aggressively said.
"if you talk to me or read her charts if you want to you will see that everything has been done the best way possible..." i said and i couldn't help feeling sorry for her. Grief was hard to deal with and if i was struggling i couldn't have imagined what it must've gone through her head.
"then you won't have any problems proving it..."
"no but i mean think about it, your mother loved this place, she worked, she did her research and saw her patients here... don't do it, she wouldn't want this"
"how dare you tell me what my mother would've wanted?!" she snapped
"listen i know you're hurting but believe me i am not the enemy... i loved her so much, she was my mentor, she had given me so much..."
"yeah she always had a habit of trusting people who were going to let her down sooner or later"
Making leverage on my sense of guilt still fairly present was the final shot she had and the one that worked because i felt my heart breaking in a million pieces.
"i will see you in court" she said and left.
I felt so sick in my stomach i made my way back into the bathroom and threw up in the toilet, it always happened to me when i was nervous. i brushed the taste off my lips with a tissue and told B that she was suing the hospital anyway. She stroked my hair and my back and told me not to worry so then she was the one playing the part of the strong one for me.
"we will talk about this another time now we all need to rest and Sylvia i'm sorry but i had to call Sarah she's out here to pick you up... i didn't want you driving in this state" she said as they basically escorted me to the door.
As soon as I entered the car i was finally feeling everything i hadn't been feeling on my way there.
The guilt, grief, anger, exhaustion every hit me all at once and i just let it hit me.
Sarah hugged me strongly and she whispered soothing words in my ear.
"we are going to figure it out together baby don't worry you are not alone" she said and i was grateful for her, grateful she was there with me every step of the way because i would've been lost without her

A/N so as you might have imagined i've been writing this in and off since valentine's day. i'm sorry i always make you wait forever for updates but i have lost motivation and i'm very busy so i only write when i really need it so it takes a lot of time to write a chapter... anyway any kind of feedback is highly appreciated. love you all and i hope you liked this