Outside

Chapter 14

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. The most I can do is keep moving forward until I trip over a rock and fall headfirst on the ground. I push myself into a sitting position and clamp my arms over me like a roof, my head spinning, and my clothes covered in dirt. I'm a terrible person. I can't ever be accepted for who I am. I can't even be accepted by myself. I don't belong anywhere. No one will ever love me. I will never love me. I'm not fine. I'm never fine. I'll never be fine. Not after what I've done. I'm irredeemable. Nothing but a psychopathic monster. My thoughts fill my head and I clasp my hands over my ears, mortified at my blocked-out memories as they flood back into my mind. My old wounds feel new again, and I feel my consciousness strengthen as more and more destructive feelings reenter my brain. Tears fill my eyes and I find myself shuddering, gasping for breath like a dying fish.

"Shut up, mind." I mutter. "Shut up. Please. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up."

"Nox..." Kyan's voice appears above me. "What's wrong?"

"You need to leave." I whisper. "Please leave... me." My voice is almost indecipherable amidst my cries and quivers.

"I would never do that." He sits down in front of me and wipes a tear from my eye. "What's going on? I thought you'd be happy we found water." He says.

"Leave! Leave me alone!" I scream. "Don't come near me... Don't..."

"I am never going to leave you no matter what. Like you said, we're best friends. If I can tell you anything you have to know that you can tell me anything. I won't think any less of you no matter what, ok?"

"You can't keep that promise. I'm... I'm..." I hide my face in my knees and my voice is drowned out by sobs. "I'm a monster! Stay away from me! I'm just going to hurt you!"

"Hey." He leans forward and pulls me into a hug. "I promise I'll always be your friend, and I'll always be there for you." He tells me. "No matter what you say or do. Noxie, you could stab me in the chest, and I'd be chill with it, because I know you and I know you'd have to have a pretty good reason to do that." He gently strokes my hair with his hand.

"That's the thing." I say, lifting my head and wiping my eyes frantically, even though it's doing nothing because the tears won't stop falling. "You don't know me. You don't know what I've done."

"I still trust you. Now trust me. I swear no matter what's bothering you, I can handle knowing it." He promises.

"Then push my hair from my face." I tell him, and he obliges. I shut my eyes and wait. I wait for him to question me. I wait for him to hate me. I wait for him to betray me. He tucks my black hair behind my ear, and I can feel him staring at me. I open both eyes and he gives me a warm smile. The scar under my eye is now completely visible, and yet he smiles at me?

"Why are you smiling? I have a huge scar on my face and... and you're smiling?" I ask.

"Because the reason you had to hide it from me all of these years doesn't matter to you now. You trust me, and that makes me happy." He tells me. "It's just a scar, Noxie. It's not like I think any less of you because of it."

"I didn't get this stupid injury tripping or something stupid like that!" I say. "I'm a horrible human being. This mark is just a small punishment for my actions."

"You are the most amazing human being on this planet. No matter how you got it, you're still you. And you're outstanding." He brushes a small strand of loose hair away from my now visible eye.

"I'm not. You have no idea how awful I am." I say. "I'm... I don't deserve to be... I don't deserve to be happy. Not after what I did."

"It's not your fault."