Stay With Me - Yeongyu FF

Chapter 42

It hurts, it really hurts.

I start imagining his reactions. Right now, he’s just lying down, probably thinking that he’ll get better soon. I imagine him finally feeling like he can talk, but barely managing a few words before losing his breath. I imagine him trying to stand up and falling, unable to get up alone. I imagine all the things he can try to do, thinking everything is back to normal. I imagine him either having difficulty or not managing to do these things. I imagine his sadness once he realises that no, he’ll never be the same again. It makes me shed a tear, and Mom hugs me. She says that it’s okay, that even if he’s not able to do the same things as before, he’s the same in his heart. I laugh at her cheeky, wannabe-deep words.

After a while, the doctor asks to have a moment with Beomgyu, so we all leave. Beomgyu’s mother decides to stay at the hospital, but Mom and I choose to leave, to my regret, because Mom has to look for a job now that Dad is in an asylum, and I promised myself I’d find a part-time job too to help her. I feel so gloomy that , when we get home and Mom goes on the computer to apply for a job, I’m not in the mood to do the same. I just feel sort of numb. I don’t really want to do anything. So I do nothing.

But an hour later, I realise that I can’t keep doing nothing.

Mom enters my room, telling me that she has a bunch of job interviews tomorrow, and that if I want to go see Beomgyu, I can, but I’ll have to drive myself there. I nod, and decide to set myself on something other than Beomgyu for a while, lest I break down in tears now that all the panic has died down. I start looking for part-time jobs at cafés or restaurants or something. Little things I can do to get my mind off Beomgyu and my Dad and help Mom by the same occasion. I find something in a cute café that I take ages to recognise as the one Taehyun and I used to hang out in so much before. I decide to apply for it, it’s just barista in that café, but if it can bring me closer to Taehyun and get back to how we used to be, then it’s worth it.

The next day, Mom leaves early for her first interview, so I take some time to go to the café. I get accepted, and work all morning. The boss says I’ll work on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning and adds that I can come on Friday afternoon or Saturday any time because there’s quite a bunch of customers and they could use some help, but it’s not compulsory, even if it’s paid the same as long as I do at least 80% of the mandatory hours. I nod and promise I’ll warn him at least the day before about whether I’ll be here or not. That afternoon, I decide to go see Beomgyu. He’s already gained a bit of colour, but he’s still pale and dull-looking. He still can’t talk, but once I pass him his phone Ms. Choi left if he wants to speak his thoughts, he manages to carry it and has almost no problem typing.

He tells me that he’s scared, that he doesn’t feel comfortable. I ask him if he wants me to help him with something. He says no, that he's uncomfortable in his body at the moment, and that it’s got nothing to do with complexes, but more with frustration. I tell him that I understand how he feels, or comprehend his words more precisely, because I can’t understand what he’s going through. I don’t know what it’s like, I can’t get it like he can. He could explain it to me with super precise vocabulary, I still wouldn’t understand what it feels like, unless it happens to me.

I stay with him all afternoon. After that, his mother arrives. He starts talking to her, and I decide to give them some space. When I get home, Mom is already there, and asks if I went to see Beomgyu. I say yes, and give her his news. She smiles, saying that at least he’s getting better. I tell him about the job I found, and she says it’s nice of me to work to help out, especially since we both know that I was always reluctant to go to college and study, let alone get a job, and was hoping my partner wouldn’t be the same way. My parents never really pressured me into work. They used to say that I’ll realise my responsibilities in time. And they were right. It did, because I now know that I’m gonna be the one who has to work, because it will be easier for me to do so than Beomgyu.

That evening, I think about that. About how, in the future, when Beomgyu and I will be living together, I’ll be the breadwinner. I know that I won’t let Beomgyu work, because I know how I am, and I am the type of person who hates when people who have a difficult life physically or mentally are forced to work when their partner could totally work for both of them but is just too lazy. I think about how long I’ll be able to say ‘our future’. I hope I’ll always be able to, but I know that I won’t. Beomgyu’s lifespan just drastically dropped, from possibly 50 years to barely 25. It scares me a little, but I know that I won’t back down.

Beomgyu always swore that he’ll help me till the day he dies. I promise I’ll do the same.

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Remember, ALS Beomgyu doesn't actually exist.
He can't hurt you 🙃