Outside

Chapter 13

With the shelter set up and a drizzle of rain trickling down outside it, I feel a bit more at ease. My pulse beats quickly, and my body feels compressed in the small shelter with three other people, but their presence brings me warmth, so I can feel my hands again. I am still having a hard time dealing with what I overheard and am contemplating whether I should tell Kyan that I eavesdropped, but for the moment I try to empty my head, letting the discussion around me lull me into daydream. For now, I don't have to worry about tomorrow, all I have for now to worry about is tonight, and that gives me a disturbing amount of peace.

"I have news." Occi explains with a bright, loving grin on her face.

"Oh no." Drew teases. "Last time you had news we got raided, our house blew up, and blondie got shot."

"Well, this news is different." She continues. "Tomorrow we will start up a new way to find water." Her eyes flicker between Drew and I, very careful to not gain eye contact with Kyan. "Drew and I will be going out in search of streams, while Nox and Kyan keep watch of our camp and collect nearby food resources."

"Going awfully easy on them, aren't you Occi?" Drew says. "What's wrong with how we were doing things?"

"They're less accustomed to life in the Outside, so it's only fair." She replies.

"Fine, but I better come back to a royal feast of meat and berries."

"I saw some of those poisonous ones a little bit back. I heard they pair well with a big ego." Kyan snaps.

"Wow, how considerate. Someone's witty today." Drew says, irritated.

"Thank you, thank you. There's more where that came from." Kyan replies, smirking slightly. He sits next to me, and the space is so close his thigh is pressed against mine.

'For her.' He had said, as if he didn't care if he was abandoned. As if he feels so worthless that he'd give up on himself completely. It makes me irritated that he's thinking that way, but for now I'll have to just be satisfied that he's staying. All I know is for now, he looks calm.  I have a newfound admiration of moments like this. Moments where we can just breathe.

"Do you think we're the only survivors?" Drew asks, breaking the peace.

"I don't know, it's possible." Occi replies.

"317 of us. Four left. Sounds tragic." He adds.

"I'm sure others got out. I mean, there were other vehicles too, maybe they escaped on them." Kyan says, but I can see in his expression even he knows that's farfetched. We barely made it out. The chances that many—or any-- others did as well are slim.

"If not, they would have died in that fire for sure." Drew states like it's simply a fact, and not the loss of hundreds of lives.

"I wonder if Ellie made it out." Kyan mutters.

"Do you want her to be alive?" I ask. "I'm not even sure if I care much anymore."

"She may have been an ableist jerk last time we saw her, but she was still our friend. You stayed my friend while I was acting out at you due to stress, so why should we treat her any different?" Kyan adds.

"But she had no reason to talk to you like she did. You were just crumbling under your anxiety. She was just being mean." I say.

He rubs his eyes and looks up at me. "I see your point."

"We've spent too much of our lives mourning that girl to do it anymore. I'm done." I say, as anger builds up inside me.

"You're right." Kyan grabs my hand. "She was a jerk that day, but what about that year of friendliness and sunshine, and I mean, you've known her since you were practically a fetus. I'm not saying we should forgive her; I'm just saying she wasn't always this way. She helped us through a lot of hard times. Even more for you than... I'll ever know."