Corrupted Lies

Gracelyn

Introduction-

I am invisible. Existing but not living. And that's okay, it is.

Other people may say how could you be okay with this? but it's always been this way for me. At one point I did fight, well at least I tried but I was overlooked every time and eventually you can't find it in you to fight to be seen so you remain forgotten in the shadows, alone. Never truly letting anyone see the real you over the fear of rejection that you have felt your entire life. I often find myself jealous of my friends, carefree, beautiful and loved. I wonder what it is like to feel this way... would it be warm? Would this coldness in my chest disappear? Was it me? It must be.

I couldn't concentrate on the lecture that was before me, I was ahead anyway so it's not like I needed too but I always did in-case I missed something. But today I found myself staring outside as the raindrops fell down the window watching as students ran with their books on their heads. I had always loved the rain, the salty smell that came with it. I remember when I was little my mom and I used to run outside with our matching red welly boots jumping in puddles together without a care in the world. We would laugh and play for hours not caring about the numbness that the cold left. Afterwards we would sit by the fire blankets wrapped around us hot chocolate in our hands to warm us up. She used to always get cream on her nose and pretend that she couldn't see it so I would clean it off her only to capture me in her arms tiggling me until I nearly weed my pants. This was the last memory I have of her before she got sick. It was the last memory I had where I felt loved. Pathetic, isn't it? That the last time I remember happiness was when I was 4 years old. The last time I was hugged by my mum was 16 years ago, the last time I heard the worlds I love you or danced in the rain. Was this when I became numb to the world? Was it after she passed? Was it later?

I had been scared to lose myself, so scared to lose another person close to me. So instead, I took myself away from a pain like that again, closed myself off to everyone. It didn't mean that I didn't want to let people in because I did, I so desperately wanted someone to love me, I almost let someone in once back in high school well I tried to, but in the back of my mind I knew there was something going on, no one had shown me interest the way he did, and I knew there had to be a reason as to why and there was. I was right. No one would want me after that.

It's amazing how time passes when you're lost in painful thoughts, class was being wrapped up the sound of screeching chairs and chatter from other students as they exit the classroom. I glanced at the rain once more before following suit. Pushing my chair out from my desk I collected my books and placed them in my bag walking to the front of the desk where my professor was sat her eyebrows knitted as she marked some papers.

I shyly approached her desk where I pulled out the assignment I had completed ahead of time. I tucked a strand of my chestnut hair behind my ear as she looked up at me offering me a small smile. "Gracelyn, how did you find it?" she questioned gesturing to my short story she had asked me to write. I nervously tucked my hair behind my ear again feeling my hands sweaty. It was only a small descriptive writing piece on a memory we treasured. It sounded quite childish for a college paper, but I had chosen the literature course for the creative writing aspect as well as the originals I loved reading. Although, I hate to admit to struggling. I struggled with this. it was rare that I had any happy memories other than the ones with my mum, but I found it hard to write.

"It was good, hard but good, I hope it will be satisfactory for you" I replied with a small smile.

She shook her head with a chuckle. "You, young lady are too tough on yourself. I have no doubt in my mind that it won't be anything short than brilliant, and if it isn't, we can work on improving together" I nodded thanking her as I made my way out of the class back to the dorm I shared.